Am I truly strong enough? And if I am can I get passed this heartache

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

i wrote this in about 15 min it is about 600 words

Am I truly strong enough? And if I am can I get passed this heartache

******* my nana was still alive when i wrote this she has been gone 2 weeks and 4 days she was my world and the person i loved the most********

They say that God will only put so much in your path. I am sitting here wondering why God thinks I am this strong. I have watched my great grandpa be fine at Christmas, then a little less than 3 week later I have to go to his funeral. I may have not been the closet to my papaw hall but I loved him. I have a memory of once of when I was little. I was living in Memphis Tennessee at the time and we had come up for some reason or another and we stopped at the tobacco barn to see papaw hall and he had given me some tobacco and some tobacco worms to take back to my class for show and tell. This is a memory that I will always keep close to my heart.
My nana is also dyeing I go to her house and sit at her feet like I did when I was a little girl trying to find lost time. I try not to think about losing her because part of my heart is going to die with her. She is the most influential person in my life I love her with all my heart and soul. I ask God why he thinks I am so strong but I get no answer. I was at her house today and she was talking about when she dies she wants to go in her sleep. Is it selfish of me to not want her to go at all even though I know she is in pain? How do you let go of the one person in this world that you love the most go? I think what hurts the most is I know she won’t ever get to see me graduate high school or college she’ll never see me meet the man of my dreams and get married and have kids. I feel like have taken advantage of the time I have had with her. Every time I see her I make sure that I tell her how much I love her.
Up until a few days ago I was in the mindset that if I did not think about her leaving that she would always be here. Then we went and saw her and I fully found out how bad she was. There is now a hospital bed in the little living room where I had spent so many days of my child hood playing with her or as I grew older just sitting on the floor at her feet and talking while she played with my hair. I took so many of these times for granted thinking that even though I knew she would not but that she would live forever. Where do you find the strength to deal with losing someone this special? I ask God for the strength but I cant seem to find it. I guess I finally had enough Friday at school because I just broke down crying in 2nd. I turned to my best friend Danielle at that time but she is not always right there when I need her. When I wake up in the middle of the night crying from the same bad dream I have been having over and over for the last few weeks. Who do I turn to then? I will continue to ask God to give me the strength but I continue to ask am I strong enough and can I get passed this heartache. 


Submitted: February 08, 2010

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