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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A Warlord goes shopping at the mall on Black Friday. Fun ensues.

Submitted: November 28, 2014

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Submitted: November 28, 2014



~~I stared in disbelief at the mirror. I knew there was a chance I'd get them, but damn! Did they have to be so big? I gingerly touched my fangs. Ouch! Those suckers were sharp and holy crap! What had happened to my eyes? They weren't gray any longer but kinda silvery gold. "Goddammit Voss."

 Voss appeared behind me. "You shrieked sugar tits?"

 Meeting his amused gaze in the mirror, I growled, "Very funny, snookums. I have fangs! Big, ugly fangs."

 He turned me around and examined them proudly. "They're perfect. Just like you."

 "You're so full of it."  
 The big guy dropped a wary kiss on my mouth. "You're finally converting." Voss grabbed my fist before I could pop him in the nose.

 "I like being human."

 "Humans are weak and easily broken."

 Fixing Voss with a murderous glare, I snarled, "This weak human has saved your ungrateful ass over and over again."

 A muscle jerked in his cheek. "You almost died. I will not lose you. Once you're fully Coletti you'll be stronger and harder to kill."

 "Hello?" I pointed at my chest. "Trouble magnet here. Do you really think they're gonna take one look at my fangs and run screaming?"

 The Battle Commander crossed his massive arms and gave me his best scary face. "You are never to leave my side." 

 I mimicked his expression and stance. "Okay, but us girls are having a Thanksgiving slumber party. We'll be giving each other pedicures and facials. What color do you want us to paint your toenails?  Pretty in Pink or Screaming Red?"

 Utter horror flashed across Voss's face. "I will allow you to attend this party without me."

 A grin pulled at my mouth. It's not often you got to see a warlord in full tactical retreat. "You sure? We're having left over turkey, dressing and pumpkin pie."
 Voss pressed a kiss to my forehead. "As delightful as that sounds, I must decline your generous offer. Commander Zan and Sariel have asked for a meeting to discuss the Gorum." 
 "They aren't planning on doing anything stupid are they?"

 "No. The Gorum are sitting on a fortune in Ditrim crystals. They want a trade agreement with them."

 "Good." With a sigh, I looked at the mirror again. My skin was now a creamy copper color. "And for the first time in my life I actually have a tan."

 Voss stroked my cheek. "Which shows off your beautiful eyes." 

 "You've got a silver tongue, babe, but I haven't forgotten about the thousand women you boinked."

 A smile touched his hard mouth. "Would a crate of chocolate help you forget?"

  God, this was going to be so easy. "You know Christmas is coming up and some Victoria's Secret underwear, a Boppy Boo doll, a box of Godiva chocolate strawberries and some Chanel perfume would really help me forget about all about those other women."

 "I'll have Hothar purchase them for you."

 "No! I mean, do you really want Hothar picking out my underwear?"

 "A valid point."

 "Christmas is a special time on Earth. Husbands brave the horde of shoppers to prove their love. They personally buy their wives or mates gifts. Unless you're afraid. Black Friday can be deadly."

 "Warlords fear nothing."

 "Great." I planted a hot one on Voss's mouth. "The sales start at midnight, snuggle bunny."


 "Yep and you'll need to blend in."

 Voss eyed me suspiciously. "Blend in?"

 "No battle suit, swords, knives or laser pistols."

 Voss raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "You want me to go unarmed?"

 I stifled a laugh. "Weapons aren't allowed at the mall." 

 "Why not?"

 "I don't make the rules, sweetie."

 A growl rumbled in his chest. "The rules need to be changed."

 "Tell that to Uncle Saul and Central Command."

 The door gong sounded.

 "You sure you don't want to join us? It'll be fun."

 Poof. Voss was gone.

 I opened the door and grinned at Kaylee and Detja. "It worked like a charm."

 Kaylee laughed. "Did you have any doubts?"

 "Nah, you should have seen Voss's face when I mentioned the nail polish."

 Detja's gaze roved over me as she tucked her long silver hair behind her rather pointy ears. "You have begun the change."

 "Whoop-de-fucking do," I growled in disgust.

 "Adjusting to fangs is tough. I was always giving myself a fat lip," Kaylee consoled.

 I bared my fangs. "You don't think they're too big?"

 "Fangs are a honor bestowed on us by the Goddess," Detja stated firmly.

 "The Goddess huh?"

 Kaylee showed off her fangs in a predator's smile. "Yep and they're awesome in a fight."

 The only one I was thinking of biting was Voss. When he used his fangs on me, wowzers. The big O. Fanning myself, I asked,  "Are you sure Zarek doesn't know you borrowed the jammer?"

 "I am a master thief," Detja replied haughtily.

  "Yes, you are, but the Overlord left a piece of himself in my head and he has a nasty habit of checking on me when I least expect it," I replied hastily.

 She handed me a jamming unit. "With this neither Voss or Zarek will ever know you left the ship."

 "I think we're gonna get along just fine," I said cautiously.

 "Detja's an expert in handling testy warlords and she has taught me so much," Kaylee added.  

 "Really? What's the secret?"

 "Sex. Lots and lots of sex," Detja responded with a mischievous smile.

 "Voss is insatiable and I gotta admit Johnny really gets the job done," I sighed. 

 Kaylee burst into laughter. "You named his penis Johnny?"

 "Uh, yeah. It sort of has a mind of its own."

 With a melodious laugh, Detja said, "They do strike without warning."

 My communicator beeped.  I tapped the answer button. Bree announced, "We're good to go. Anybody checks and it will show you're still on the ship, Zoey. Once you start recording, a live feed will go straight to your quarters."

 Kaylee held out an elf costume. "When we're done with you, he'll never recognize you."

 I rubbed my hands in glee. "Let the fun begin."


 A full moon cast an eerie glow over the hideous cactus garlands decorating the mall parking lot. The endless trail of tail lights reminded me of red ants marching into  hell. There wasn't a parking space to be had, but the persistent shoppers kept on looking. Thud! Another rear-end accident. That had to be the fifth one.

 From my perch on the roof, I raised the binoculars and surveyed the shoppers milling about the mall doors. Where was snookums?

 Power rippled around me and the Battle Commander appeared on my roof wearing a baseball cap, black tee-shirt and jeans.
 Kaylee's shocked voice sounded in my earpiece, "Sonvabitch! What are the odds?"

 I stepped back into the shadows and hoped like hell the jammer would keep him from sensing me.

 The bell on my curly toed shoe jingled.

 A wicked smile curved Voss's mouth.

 "Shit! We're so busted," Bree whispered.

 To my utter surprise, snookums teleported away.  Huh? "He had to know I was there."

 "He knew, but you issued him a challenge," Detja stated.

 "Warlords do like their games," Kaylee agreed.

 A laugh broke from me. "The stinker."
 Screams rang out.

 I hurried over to the edge of the roof.

 The insane crowd of people surged for the now open doors and a brawl erupted as the shoppers fought to get inside.

 There was no sign of Voss.

 Teleporting into the mall, I checked the scanner on my communications bracelet. Snookums was heading for Victoria's Secret. 

 An animated Santa jerkily reached into a sack, pulled out a lavishly wrapped package and cried, "Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry. Merry. Merry. Christmas."

 "Sheesh." I stopped and examined the spastic Santa. Yep, someone had fried it's circuits. Wonder who?  "I told Voss to come unarmed."

 "Warlords are never unarmed," Detja advised, a touch sarcastically.

 "Gosh, what was I thinking?" I pulled the power cord.

 Santa slumped over. "Christ. Hooooo." 

 Weaving my way through the packed walkway, I stopped in front of the Victoria's Secret snowman display and started laughing. Voss was caught in the middle of a cat fight. Two women rolled around on the floor, pulling hair and pounding the crap out of each other.

 Another woman pulled a stun gun and zapped the hell out of  man running towards the cash register with his arms full of undies. He collapsed on the floor, jerking like a marionette.

 Voss simply stepped over him and picked up the matching bra and panty set I had been lusting after.

 An elderly woman wearing combat boots and a Santa hat whacked Voss with her purse. "How dare you hurt Harold." Another whack.

 The Battle Commander bared his fangs and growled menacingly.

  "It ain't Halloween buster." She smacked him again.

 "Oh God, he's gonna blow," Bree chortled in my ear.

 "Nah, watch," I said.

 My snookums bent down until he was eyeball to eyeball with the old witch. "Go home."

 The elderly woman nodded and walked off.

 Kaylee laughed. "Mind control. It works every time."

 Voss handed a credit card to the cashier.

 She thrust out her rather magnificent chest out and gushed, "Is this all? I'd be happy to show you our special items."

 A growl rumbled in my chest. "I'll show her special."

 Giving her a seductive smile, Voss grabbed the bag and his credit card. "Maybe later." He vanished, leaving the clerk giggling hysterically.

 He was so dead. I checked my scanner. Snookums was at the perfume counter.

 I popped in behind him.

 A skinny clerk with a bad case of acme stared at Voss in opened mouth astonishment. "You're Coletti! I knew you would come for me. I just knew it." She launched herself at him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'm yours. Take me."

 "Think we should hook her up with Wulf?"

 "Oh, definitely," Bree drawled in my earpiece.

 Voss pried her off. "Enough. Show me Chanel Number Five."

 The glassy-eyed clerk obediently trotted over to the display. She picked up a bottle, turned and began spraying Voss. "Chanel casts a spell over men and women. It's infinitely seductive."

 I waved a hand in front of my face. Omigod! Too much of a good thing. Voss reeked like a girl. 

 "Cease!" A black scowl on his face, Voss yanked the bottle out of her hand. 

 The clerk blinked owlishly. "Yes, sir."

 "Oh crap," Kaylee cried in my ear.

 I ducked behind a giant ornament. "What's wrong?"

 "Talree's here," Bree whispered.

 "Does he know?"

 "Oh yeah, he brought popcorn," Bree answered.

 "As long as Zarek is kept in the dark, we're good," I reassured her.

 The stench vanished.

 I peered around the ornament.  Voss had given me the slip. One glance at my scanner and I hurried toward the Godiva store.

 Crash! A man flew through the window of the chocolate store and slammed into a nativity scene.


 Voss walked calmly out of the store with a box under his arm and disappeared into the crowd.

 The man got to his feet and yelled after Voss, "You still smell like a pussy."

 Drawing my laser pistol, I stunned the jerk.  No one dissed my man.

 "Holy Mother of God. He's here," Kaylee gasped.

 Rubbing my now aching forehead, I wondered why I thought this was a good idea?  "Zarek?"

 "And we bought beer," Jaylan added.

 I dodged a runaway stroller stuffed with bags. "Gosh a party."

 Zarek's chiding voice sounded in my earpiece. "Did you think we wouldn't know, daughter?"
 "Uh, well..."

 "The term, I believe, is busted," Jaylan quipped.

 "Ha. Ha."

 People scattered suddenly and a four hundred pound man in a furry snowman Speedo smacked into me. "Sorry, lady."

 He was sorry? I never, ever wanted to see that again.

 Two shrieking teenage girls in motorized carts zoomed by, seeing who could knock down the most Christmas displays.

 Where the heck was security? That's when I noticed an old geezer in a uniform huffing after them. Yeah, that was going to work. Reaching out mentally, I commanded, "Stop."

 They stopped. The old geezer caught up with them and slapped the cuffs on.

 Jaylan snorted. "Humans are very entertaining."

 "You ain't seen nothing yet." I paused at the gateway to hell. The toy store. How in the heck had they managed to squeeze all those people inside? The aisles were crammed. The more aggressive shoppers used the carts as battering rams, knocking men, women and children out of their way.

 "This would make an excellent training tool for the younglings," Talree said thoughtfully.

 I added my two cents. "The cops who are forced to work Black Friday get combat pay."

 A riot broke out over the last two dollar Barbie doll. Five heavily armed officers waded into the melee and started arresting the trouble makers.

 A kid dressed like Santa stuffed boxed gift sets in his bag. 

 God, I hated thieves. I shoved my way over to him and ordered, "Put them back."

 "Fuck off."

 Voss magically appeared. He grabbed the startled kid by the shirt collar and stuffed him in the bag. The thief let loose with a string of profanity.

 "Silence," Voss commanded.

 The kid quit yelling.

 One look at the merciless line of his mouth and I eased back a step. "I think Santa's calling me."

 "Zoey," Voss rumbled ominously.

 I froze.  "Yes, poopsie?"

 "They are out of Boppy Boo dolls."

 Relief rolled over me. "Oh. I'm not surprised."

 The lid of a trash can whizzed towards us like a flying saucer.

 The Battle Commander caught it effortlessly and flung it back.

 Someone yowled in pain.

 Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!  A middle-aged woman wearing a ratty bathrobe pushed her out of control cart down the aisle with a crazed look on her face.

 Someone yelled, "Hey, that bitch in the bathrobe has all the Boppy Boo dolls!"

 That she did. About twenty of them.

 The crowd surged towards her.

 The middle-aged woman pulled a gun. "They're mine. Mine!"

 "Oh hell." I pulled my laser and stunned the whole lot of them. Enough was enough. 
 Laughter erupted in my earpiece.

 Kaylee called, "Way to go Zoey."

 "They never knew what hit them," Bree howled.

 Two pissed off cops headed my way with their weapons drawn.

 "I don't think the local authorities are happy with your interference, daughter," Zarek stated.

 "They can suck wind." I turned my attention to Voss. "Shopping all done?"

 Amusement filled his eyes. "Yes." 

 "Good. Let's blow this joint." I teleported back to the ship.

© Copyright 2019 Gail Koger. All rights reserved.

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