A Clean Break

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
a boy and girl struggle with the aftermath of a break up.

Submitted: July 04, 2010

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Submitted: July 04, 2010

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Bang, Bang, Bang! is all I hear as my mom hammers on the door to my room and says, “Jenna open the door, you know the rule about having boys over! No locked doors!”

I quickly hide my instrument, wrap some gauze around my left arm, and put on my hoodie before I unlock the door and slowly open in.My mom is standing there glowering at me.I put on as innocent of a look as I can and say, “Mom, Jeremy’s not here, he never was.” I open my door the rest of the way to show her my boy-less room.

“Oh, well then why was your door locked?” my mom demands.

“Umm, I don’t know, I just felt like having some privacy I guess,” I say as I shrug my shoulders.

“Oooooh, I get it,” she says nodding her head. “It’s okay honey, I understand, you’re a woman, you have needs.” There’s an air of understanding in her voice.

I immediately turn bright red in embarrassment and demand, “is there anything else you need mom?”

“No honey, I think that should be all, but just out of curiosity, when’s the next time Jeremy will be over?”

“Not – Not for a while I don’t think,” I stammer. “He’s really busy with school and work and stuff.”

“Oh okay, well just remember to give me a heads up the next time you invite him so I can remember to make a meal that will feed a family of eight instead of four,” she chuckles to herself. “He eats so much it’s amazing sometimes.”

“Yes, yes mom, I know. Anyways, are you done?” I ask.

“Oh, yes, that’s right, you were busy,” she says making air quotations with her hands. “I’ll let you get back to that.

I turn bright red again as I shut the door, lock it and begin to slowly take off my hoodie. I can’t believe she thought I was doing that! That’s the last thing I would be doing. Of course, I would guess that this is the last thing she would think I am doing. I’m not much of an emo, never have been, never will.I do wear the skinny jeans sometimes, but never the bright red or purple or yellow ones.Only the regular denim blue ones, and only because Jeremy says my butt looks great in them.But who cares what he thinks! The selfish bastard can rot in hell!

I unwrap the gauze from my arm that I so poorly put on in the first place and investigate my wounds.The cuts are pretty deep for my first time, and it hardly hurt too. Actually it felt kind of good. Almost like a relief went through my body after the last incision was made.I know it’s mostly psychosomatic, but it was nice to feel a relief from the pain for even a brief second.

I know I shouldn’t be doing this, I know I should be trying to get over him in a healthy way. I know that lots of girls – and even some guys – have become addicted to doing this.But I love(d) him.He was my life for that amazing year and a half.He’s all I ever think about – which is something that I hope doing this will help stop. I need to get him out of my head.

Why did we even have to have that fight?! Why did I have to get mad at him for choosing to go to the University of Vancouver instead of the local one? After we had argued for an hour I threw the camera he had bought me at him and stormed out of his house.When I woke up the next day there was a message on my phone.His voice was a bit hoarse, but understandable.He told me that he hated to do this, but he was breaking up with me.He said that he had wanted a “clean break” but he could see that it was impossible.He said that it was for the best that we end it now, just before graduation, so that for the last two months of school we can learn to get over each other, maybe be friends, and learn how to cope with being 750 kilometres apart.I was able to accept that it was for the better – that was until I saw him in the hall today feasting on Ashley’s face.

I cannot believe that he betrayed me like that.To lie to me about it “being for the better” then turning around and making out with the next girl he saw! It just proves to me that all that time together was just a farce.It feels like a semi truck has slammed right into my chest, right where my heart used to be.

• • •

How could she do that to me?! She knows that I just broke up with Jenna! Oh god, what if Jenna saw? What am I going to do? Well there’s almost no way that Jenna could know, we did it in the middle of the hall during our spares.Luckily Jenna has class during that time block so all should be well.

I’m pacing around in my room mulling over what that bitch Ashley did as soon as she found out I was single. How did she find out anyway? After I broke up with Jenna two weeks ago we decided to keep it a secret.Our relationship wasn’t that open in public so we figured that nobody would notice.I thought it would be for the better if we kept it a secret because almost everyone in our fairly small high school knew us and supported us being a couple andI know that Jenna wouldn’t be able to handle it if people started asking her questions.Her life’s been on shaky ground the past few weeks.The thought of graduating scares her, and then the fact that she won’t be going to university with me scares her even more.And then her life at home has not improved since her dad left on a three month business trip and she is stuck talking care of her little brother most of the time.But I know that she will be better off without me in her life for the next two months.She needs to learn to get over me so that when I head off to Vancouver in September she won’t die of shock. But if word gets around about me and Ashley making out then I’m afraid of what Jenna will do.I just hope that school on Monday goes over smoothly.

Monday arrived sooner than I thought.I found myself walking up to the school making sure all the kids weren’t giving me the look they do when they are talking about you.With my first test passed I stroll to my locker grab my books and walk into my class room.My teacher is already there so I begin quizzing him on the homework that he assigned to make sure I got all the questions right.I need to pass this class with at least a ninety-five percent or else I risk not getting into my program at UVC.I know it shouldn’t be a challenge for me, Chemistry is a breeze, but I’m not taking any chances. The rest of the morning runs just like every other, except that all the kids have graduation on their mind.I’ve never understood why our school has graduation at the beginning of May, but it doesn’t bother me that much.

In English I sit beside Jenna as usual.I smile awkwardly towards her but she just looks down at her papers and ignores me.I hear Ashley, who’s sitting two seats behind me, whisper to her friend Erin.I can’t make out what is said but I was sure she was talking about me and Jenna not being together anymore.I think Jenna noticed too because she shot Ashley a look that spoke of the evils I’m sure she wished towards her.

The teacher tells us to get to work on our assignment and I take this chance to strike up a conversation with Jenna. “How are you?” I ask.

“Don’t talk to me you douche bag,” she whispers in the harshest tone I have ever heard her use.

“What are you talking about? Why are you calling me that? I don’t understand,” I question with an air of confusion.

“You know exactly what I am talking about,” she says as she nods her head towards Ashley.

Oh god! She knows! But how? I can’t ask her, it will just make her madder! Damn it! This is horrible! What am I going to do? How am I going to fix this?

“Jenna, I am so sorry. What happened between me and her. . .it meant nothing!” I whisper. “We were just talking and the next thing I knew she was leaning into me and then kissing me! I tried to pull away but she put her arms around me and held me there.I-I-I couldn’t stop it.”

“Oh give it a rest you bastard! I hope you rot in hell!” she yells at me and then proceeds to storm out of the room.

The next thing I know everyone in the class is staring at me in shock.Even Mr. Green looks surprised at what happened.I turn around me to see Ashley smiling with an evil grin on her face.My cheeks start to burn as I feel the piercing gaze of all thirty-two members of the classroom and I decide it’s best if I vacate the premises.Mr. Green doesn’t say anything to stop me as I exit into the hall and close the door behind me.I walk to my locker that is just down the hall, press my head against the door and release a long sigh.

How could this happen? It was supposed to be as close to a clean break as possible! Nothing like this was supposed to happen! Jenna and I were supposed to stay friends, not be enemies! But I’m sure that’s what we will be if this continues.

I go to my car to drive around alone and try to think things over without an interruption.After driving around for a while I look at the clock and notice that it’s time for lunch.I turn my car around and head back to school so I can try to hunt Jenna down and fix this before it gets out of hand. I get to the school and park in the first empty spot I find.As I get out of my car I notice that everyone in the field is looking at me.They are staring at me with looks of wonder and questioning.I walk across the field to the doors and no one says anything to me.They talk amongst themselves just loud enough for me to hear so I know that they are talking about me.As if I didn’t feel bad enough.

I walk into the cafeteria and thankfully not many people notice me.I go straight to Jenna and mines group of friends and begin to ask, “Hey, do you guys know where Jenna is?”

Jenna’s best friend Kelsey reply’s with, “No, you douche bag, and we won’t be telling you where she is so you can just hurt her more.”

“Wait, what?” I say. “I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I have to try to fix this, what happened. . . wasn’t supposed to happen and she has to know that.”

“Well we now know what kind of person you are Jeremy, the kind that just uses girls.And we won’t be helping you use Jenna anymore.”

Erik, my best friend then pipes up, “What do you mean Kelsey? You know Jeremy would never do anything to Jenna, and you know he doesn’t use girls, he never would! Ashley obviously used him!”

This instigated an argument between them and I knew that I didn’t have time for defending my honour so I went on continuing to look for Jenna.I looked in every classroom, every hiding spot, and every area that I thought she might be in, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found.I figured she must have gone home so I decided that it would be better for her to let her blow off steam and cool down before I try to approach her.

The next day she didn’t show up for her classes.And the day after.On Thursday I approach Erik and ask him if he knows how Jenna is doing.

“Well not good from the sounds of it,” he informs me. “Kelsey said that she noticed that her left arm pained her so she fears that she might be cutting herself.But I wouldn’t go see her if I was you man.Kelsey has been filling her with hate for you and she may just cut your balls off if you come within arm’s reach of her. And I’m not even kidding.” I thank him for the heads up and we get into talking about graduation and other things.

The day goes on but Jenna stays on my mind.I can’t believe she is cutting herself! Well I don’t know that for sure, but the evidence sure points to that.She always said that she would never resort to something like that, ever.I’m such an idiot.I should never have let Ashley kiss me.What if she hurts herself badly?! It will be all because of me! I couldn’t live with myself if she did.God damn! My mind races on with random thoughts appearing here and there. The rest of Thursday passes and I just feel worse and worse.I feel so bad by the end of the day that I’m not able to fall asleep and end up staying awake all night thinking.Sometime around four in the morning I decide that if Jenna is not at school later that day that I will go to her house and attempt to lessen her hate towards me and maybe fix things.At this point it’s looking like I won’t be able to fix things at all, but I decide it’s worth a shot. Seven o’clock comes which means that it’s time for me to get ready for school.

• • •

Damn, its seven.Gah, screw it, I’m not going to school! Fuck him! I hate him for what he’s done to me.He’s reduced me to a pathetic little emo girl! Kelsey is right, I just need to forget about him and move on to bigger and better things.Such as Erik, he’s so muscular and toned – No! He’s the fucker’s best friend, I can’t think of him that way.I have to think of something else.

Without even thinking about it I grab my razor and pull up my pants on my left leg.My entire left arm is covered with cuts so I’ve moved to my leg for more space.I start to make the incision and enjoy every second of the relieving pain.What am I doing?! Why am I so addicted to this? Am I taking this a bit too far? If I keep this up, mom may find out.Or worse – Sam. He would freak out if he saw what I’ve done to myself, the poor little guy.He hates cuts or injuries in general so much.

Thinking about Sam and what I’ve done to myself brings me to tears for what has to be the twentieth time this week.I’ve been obsessing over Jeremy and what he did all week.I’ve imagined killing Ashley about a million times over.I’ve imagined stabbing Jeremy in many, many different ways, mutilating his body like in the gore flicks, and doing other horrible things to him.I’m sure that if I keep obsessing like this it will be the end of me, but I can’t stop.

I decide that this has to stop, and it has to stop now so I pick up my phone and call Kelsey.I tell her to come over today after school and bring popcorn and movies and we’ll have a girl’s night.I tell her to bring the rest of our group as well, at least the girls in it.

After I hang up I smile to myself knowing that it’s just seven hours until I’ll see my friends again and see their caring faces and know that there are people here for me.

Just seven more hours.

• • •

Seven hours pass and there’s no sign of Jenna.I know what I have to do now, I have to go to her house and talk to her, work things out.I have to set things straight.As I get into my car I notice Kelsey and all her girlfriends getting into her truck.They must be having a girl’s night out or something.Well it is graduation tomorrow, all the more reason to celebrate.

I’m about to close my door when I hear, “Let’s go to the movie store first, I want to pick up that new slasher movie, I bet she’ll like it.”

I think nothing of what that girl said and I drive out to Jenna’s house.As I approach the house I see Jenna’s mom about to leave.I pull up to the curve and get out of my car.

“Oh Jeremy! I haven’t seen you here in a while!” Jenna’s mom says with enthusiasm. “Jenna is just upstairs in her room preparing for the night, go right up.”

“Oh. . . okay,” I respond, a bit stunned by what she said. What is she preparing for? Are those girls coming here? “Where are you going?”

“Just to the store to pick some things up, I’ll be right back.”

I say goodbye and walk into the house.Just as I do I hear a little boy scream from upstairs.Sam! Oh no what did she do to herself?!

I run up the stairs as fast as I can and slam open Jenna’s door.I see Sam holding a bent out paper clip – something he must have used to get into this room while it was locked – and cowering in the corner with tears running down his face.And I see Jenna, bent up against her bed, bleeding out of both arms with straight cuts going the length of her arms.

“Jenna!” I shout as I rush to her.I pick her up in my arms and say, “Jenna, why – why would you do this?!”

“I. . . hate. . . you,” she whispers to me.Those were the last words I ever heard her say.


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