Wednesday August 19th 2009
It was nice to find out Alex's life. He has a lot of sex. I fully understand why secrets need to be maintained. Even though we were completely open
to each other it would be rude to go telling people about him. If someone asks I tell. Liana would probably get mad if I said I talked to Alex, but I will probably discuss that with her
I think I will be able to sleep without texting Brandon anything. I do still have this small hope there's still something going on between us.
Maybe he will text, but I'm not waiting around if there's a guy that comes my way. I'm going for him if I'm interested. Or at least attracted. I guess Brandon isn't attracted to me. Other wise
he would go out with me. I guess I wouldn't care if he was dating his ex and not telling me. I'm glad he told me he wasn't interested. I will probably have dreams that he is dating me. I know
love its intense. If he texts me my heart will melt. But he probably sees me as I see myself. Kind of ugly.
I know I mentioned yesterday that I could possibly change my attraction by fantasizing about women. Today I was looking at lesbian porn, but I
couldn't get an erection. So I went to my gay porn. Oh god I love, I should say, lust men. I read online I could take the time to change, but its a risk.
Time and time again I recall saying I like being different. I like being looked upon with an uneasy eye. My life depends on it. I think and live
because I feed on what I think others are thinking about me. I have always felt complicated. I mean I have always felt complimented when someone calls me weird.
I hope to have a great senior year. Hell, if someone gave a shit about me being gay, I'd hear more about it. No one cares about it. No one cares
about me as I don't care about others. Immediately or priority wise that is. It's you then others. It's always been that way. This is why no one should try to please anyone else.
Please yourself without harming others and your life will be much easier. It's a good motto especially for me and my wrong doings. People make mistakes it's those that don't or sometimes refuse
to learn from them that do harm. The best apology is learning from your mistakes.
This was a fun journal to look back on. At first I discuss my friend's sex life and how much sex he was willing to have. I than talk about how my
other friend would get mad at me for talking with him. In order for me not to get in trouble with my friend Liana I would have to withhold the information I had gotten from
As for Brandon I started realizing that he no longer liked me because I had talked so negatively about drugs as well as had some issues with
stability. I was sharing those issues with him and I think that scared him away. At the time however I felt it was an attraction issue. We had met up twice in that summer and he quit talking to me.
He had told me he was content single and didn't want to make a choice between me or his ex. I was however hopeful that we still had something going on.
Than my mind went frumping on some self interested theories. Though many geniuses before me have already come across the idea that people are self
interested: I finally had that same realization. It isn't suppose to be mean or anything, it is just a fact that if everyone were obsessed with Zach Efron nothing else would get done.
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