Ernest Malbery, Chief Executive of The Ritz, stormed towards the hotel muttering angrily. He was so livid at his imbecile of a son that he had left his house still wearing his slippers.
“Blast!” he exclaimed, frightening a pigeon so much it flapped its wings frantically and splashed a puddle of water all over a child eating an ice cream. Malbery had neither the time nor inclination to console the child as he had a very important meeting in twenty minutes and now needed to acquire some shoes.
“Damn you…” he muttered, thinking about his embarrassment of a son. Malbery would be retiring from The Ritz the following year, though, he very rarely frequented the place or indeed worked at all. He had engineered a meeting with Baroness Drinkwater to discuss the possibility of receiving an OBE, for outstanding hospitality in London. He was slightly concerned because he knew that the Baroness did not suffer fools gladly, which is why he had avoided her for his entire career.
Malbery was near Saville Row, where the cheapest shoe shop charged a two-pound entrance fee and an additional 50p-per-step in any direction. He then realized he’d also forgotten his wallet.
He had seen a fine pair of loafers in ‘Anti Plebs’ (20% off) a few weeks back but he needed to find a way in first. Malbery started to feel dizzy, and then, seeing another pigeon he hatched a plan. “I’ve got it!” He exclaimed and swooped up the pigeon.
He arrived outside Anti Plebs and waited for the rifle-holding security guard to turn away. When he did, Malbery set the pigeon loose in the shop. He watched as the security guard and three customers ran out screaming. In the chaos, Malbery sneaked in and scooped up the loafers. He arrived at The Ritz with a minute to spare and promptly popped on the loafers and dropped his slippers into the bin.
The doorman at The Ritz blocked Malbery’s entrance despite protestations that he was the Chief Executive.
“The Chief Executive is already inside,” the doorman told him.
Malbery bellowed that he was the Chief Executive but could not prove this as he didn’t have his wallet. He looked through the window and saw a silver haired man sat opposite the Baroness. Now thoroughly incensed, Malbery ranted in the fashion of a lunatic. A large crowd gathered and one Japanese couple even took pictures of him.
After exhausting himself with his rants, Malbery glared at the doorman and decided on how he would fire him. At this point, Albert (who had been mistaken for Malbery) emerged from the Ritz and told Malbery that, “Grabbing pigeons is not the behaviour of a gentleman.”
That sealed Malbery’s fate. The doorman, now convinced that Malbery was a lunatic, demanded that he leave. Malbery eventually did and vowed to kick his son out of his house once and for all.
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