Aaaarrrgggghhhh!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

I was running very, very late for my train.

"Are you hungover?" she asked.

 

"I'm still drunk my dear" I retorted, adding, "But ask me in an hour and my answer will likely be yes."

 

She laughed. Why wouldn't she? It was very funny. I hadn't planned on rogering her silly last night but you should have seen her; a beauty with legs eleven and a favourable smile.  But still, I had a train today - that I could not miss. 

 

"What time is it?" I asked.

 

"Ten past eight," she replied. 

 

 By the time she asked, "Why?" I was getting dressed. Ten past eight!

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!”


My train was at 9:07 at Euston - the other side of London

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!”


She asked if everything was okay so I had no option but to gag her and tie her up. Her questions were slowing me down. I yanked off her front door so that the next chap wasn’t delayed like I was.

 

 “Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” I screamed; hurtling down the stairs. It served to speed me up (just like it improves a shot putter’s throwing distance). 

I dived through the window above the entrance doors and landed performing a perfect tuck and roll. I came face-to-face with a cat. I scooped it up. I had a feeling this feline would come in handy later down the line.

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” I screamed hurtling up the hill to the station.

 

A policeman climbed out of his car and looked in my direction sternly. I threw the cat at him and rushed passed. I arrived at the station to discover I had no money on my oyster card. I had no money in my account either so this was an issue. I thought fast.


"Look here madam, outside a police officer is torturing a cat,” I said.

 

In perfect timing the cat screeched (karma regularly rewarded me because I often opened doors for ladies and I always said please when purchasing goods). The police officer was drawing nearer.


"I not cat person" she replied (English was not her first language).


"He tortures dogs too. By setting insane cats on them."

 

With that she was off.

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” She screamed, hurtling out.

 

I hopped over the barriers and ran down the escalator. An old lady blocked my way so I flung her onto the adjacent escalator; which was going back up. Such sloth-like movements should never leave Harrow. I arrived at the platform with a minute to wait. It was now 8:25; I was cutting it close. 


The train arrived and I jumped on. I saw an overweight gentleman reading the Daily Mail and marched over to him.

 

“Now look here Sir, I am very late for my train at Euston. Your weight will slow the train down. Please alight here. You can take the next train in 2 minutes.”

Unfathomably, he took a jab at me.  However his flabby fingers were no match for my agility. I wish I'd kept the cat as it would have served me well now. Instead I ran down the carriage and found a lady in a burka. I scooped her up and ran at the chubby Daily Mail reader.

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” he screamed when he saw her.

 

He promptly dived off the train just before the doors closed. I plonked the Burka-lady back down at her seat. A small man was now sitting there. I didn’t have time to remove her from him. I opened the doors between carriages and hurtled to the front of the train. It was imperative that the driver sped up. I knocked twice but there was no response. I was going to have to blow my way through. I marched back to the Burka-lady.

 

“Excuse me Madam, are you by any chance carrying any explosives?”

 

“Sorry Sir but I am not. I am of the peaceful persuasion.”

 

I was at a loss when the small man whom she was sitting on spoke up.

 

“I have a stick of dynamite. I will give it to you if you remove this lady from my lap.”

 

The exchange was arranged and I marched back to the front of the train with the dynamite.


"Move back everyone." I demanded.

 

I lit the dynamite and hurtled back into the previous carriage. Bang.

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” cried everyone but me. This was not my first train door I had exploded and it wouldn’t be my last.

 

I hurtled though the smoke and yanked open the melted door. The driver lay slumped on the controls. He must have had a heart attack prior to the explosion. Thank god I blew through the door to learn of this. I checked his pulse and he was still alive.

 

He hand was clasping a green stick. I pushed it forward and the train sped up. We raced past Wembley Park. My change to Euston was at Baker Street. We were going as fast as we could but it was still not fast enough. I realised that the remaining passengers were still slowing us down. It was imperative that everyone alighted. I picked up the tanoy:


"Good morning everybody. Due to unforeseen circumstances I must now ask you to alight. Unfortunately, I will not be able to stop the train so you will have to do this whilst we are moving. You will then need to walk back to the station to get the next train. I apologise for any inconvenience but I’m running very, very late.”

 

There were grumbles of irritation, sure, but when I opened the doors people obediently jumped out. I considered throwing out the driver too. However I reasoned that as he was unconscious he might not land effectively (a good tuck and roll was imperative). Besides, we had sped up quite nicely.


It was now 8:40. We were minutes away from Baker Street. I started slowing down. That's when I remembered that the Metropolitan Line was off today.

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” I screamed.

 

A bus would never get me there on time.  A taxi would take too damn long to come. A motorbike could work though it would still be cutting it. No I needed a helicopter.  As a draw into Baker Street I was hit with another dose of tasty karma. A police helicopter was landing ahead.

 

I stopped the train and I jumped out. Three policemen were aiming rifles at me.

 

“Stop where you are” one said.

 

“Put your hands on your head” said another.

 

I did both.

 

“Where is the bomber?” the third barked.

 

I very nearly told him the whole yarn. I am convinced they would have understood and empathised completely. However it would have taken too damn long to explain and it was imperative I made this train. So I told a white lie; I just hoped karma didn’t punish me for it.

 

“There was no bomber, officers. The train spontaneously combusted. Furthermore, the train driver had a heart attack – unrelated I believe – and I stopped the train myself. The passengers are scattered between here and Wembley Park.”

 

As I expected the officers lowered their weapons and patted me on the back for my bravery. They tended to the driver and I demanded that I was escorted to Euston station by air.


"It is imperative I catch my train" I told them.


They exceeded to my request and I was soon up in the air flying to Euston. It was now 8:50.

 

“Can’t take you directly to Euston I’m afraid mate,” the pilot said.

 

“Why ever not?”

 

“No landing pad. Closest we can do is Kings Cross.”

 

“I’m afraid that just won’t do. I would miss my train.

 

And before you could say ‘Give me a parachute!’ I had a parachute attached to my back. 

 

“Are you sure about this mate?” he asked.

 

Obviously, I performed the sleeper hold on him immediately. I could not have doubt in my head. I nestled him down on his seat. I put it on autopilot and out I jumped.

 

I flew down at the station. I could see Kings Cross in the distance, the London Eye… I yanked the cord and flew back up then slowly sailed to earth. I had bad knees so became concerned about my landing. I honed in on a feminist protest; the backs of 5 women breaking my fall. I got up and pulled off the parachute. I hurtled into the station.

 

30 seconds I thought.

 

“Arrgggghhhhhh!” I yelled.

 

The information screen told me my train was on platform 15. I hurtled onto the platform as the porter announced the train was about leave. I dived into First Class just as the doors closed. I did my trademark tuck and roll to come face to face with a guide dog. I decided not to scoop it up because I did not need it.

 

The train started moving and I searched for a table seat but all of the seats were taken. One lady was jabbering on her phone and I doubted she would notice if I moved her. I carefully picked her up and placed her on an aisle seat then sat down in hers.

 

“Nearly missed my train,” I told the pretty lady opposite, with a sigh of relief.

 

Despite my hangover starting to kick in, she was a sight for sore eyes. I looked forward to rogering her silly later. The ticket inspector entered. This is when I remembered I had left my ticket at home. Karma for my white lie earlier…

 

“Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!” 


Submitted: December 01, 2013

© Copyright 2022 Gareth Brown. All rights reserved.

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Comments

HonestyAndCapacity

I hate it when this happens to me. Glad I'm not the only one who has to go through this.

Sun, December 1st, 2013 5:11pm

Author
Reply

Glad it's not just me! Love your riddles by the way. And no I didn't get any of them! And more offensive jokes please. Jew joke was hilarious.

Fri, December 6th, 2013 1:31am

smircle

I had no idea what to expect when I saw the title, but this was funny! So over-the-top and dramatic dynamite? Ha ha! I can relate with the missing the train [bus] part, but the others.. Good job, i enjoyed this :)

Wed, December 11th, 2013 9:11pm

Author
Reply

Thanks Smircle, Glad you can (partly) relate!

Wed, December 11th, 2013 1:40pm

Spyguy

A hilarious ride through instant madness... Enjoyable...

Tue, December 17th, 2013 11:46am

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