Today I felt a sense of optimism when I was running thoughts through my head. As I was sending my thoughts through, like paper coming through the assembly line, that sick question turned my stomach away from the popcorn I was eating as I was watching a movie. What's the matter? This is the question that makes my body want to collapse. This question makes me want to hide in my room. I hate it when this question whizzes through my mind, especially when im trying to enjoy a movie and popcorn. Every time I ask my self what's bugging me I know im trying to hide something from myself. Instead of putting it off, I went through the list of things that usually make me sick. When I come across the item I can tell because my body just drains itself of all emotional energy. I'm gay, Im coming out of the closet because I'm okay with it. I don't have my license, I'm afraid to drive but can handle biking and paying for my rides. I have to fly on a plane alone, there are many things that scare me and its easier when I just tackle them because there will be more uncomfortable situations. I asked someone to have sex with me even though I knew it was wrong to ask, that surprisingly wasn't it because I know we all make stupid mistakes at the worst of times. I don't have a job, I would rather volunteer two hours of time then work at Wal Mart and get paid for it. None of these things are concerning. For onceI actually have nothing to worry about. For once I realized it was my natural instinct to worry more then others and I think this time I actually had nothing to worry about. Even if there had been something it wouldn't of been something anyone would understand. This one time in my life I could actually comfortably say I was going to be just fine. This is what I do have going for me. I'm self reliant in the sense I don't rely on god to solve my problems. I don't believe god works through me. I believe I do it on my own for my self and for others. I take responsibility for the good things and the bad things I do. I can write and I enjoy doing it. Some people even tell me I'm good at it. I refuse to drink or do drugs because if you truly know me I have enough stability issues. I make people feel good about themselves because I get along with a lot of people. Some day I hope to be a shrink and I hope to help those find the contentness we all deserve. I value as well as fear human strength and I hope everyone can someday come to value life for living through bad and good, oh definetly the good. The stars, the moon, the love, the passion, the fear, the overcoming, the joy, hope, strength, agility, the ability to believe in yourself and to value each persons individuality in hope that all you get in return is the same. The stars, the moon, the love, the passion, the fear, the overcoming, the joy, hope, strength, agility, and that Sense of Optimism.
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