My God!

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: June 29, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 26, 2019



Chap. 1


The first Chap


IT WAS A LIGHT AND PLEASANT DAY as Irving Melvin Adam Dumasse sat at his computer posting on Craig' list looking for a room mate, not really long term, but for while he was in the city of Drysbone selling yard sale merchandise trying to see if kicking off a business was a possibility.

He looked through all of the other people trying to find room mates and he sat string at his computer with his head on his chin.  

A few miles away sitting in front of his computer was another chap, with a hat that resembled a hat box, a fancy robe like shirt and a long beard, resting his head on his chin, and he was both searching for a room mate and also searching for mail order brides among the native women of Bonono, a short flight from his home town, where he would go as soon as his business venture in America was done.  

Clicking along, he saved the pictures and profiles of several women he wanted to consider more carefully.  One of them was a very beautiful woman with long flowing hair who was close to his age.  He kept her profile also to view when he had lunch.  

His name was Matumbo and behind him, on a velvet ceremonial blanket was Malmo, a statue about eighteen inches tall made of metal, with tall ears like a Jackal, big round eyes like Bart Simpson, a slightly frustrated look, a big belly and fuzzy feet finished off by a round tail sitting behind him with his fat little arms crossed.  

  Matumbo got up to get a drink and he bowed reverently in front of Malmo and said "My god."

Irving was paging through the ads and noticed some motorcycles.  He started looking at them very closely, and in a moment he began doing math in his head.

At that moment Matumbo wrote his classified ad looking for a short term roommate, and was ready to post it on Craig's list.  At that moment his neighbors cat darted under him as he went to fetch his photo, and while he was hitting the button, he yelled a curse at the animal and accidentally hit the woman's picture next to it.  

Matumbo paid little attention to what he was doing as he yelled at the cat, which ran close to Malmo, making him tip, and in a moment of panic, Matumbo reached out to stop the god from falling over and hit the download button.  

He was busy wrestling Malmo and also the computer and he franticly hit the buttons and posted his ad as he grabbed and steadied the god.

  His hand then hit the mouse over the profiles, and as a young woman popped up, Matumbo forgot what he was doing and began to look her over.  My my, so young, and added to mail order bride list!

At that moment Irving went back to looking at room mates since bikes were to expensive, and he saw a picture of a large man with glasses.  Hmmm, a big man, uh, not really tempting.  Then he saw his baby?  Bye, can't go fast enough.

Ah, interesting, Goth girl.  Hmmm, nah, probably has a pet spider.  Then his eyes got wide.

  In front of Irving Dummasse was a picture of a perfect looking Indian woman, with long flowing hair, a flawless face, and her name was Matumbo something.  Temporary roommate?

  Irving sent her a message at once.  

  As Matumbo sat at his computer he suddenly got a response.  Boy that was quick!  He saw the name, Irving Melvin Adam Dummasse and shrugged.   No big deal.  He checked his profile, and saw a cartoon smiley, and realized this was a sign from Malmo!  He bowed for a moment and said "my god."  Matumbo then sent a message to Irving saying...

"I would be glad to share rooms temporarily with you, sir."  Irving read, as he grinned in joy that at least his roommate was super good looking!

Irving happily got out of his chair and went to get a cold one, whistling to himself.

Matumbo received confirmation and got up to go get lunch.


Chap. 2

The Chaps Meet


Matumbo packed most all he owned and he got into his little van and drove down the road to the little tiny house he would be sharing for a few months with his new room mate he called Smiley.  He pulled into the driveway and when he saw the van, Irving got the small glass of flowers for his new room mate and he went to the door to greet her...

The beard really threw him, and his eyes got wide as a very strange man with a thick accent greeted him and he realized there was an error.  But Matumbo was very pleased that Smiley was so considerate as to acknowledge his vegetarianism by handing him a glass with flowers in it which were considered a delicacy in his country.  

  Irving stood and regarded this odd man who was eating the flowers and nodding happily as he opened his van hatch back to bring in his belongings, and the first thing, which had to be front and center and unpacked first, was Malmo.  Matumbo pointed his hands at the statue as Irving tried to swallow his shock and adjust to this change of events and said "my god!"

Matumbo took up happily in the small second room and put a square box by the window, int he center of the room and placed Malmo on it.  Most of his belongings he tossed ont he floor around it for lack of furniture, and he threw his bedding onto the floor with his pillow.

Irving whacked himself in the head for allowing himself to be fooled by his own attraction to a woman, and as the two men stumbled over their own accents, Matumbo bowed before Malmo, said "my god" and went to get to know his new temporary room mate who for some reason had whacked himself in the head.

"Are you well, my friend?"  Matumbo asked.

  "I am confused, sir."

  "Well after whacking yourself in the head I'm not surprised."

Irving pulled up Matumbo's picture and asked him "why did you send me this picture saying it was you?"

Matumbo looked and his eyes got wide.  "I so apologize.  She is from profile pic for mail order bride and I put her in by mistake.  You are looking for bride?  Matumbo find one for you!  What do you want, young, old, middle, thin, thick body, you tell me."

"I don't want a bride...well I wouldn't mind, really, but I was just looking for a room mate.  That's all for now."

  "I see.  Malmo may help you also!"

  "Who is Malmo?"

  Matumbo led Irving to his room and proudly pointed again.  "My God."  He said.

  "Gotcha, yes, of course.   Say what kind of metal is that?"


Chap. 3


The Chaps Have a Sale


A few weeks into the venture of being roommates, Matumbo and Irving were getting along well.  Irving had collected a small mass of items he kept stored in the house hall way for sale, and he respected Matumbo, who bowed each time he left his room to the little fat statue and regarded "my god."

It became apparent that too much of the items were not selling fast enough, and Irving wondered what to do with the excess.  Then an idea came.  Next door was Miss Pappis, a very old lady with very good intentions, who liked to come by and offer baked goods and be friendly from time to time.  Irving pleasantly sat with her over coffee and Matumbo spoke to her, unaware that she understood little of what he said, and responded by going "uh huh" alot.

  Finally Irving approached Miss Pappis about having a yard sale and she was very pleased with the idea.  "I can have a combination bake and yard sale at your place if you don't mind splitting the proceeds."  Irving smiled pleasantly.  "Not at all!"

  They agreed to have the sale, and one Saturday morning when Matumbo tottered off in his mini van to go meet his possible mail order bride Irving set up some tables and chairs and as he was about to help Miss Pappis He received a call from his sister to go take her to fill prescriptions.

  "You go to it young man."  Miss Pappis said cheerily.  "I can set up the sale without any help.  It'll be fun."   She said.

  With that, Irving left for town, Miss Pappis began singing to herself and setting up merchandise and Matumbo passed Malmo as he left his room, and bowed, saying "my god!" as he left to meet his possible bride.

Miss Pappis cheerily trotted items out into the yard and set them up all nice, an antique there, some books there, a glass item over here, then she found an exotic rug, hmmm, no, looks too used...and my what was this cute little metal thing sitting here with a pot belly, sour look and a tiny tail?  so adorable, she thought.  

Miss Pappis tottered the little critter out and put it on a table surrounded with a collection of old religious books she had on the rapture, welcoming the holy spirit into your life, and other things to share with buyers.


Chap 4

A Fine Young Chap

As the day rolled along people came, mostly buying baked goods, but enjoying the sale, and most of the religious books sold quickly to hopeful people.  At last a kindly looking gentleman came along with plastic glasses, a striped tie and a smile.  He looked around, bought some cake, then noticed Malmo.

"What have we here?  This is a sour looking little fellow indeed.  He looks old, and to be made of some sort of pot metal."

Miss Pappis smiled.  "Oh I have no idea, I just figured Mr. Dummasse probably picked it up at some rummage sale or estate."

  "Well he looks kind of quirky and would make a funny attention getting ornament, so I guess I'll take him.  How much do you want for the"

  Miss Pappis smiled.  "Ten dollars?"

  The gentleman handed her ten dollars and walked to his car with Malmo tucked under his arm, and he drove up the road, into the nice homes and walked into his house where his wife began to laugh as she saw Malmo the mighty on the kitchen table.

"He's so ugly he's cute!"  She said.

She tickled Malmo under the chin and walked out into the front yard, putting him in among her plastic squirrels, pelicans and frogs.  He said in the center of them and she laughed and pointed as Malmo stood silently, his arms crossed, his face pouting, and his belly shining in the sun.

  Later that day Irving returned home and gave Miss Pappis a break from her activities and sold most of his merchandise.  As the sun went low in the sky, a smiling Matumbo came home and sang to himself as he got out of his van.

He was very pleased with his mail order bride, a fine young woman who was very attractive, pleasant and she had many skills, and a very nice sense of humor.  He was certain they would have a good relationship, he just wanted to take time to get to know her a bit more.

  As Matumbo made a fish egg sandwich he doubled to his room and froze.  He stood fish eggs dropping on the ground and Irving asked "what's wrong?"

  Matumbo pointed and said "MY GOD!"   Irving looked into the room and was shocked to see the little statue missing.  He began to topologies, but Matumbo simply told him, they must find Malmo the mighty!  Just as soon as he was done with his sandwich!

Irving asked Miss Pappis about him and she replied "oh dear, I thought it was a little antique you had picked up someplace.  I think a man from up the road might have bought it."

  Matumbo wrung his hands and shook his head.  "My god!"  He said.  

Matumbo got into his mini van to drive around and see if he could find Malmo the Mighty.  Surely his most powerful god could be found and would lead him the way!"


Chap 5

A Dirty  Little Chap


Scooter was a good little dog, short hair, brown spots on white, and he never messed anything up in the house.  He slept at the end of the bed next to Twinkie the Mouse Terrier.  

  Twinkie was special.  She had been in film and on television and made lots of money for their owner, Jennifer.  They ate from a nice big plastic bowl and regularly got hot dogs and lunch meat.

This evening though, Jennifer heard thunder rumbling outside and she went to the front door.  "Twinkie, Scooter, you need to go outside before it starts raining!"

Twinkie and Scooter ran outside, ran in circles, barked, then  felt a little urge inside, so they made their way to the flower mound and Scooter noticed a little fat thing, shiny, with arms like a human.  He went over and sniffed it.  It already smelled bad, but since it was part of the yard decor, he decided to mark it so he hoisted his leg.  Aaaahhhh, better better, and the little crossed arms seemed to shine even more.  

Scooter and Twinkie ran back to the house as thunder rumbled and as the door closed, a large bird was making for the tree in the back yard.  The thunder rumbled again, and it shocked him just enough to make his innards jerk, and the round he was saving for Mr. Muldoon's car roof fired early.  It sailed down through the air and struck Malmo the Mighty on the head.

Malmo stood, his arms crossed, and his belly covered with disposed material from surrounding animals as rain began to pour down.  

A mini van came down the opposite road, and Matumbo examined the yards, muttering "My god?"  as he drove.

  He stopped at a home with a tall wooden fence and he could see between the boards something shining and gold looking.  Matumbo stopped, put his hands together, and said "My god!" certain that Malmo had guided him.  

  Matumbo got out of his minivan and went to the fence, and he hopped up and down, seeing a gold belly shining and he said "My GOD!" excitedly, and climbed up onto the fence, going over the top and landing on the other side, striding toward a small area by a rock garden.  Matumbo stopped in his tracks, and stared.  It was not his, god, it was another, god, Buddha, sitting in the rock garden.  

  Matumbo stalked angrily toward the fence, mad that anyone could have a useless god such as Buddha, his fat belly adorning their yard.

  Seconds later Matumbo was running hard, jumping the fence as a large dog snarled after him and bit a chunk out of his body robe.  He landed on the other side of the fence and said in frustration "my god!"

Matumbo returned home as the night sky filled the city of Drysbone, and he stared at the ceiling from his bed and said sadly, looking at the empty alter, "my god."




A Chopped Little Chap


In the morning light, Richard Doggins got out of bed and bundled to the front yard of the house to stretch.  Lo and behold as he stood outside, he beheld a little statue in his mother's flower garden, a cut little man, thing, something, with crossed arms, a sour look, and a fat belly, two tall ears like a jackal, and even a little round tail.

Richard went to look at it and walked around it in joy.  what a cute little ugly guy!  He picked it up and carried it to his truck.  Mom wouldn't care if he turned little fatty here into a hood ornament!

  Getting out a drill, Richard drilled a hole in the rear section of Malmo the Mighty and stuck a nut and bolt in him and bolted his butt to the hood of his pickup truck.  As he finished screwing Malmo's butt he sniffed him and said "wow, for some reason you smell like crap."

  As he did this, Matumbo got out of bed, beheld the empty altar and said dejectedly "my god...." and put on his body robe and round hat, to go and get his work done for the day. Irving took a moment and apologized again for the error and promised "I'll go help you find Malmo the Mighty later today after work.  We should be able to find your god in the neighborhood."  Matumbo bowed in agreement and they left the house.

Richard drove down the road to take his deliveries in his truck and frequently people peered out their windows and got a laugh out of Malmo sitting on his hood.  But as Richard Doggins passed a police officer he soon saw red and blue flashing lights and pulled over.

  "Was I speeding, officer?"  Richard asked.  The officer looked at his license and shook his head.  "No, your speed was fine, but that...what is that thing on your hood?"

  "I don't know, my mom had it in her flower garden."  Richard replied.

  "Ok, well it's too big to be a hood ornament.  How is it attached?"

  "I screwed it's butt."  Richard replied.  The officer stared for a moment.  "Ok, well put it back in the flower garden, ok, Mr. Doggins?"

  "Sure thing sir."

  As he drove off, Richard shrugged and drove down the road.  Ahead of him, another ar with a little boy eating a hamburger was driving and the little boy pointed to Malmo the Mighty and laughed.  As he did his hamburger caught the wind and flew straight into Malmo's face, splattering ketchup, meat and onions all over his face.  

Richard pulled into his yard and his mother came out of the house.  "What did you hit?  There's blood and guts on my...wait, why is my goofy lawn ornament on your truck?"

"I thought he'd make a good hood ornament!"

  "Take him off and put him back, and while you're at it wash him!"  Mother stormed  Richard shrugged.  "Yes mother."  Minutes later as Richard washed his truck, he shot water, soap and rinse all over Malmo the Mighty's face.  White soap dripped down the face and onto the ground.




The Chaps Look for the 

Little Chap


Irving M. A. Dummasse arrived back home and took off in the minivan with Malmo to find his god.  They checked with a number of people and showed his picture but none of them had seen or heard of Malmo the Mighty.

At last, in despair, Matumbo held up his hands and said sadly "my god!"  and turned his minivan toward home.

Irving thought for a while.  "Can we get you another one?  Possibly off of E Bay?"

  They arrived at home and Irving searched E Bay for Malmo, and found books of legends, little plastic Malmos...but he could not imagine is room mate bowing down to worship a key chain first thing in the morning.

Irving puzzled over it, wondering if he could sculpt one from clay or hire someone to make one.

As he did this, Mother Doggins looked at her flower garden and realized her new Purple Pollyanthropod Pods would not go with Malmo, and he was badly stained from chemicals anyhow.  She shrugged and took him to the curb.  

He was good for a laugh but let the garbage man have him.  Her husband just laughed and shook his head.

Malmo dressed in his best colorful body robe and got in his mini van.  Time to go meet his mail order bride to get to know each other.

He drove down the street and stopped at a lovely restraunt where he saw her car in the lot.  Straightening his hat and body robe, Matumbo walked into the restraunt and had a wonderful evening of dinner, drinks, and talk.  She was so right for him, he could feel it.  So he pulled a photo up on his phone so she Malmo to her and said "My god!"

His mail order bride looked confused and replied "Are you sure?  He looks like Dago, the lord of demons from the third hell, if I'm not mistaken."   Malmo paused for a moment and wondered if he had been worshipping the wrong god.  He then finished desert and kissed his soon to be bride good bye and headed for home.




The Chap's Chap


Matumbo was thrilled with his lovely new mail order bride and was whistling a song as he returned home when he cut down a small side street...and in a pile of garbage he saw two pointy ears.  

"Oh, my GOD!"   Matumbo proclaimed and he pulled over.  He got out and rescued Malmo the Mighty and placed him in the passenger seat.  He drove home very happy and pulled into the yard.  He glanced over, petted the metal ears and said happily "my god!"

Matumbo got out of the car and danced around to the other door and opened it, happily grabbing up Malmo the Mighty from the seat, and catching his ear on the door as he turned.  

Matumbo lost his grip and Malmo tumbled to the pavement and shattered with a crash.  

Matumbo looked at the mess and said "my GOD!"

He thought for a moment, then hoped he had just shattered Dago the lord of Demons, because in the next life he would not want Matumbo the Mighty angry with him.

  Later, Irving saw Matumbo empty a dust pan into the trash and he looked at him.  Matumbo  shrugged and said sadly "my god."
























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