William J Thomas (auther and Humorist)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
William Thomas is a columnist for a monthly newspaper called FYI (Forever Young Information) He also writes books which are hugely funny. (especially if you have ever been owned by a cat or a dog) Two of my favourites are The Dog Rules {almost everything} and The Cat Rules {everything, including the dog} Amazon has them, if you are interested.

You can find a few of his past columns here
http: //www.williamthomas.ca /2007/ pastcolumns.htm

Submitted: July 20, 2012

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Submitted: July 20, 2012



Drugs to save your life, side effects to make you hurl

For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. For every new drug on the market these days there appears to be a side effect that is often worse than whatever you're taking the drug for. Today's miracle drugs are designed to keep you alive so the side effects can slowly drain away your will to live.

I eat supper watching the news - six o'clock CBC and at six-thirty, the three major American networks. This also happens to be the hour in which drug companies choose to run their commercials. Lately I've been losing weight. No, no diet pill or anything like that. It's just when they describe the side effects in the drug ads on TV, I can never finish my dinner.

Is there any drug on the market today that doesn't come with a warning that it could cause headaches, abdominal pain and diarrhea?

And I'll tell you one thing for sure - having watched an awful lot of drug ads lately, we could really use a nice euphemism for "anal leakage." (There went dinner and the next morning's breakfast with that catchy little phrase.)

I suggest maybe a code phrase to replace this particularly disgusting side effect. Something like . "with regular use, some patients may experience dizziness, dry mouth and oh, by the way Bob, it looks like the O-ring on your crank case is shot! "

I'm also advocating a word-association alarm system for the TV set so that when the phrase "stool softener" is about to be broadcast during the supper hour, the picture tube automatically explodes.

Forget Peter Jennings' warning that the following video footage from Falluja contains scenes of graphic violence, it's the drug ads that are driving me out of my own kitchen, soon to take refuge in a room paneled with rubber.

Nexium, the purple pill for acid reflux is often accompanied by headaches, abdominal pain and diarrhea. And the ad claims: "With Nexium, you just don't feel better. You are better!" Actually if I'm confined to the can for long periods of time holding my aching sides and suffering a splitting headache, I am definitely not better. I'm sick as hell and I wasn't before I took the pill.

The cholesterol-lowering drug Crestor comes with side effects of headache, nausea, abdominal pain and flatulence. Crestor should come with a deflated whoopee cushion that, in an emergency, could serve as an alibi.

Spiriva, an oral inhalation capsule for bronchospasm lists ten possible side effects including constipation, urinary difficulty and urinary retention. So you're taking in liquids but there's nothing . " oh by the way Bob, it looks like your radiator is plugged at the overflow valve ." Great, not only can I breathe again I can sell the toilet in the lawn sale.

One drug, a nasal spray for asthmatics, lists possible side effects of exanthema, urticaria and pruritus which, if I'm not mistaken, is an unreasonable fear of dancing blindfolded with a Quaker during a Save The Mayflower rally. I'm in the market for Extra Strength Tylenol by the time I figure out what those words mean.

There's one bathroom humour ad that has partygoers all loaded up with Imodium, which Bounty's Madge might describe as 'the quicker stopper upper.' And they're all playing the physically challenging game of Twister. A little advise - if you can't afford to lose, don't gamble. In the out takes of the Imodium ad you probably hear the sound of fabric ripping followed by the voice of the hostess: "You're face is quite flushed and oh by the way Bob, it looks like the O-ring on your crank case is shot! "

There's a popular pill on the market called Ambien and one of the side effects is "drowsiness." Ambien is a sleeping pill for crying out loud, which is exactly what I do whenever I see this ad. I believe a sleeping pill that does not cause drowsiness is called a placebo.

Let's see, so totaling up the side effects - achy muscles, heart palpitations, constipation, mild tremors, cramps, sleep disturbance - hey, wait a minute. Aren't those all the reasons I was taking the drug in the first place !?!

Somebody has to give the drug companies a real good shake. I recently spotted a statistic from the American Enterprise Institute that confirmed there is more money being spent today on breast implants and Viagara than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by the year 2040, we will have millions and millions of old people walking around with great breasts and .. "oh by the way Bob, it looks like your crank shaft is locked in an upright position" and these people will have absolutely no memory of what to do with those things.

Which brings me to the funniest line ever uttered about a side effect. Hosting the Emmy Awards last month, comedian Gary Shandling got talking about Cialis, the all weekend long counterpart of Viagara. I've seen the ad myself where a professional male voice says: "if you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, call a doctor." Said Gary Shandling: "If I experience an erection that lasts more than four hours I'm not calling a doctor. I'm calling everybody!!!"

http: //www.williamthomas.ca /2007/ pastcolumns.htm

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