Is this all there is?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Another life. Another time. A life that was full of despair and misery - just who created all the pain?

Submitted: February 06, 2009

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Submitted: February 06, 2009

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Is this all there is?
 
 
 
Here I am, Saturday again, and as usual alone. The kids are out and he is in the pub, spending the money that should have been put on the table! It’s okay for him. He has my wage slips and knows exactly how much I have. After all everything it takes to run this place I have come to hate, is out of my pay packet.
 
You bet I am angry. I am hurt and feeling trapped. Trapped in a life where I see no change. The only thing changing, is me. I have turned into this drudge, this woman who is downtrodden and worn like an old doormat! I am the doormat!
 
I am thirty-nine going on ancient. Christ! I feel so old, so tired and used up. There doesn’t feel like there is anything left. Nothing left in me. I have given everything I have and everything I am. 
 
I used to laugh and sing around the kitchen when I lived with my parents.  These days, only silence! Tears flow from my eyes without any real provocation.  As for any humour and laughter there isn’t any. Never has been. Am I funny? Do I have a sense of humour. Maybe it is all me? But I don’t think it is.
 
I don’t even know what love feels like. Did I ever feel it? There was never a time when I was dewy eyed with love, sadly.  I wonder what that feels like!
 
He will come in from the pub and expect to have sex –that’s right have sex. Make love? What’s that?I am just 8 pints beautiful to him. A thing for sex or abuse.
My skin crawls at the mere thought of the key in the lock, let alone the smell of beer on his breath and his ridiculous falling over – which usually starts way before he has even reached the front door.
If I pretend to be asleep he will still touch me all over, whilst I am gritting my teeth, and if I don’t ‘wake-up’ on command, it will be followed by the usual treatment. Yes. He will kick me in the shins and curse me out, accusing me of getting it somewhere else. Otherwise why do I refuse to let him have me? It couldn’t possibly be that I am scared shit-less by his violence can it?
 
Twenty-four years! I look back on these years and wonder where did they all disappear? Why am I still here? Two suicide attempts and I still woke up in hospital seeing him clenching his jaw and fist yelling yet more obscenities at me.
 
How much more do I take? Am I supposed to be dead inside even if I still walk? Why am I so afraid?
So many questions! Why on earth can’t I find the answers?
 
I feel like a rat trapped in one of those spinning wheels, all I do is go round and around in my head and end up right back where I started.
 
(falls to the floor screaming out aloud)
 
“Christ! Is this all there bloody well is?” “Is this it?” “My lot!” I feel somewhere deep down inside me, that there is so much more waiting for me. I can’t explain why either, I just feel it.  I deserve some happiness and I deserve some love whatever that is or may be. I just deserve more!
 
This is my fault. I have allowed it. 
 
If I didn’t tolerate all of what goes on then it would not be happening. Do I really feel so little for myself? Or am I just whining again?
 
I cannot have any respect for myself or I would not allow any of this. I cannot use the kids as a reason to stay. So why do I stay. 
 
Fear. Why am I fearful? What more can he do to me that he hasn’t already. What more can anyone or anything do to me? Hasn’t he taken enough away from me already. Yes I allowed him to. I am his ready made door-mat.
 
I am not going to take this any more. I am sick and tired of the hate I feel. How many years have I been saying to myself ‘I hate my life’ and then I do nothing to change it! Bit like the shrink said ‘lose the husband, no problem’ Hmm now I am beginning to understand.
 
Time to go and take my chances on a life I do not yet know. Time, to open up some windows, and let in the sun. Time, to set myself free. 
 
I can do this. I need to do this for my own sanity and to get what I really do deserve, rather than just existing! I am not a robot, I have feelings.
He’s doing his usual overtime tomorrow and will be back here around 7pm. I can grab the things I really need and stay with Karen, she’s always telling me to come and stay with her. So I will, until I find a room or something.
Something has got to give.
This is it. This is the start of my new life. Yes my new life, and already I am feeling strangely excited. I can feel the breath of life starting to fill me up and it is bringing back my voice. I do have a voice and this time I am going to be heard! I will sing, dance and scream! I will feel giddy because at last, I’ll befree!
 
Vee StJohn-Byles © 2009 all rights reserved


© Copyright 2017 Gentlespirit. All rights reserved.

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