The Girls Day Out

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Three friends had planned a girlie day out. It did not turn out quite how they expected.

Submitted: January 04, 2009

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Submitted: January 04, 2009

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On Monday it was time for the 'great escape’ The week before, the three of us had arranged to meet up for the whole day, to browse around the market and enjoy a quiet lunch close to where Julie lived. We were all looking forward to it, especially as it would be just the three of us. It would be great to find some bargains on the market, brush up our ‘spanglish’ get some lunch and generally have a real ‘girlie day’

Well I suppose you win some and you lose some.

The trouble is when you lose some you often keep bloody losing!That was the kind of day in a lot of ways, but in others it, was er,‘special’

First thing was I had not slept that well on the Sunday and Lena was coming early at quarter to nine or before.I had to get up early as I hate rushing at the best of times. I also needed a shower, do my hair and make myself appear something close to human. Thankfully, I had done the ironing - as my clothes for so long had been in boxes in the garage. But we now have a fully functional closet in our bedroom, so I can at least hang my stuff up! Not bad considering we had been living in Spain for over a year now.

There really would, for me at least, have been nothing worse than getting up at the crack of dawn to iron a bunch of clothes to go out

while I am in the midst of a fucking hormonal shit-storm! The more I rush it seems, the more my hormones play their dirty tricks, because even when I slow it down, I begin to resemble some animal who has had its head shoved down the toilet! So much for the menopause. I was, at times, all of the nasty dwarves of the menopause put together.

So I threw on the clothes, dried my hair, which refused to play ball with me today, leaving me with an absolute bad hair day; I had puffy eyes, hay fever and the raging hormonal queen bitch of flushes!Hair stuck to my head like it had been glued and sweat proceeded to run in rivulets down my newly painted face so that I ended up looking like some two-bit hooker not long off her John!

You see, I had just applied this new make-up that is supposed to actually make you look like you have the most natural tan. Yeah right, of course it does!

The trouble was it comes of with water (need I say more?) So now that all had to come off. After scrubbing away at my face, I ended up looking like I had shoved my face into a bag of white flour. Only the shade of lipstick I was wearing combined with the fact that there was actually some movement, intimated to people that I was in fact not a corpse.

The high pitched toot of the car notified me that Lena was waiting outside on the drive for me. I was doing the last minute dash to collect keys, purse, money, sunglasses and tissues. Yes! Loads of tissues; which were a necessity these days, especially as I was living in this heat!

Ok! Bag, money, (phrases of spanglish in my head) ready for the bartering at the market, which was bound to be besieged by legions of screaming Spanish senoras and eengleesh.As I poked my head into the car, there sitting like the Queen of England on her throne, was Mommy Dearest! That really made my day! It was the straw that broke the camel’s proverbial!Lena had her Mother in the car (this was not expected) I felt quite irritated as this was supposed to have been our girlie day, we were not meant to be granny-sitting! ‘Shit, shit’ ‘shit’.

I couldn't say a bloody word! Lena pointed out the fact that as there were only three seats (now her Mother had demanded to join us) it would mean that I would need to sit on the floor. It was a small car and it had been adapted for her disabled husband’s wheelchair use, in so doing, one of the seats had to be removed in order to accommodate a wheelchair.

I stepped backwards out of the car and went into my villa to collect a pillow to sit my ass on. As Julie suffers with ankylosing spondylosis, she needed a proper seat. To give you an image of what it was like, I am all squished up like a shriveled blow up doll being bounced around on a man’s bony legs! The car floor was uncarpeted and unyielding corrugated cold grey metal, not the best way to travel.

Then the fun began!Joy – Lena’s Mother (or as we all call her ‘Mommy Dearest’) started! This set the tone of the whole day.

What I have not mentioned is that Lena is broke and needed a job. She had an appointment for an interview midday at an Estate Agents in a place around a half hour's drive further than where 'we three' were headed for. We were headed for a long, dusty, cramped and seriously hot drive!

Mommy dearest:‘why do you want this job Lena, does it mean you are going to have the car and I am going to be left on my own five days a week without being able to get out? I cannot get into town without a car and you well know it. You are being so damn selfish!’

Lena:(Seething) as I could see her stressed out face in the driver’s mirror.Her eyes rolled toward the heavens and she screamed at Mommy Dearest 'Look, you KNOW I need a job.How the hell can I live here if I don't get a job - you knew I had to work well before we came here'

Mommy Dearest ' That's alright for you, but what am I supposed to do - stuck in the villa for the best part of the week while you are out gallivanting?’

Lena: Sweat now trickling down her forehead and the sides of her face. Her expression was one such as you get when some PMS bitch-on-heat looks like she is about to do the old man in!

She retorted in a pitch which almost pierced my ears 'Mom! Do you have to talk down to me like am a kid! I am not a kid! I need to fucking work! You knew this way back in England! You could sell your bungalow in England and buy yourself a little car! How am I supposed to drive all the way to work if you want the car to yourself?'

Silence. Exasperation. Frustration. The atmosphere was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Let alone the sheer embarrassment quotient.

The tension was building quite nicely by now in readiness for WW3 to freaking break out. Meanwhile, here I am in absolute agony on this damn pillow and wanting to jump in to be referee. I was quiet. I daren't say anything for fear of letting loose reservoirs of pent up venom, I hated Lena's Mother with a vengeance.

Mommy dearest: ‘You ARE selfish. You act like a child! You don't think! ‘I thought we were coming to Spain to enjoy life and all I am getting is dumped at the villa. I have friends in England who all know me, here I have no friends! All Spanish no one speaks any English!’ she whined and moaned, acting out another boring drama.she would always insist that Lena learned the language as she had a younger mind!

There was a brief respite from all the shrieking and then she continued.

‘You are expecting too much of me. ‘Anyway, you never get up early so just how are you going to hold down a job? You’re up half the night on that damn computer and wonder why you sleep half the day while I am doing all the housework’

The sarcastic whiney barrage continued…

How's the housework all going to get done if you are only back in the evenings; what about my bingo; table top racing and the shopping? You are expecting ME to get the shopping then? What about the car thing again?How do I do the shopping if you have the car? She screeched like a banshee on heat.

Lena’s face was a picture.

The car swerved at this point as we were on a tight bend. Yours truly was trying to hang on for dear life, as I had slipped off the pillow and landed between the two front seats and crushed up against the door handle

Lena: 'Look Mom, first of all stop talking to me like I am a kid. I am a grown woman of 45.I am trying to tell you that without a car I cannot get to work.Do you NOT want me to work? Do you have any suggestions about how I can manage to pay all the bloody bills then? What do you mean about’ her words became smothered by another tirade.

Mommy Dearest:(interrupting mid flow) Screaming pitch again. ‘You act like a spoilt child, you want everything to go your way and expect me to be stuck at the villa while you are away, me doing all the cleaning and taking care of the dogs while you are out for ages enjoying yourself!’

Another interruption courtesy of Lena (meanwhile I am looking for a razor to slit my wrists) Guess I just ought to keep my head down and stay outa the flack.

Lena: ‘Do you want to go back to bloody England then?’

Brief pregnant pause

Mommy Dearest: ‘I didn't say that, I only said that in England I knew people, and people know me. I had things to do. I had a car or I could walk.I cannot walk into town as it is too far. I think you are selfish, you never think of me. Just forget it!’ She closed herself off, arms folded tightly across her chest, head in the air and lips tightly pinched together. I felt like slapping her ugly tight assed face.

Lena: ‘Oh that's that's right, ladle on the guilt wont you? . Remind me how I took you away from all your friends and everyone you knew wont you!You wanted to come here!' My ears were bleeeding now.....

'You.........'

Mommy Dearest:‘I put a third of the money into this villa just you

remember that!’ (she snarled while cutting Lena off once again mid
stream)

Lena: ‘for chrissake Mom there is no pleasing you! I cannot do anything right! I am trying to get money to pay the bills or else I will have to go back to England and I do not want to!I need the car for five days. How else do I get to the place where I will be working? And as for all those friends and others you speak about; you never went anywhere in England anyway. All you do is sit and watch the soaps all day long’

That did it! This comment really put the cat among the pigeons and made the hairs on my neck stand on end!

Mommy Dearest: ‘What do you mean?’ She bellowed at the top of her voice. She defensively carried on. ‘I do have friends and I don’t sit in front of the television every day. You are the one who spends practically 24 hours every day at that damn computer in your room (she continued without a breath) and it’s you who has the hard time getting up in the morning too!’

For Lena’s sake and also for myself, I decided to jump in and try to take some of the heat out of the situation.

‘Look Joy’ Itried to speak softly and soothingly (Mommy Dearest) ‘It sounds like you are really unhappy here.Lena does need to work, but I am sure you would like to feel more independent and get out and about doing the shopping and seeing friends’

(trying to be oh so tactful and endeavouring to get the 'heat' off Lena)

Mommy dearest: ‘yes’ she muttered under her breath

I continued, trying to soothe ‘I thought you had some friends where you are living now, can’t you visit them or have them visit you while Lena is away working or something like that? Surely one of your new neighbours really wouldn’t mind dropping you into town to do shopping and then fetch you home?

Mommy dearest: I am not a one to ask!Anyway, they haven’t been here long’ she said, obviously making excuses.

Silence – protracted this time!

Lena: ‘That is a good point Mom. You could perhaps do one of your favourite things; gardening and join the garden club to meet other people too and maybe you could get to meet the neighbours better especially if you were to invite them for a coffee morning or something like that?

Mommy dearest:Arms tightly folded over chest, jaw clenched, silently seething ‘You’d just love that wouldn’t you Lena!’ she spat.

The atmosphere was still thick as treacle, you could almost slice it. At length, (and it seemed bloody hours) we arrived where we said we would meet Julie.

Julie, dearest smiling Julie, fresh as a daisy, poked her head into the car – bouncy smiley Julie! Hi everyone’ wearing a huge smile on her face, until she saw the glares on the faces of everyone else in the overly cramped vehicle.

Julie: ’Something I said?’ Obviously, sensing the somewhat putrid atmosphere.

My head was banging. I was sweating so much that my face had taken on the appearance of a marathon runner as I endeavoured to hang onto the pillow I was sitting on.

Lena: ‘No. Of course not, we were just talking about me going for that interview’

I remained silent apart from saying a quick ‘Hi’ to Julie and instead just kept thinking to myself ‘if only you knew, you’d be outa here quicker than a fart in a bucket.

Julie: Are you all right there Lucy?You don’t look too comfortable on that pillow!You are all red and sweating, you sure you are alright girl?’

Mommy Dearest: (Turning round to look at me for the first time during this nightmarish drive) in a somewhat sarcastic and condescending tone, ‘You do realize of course, that sweating like you are is a sure sign of a heart attack don’t you?’

I just stared into open space. Quiet. ‘Nice fucking thought, thanks for that’ I fully meant the sarcasm. 'That is all I needed to know right now I thought to myself''

Silence

The rest of the day was good in the main. Got my curtain fabric, bought some nice shoes and also some bits and pieces for my card making extravaganza.Lena was still away at the interview by this time and meanwhile Julie, Joy and I were trolling around the town up hill and down dale in this shop and that shop.It was bloody hot, and bloody hard work with Mommy Dearest.At length, Lena came back:She was back so quickly we KNEW she either did not get the job, or did not want it.

Then we all stood outside a haberdasher’s which I wanted to go into and Lena came with me.Mommy dearest stayed outside with Julie (this was planned) inside the shop Lena says to me ‘I'm so sorry Lucy! ‘I cannot believe my Mom, I feel so embarrassed, she has changed since we came here'

'We were great friends in England, now she has turned into 'the Parent from hell' and treats me like a kid. She does NOT have friends in England, only acquaintances' Lena looked so crestfallen i felt real sad for her rather ugly situation.

(I was gob smacked) 'So she is not being truthful then?’ I replied, amazed at the truth of the matter.‘No’ added Lena with a pained tone in her quiet voice.

‘She only ever sat in front of a TV in England, and that is exactly what she does here’ She will not even try to get a social life going, nor will she try with the neighbours just to be friendly’

I then asked Lena whether her Mom gets into the pool or does much gardening, you know messing about with pots and a small rockery.'Been in the pool once in three months, and she hardly does anything in the garden, but oh my God - the house has to be squeaky clean just in case the fucking Queen is coming to tea and then she is forever on my back because I am up 'late' at ten o-clock in the mornings’ Lena replied, obviously irritable and frustrated. she continued

‘She forgets I have difficulties with my disabilities and blames it on my being on the computer 'half the night' which I am not because…’Lena’s voice trailed off as Mommy Dearest enters the shop

’Leeeena! Lena!Lena! Joy shouted sharply and loudly, ‘Where are you, don't forget I want to go to the shop down the road, you know the shoe menders!‘Come on what are you doing now.The shop will be closing soon. God you are slow, what the bloody hell are you doing? what you doing in there, I haven’t got time to stop and be chatting away in Spanish!’

Lena - Eyes rolling, fists clenched as if in kill mode, responded curtly, ‘Yeah like I don’t know that!’ ‘I know!’ I'm coming’ then she turns to me and says, ‘I am having a shit day with her, the job wasn't what I wanted, sales only on commission, when I was told I would be put in supportive admin and now all this crap! I gave Lena a hug and walked out into the street smiling to greet Mommy dearest (whom I could quite happily strangle myself by this time)

The rest of the day was all more of the same - nit-picking between Mommy Dearest and Lena (less so Lena) it really was like being at a tennis match, each trying to score points off the best ball lobbed at the other!Julie and I continued to stick to walking a few 'polite'

paces behind them as we continued with our 'girlie day out'HA!

We had lunch which was really nice, we went to the market a few times and some other shops and quite frankly, I was wishing I was back at Julie’s house having a fucking cuppa tea!

Julie’s house: (time now around 4.30pm) Had four glasses of water, which then poured out of all my pores and Mommy dearest says:

‘Oh Lucy you better watch that, all that sweating is what women who are having a heart attack get!’ then she deftly added ‘and at your age too of course!’

I quickly responded ‘Really Joy?’I didn't know that? What a cheerful thought!(weak attempt at humour here) ‘why don’t you pull your knife out, it is beginning to hurt!’ I added cuttingly.

Julie:Trying to hidea smothered laugh, ‘Lucy, you look hot girl, do you wanna glass of iced tea?

Lucy: Abso-bloody-lutely and if you will all excuse me, I really need a fag! ‘Julie get your kit out kiddo! ‘Come on flash the ash! (fags = cigarettes and lighter)

We left Julie’s at about 5.40. as we were going to the town near where I live to get me signed on for Spanish lessons.I really was NOT excited about the drive back, which, without boring you to suicide, was more of the same-o same-o.The bickering and nit picking continued almost as if I wasn't even there.I felt emotionally exhausted.

We arrived at the School at 6pm - managed to fumble my way through enough Spanish to make myself understood, handed in my papers and got all signed up.The rest of the journey to my house (5 mins) was spent in TOTAL CRUSHING SILENCIO....

At last the car stopped, and Lena got out to help me with the bags, pillow and extricating my somewhat bashed, hot and bruised body from the floor and car door handle!

She then whispered to me 'Lucy I will email you and let you know what happens’ to which I replied ‘I will email YOU and tell you what I reckon OUGHT to happen’ I almost growled back at her, even so Lena didn’t take it badly, for she knew I had not aimed my sarcasm at her.

We hugged and said our goodbyes and Mommy dearest just sat there, looking for all the world like she really was the fucking Queen of England! Poor Lena.

‘Poor me!’ I was exhausted, bruised, hot and UP TO MY TEETH with Mommy Dearest. I now appreciate the necessity for euthanasia!

Well that was Monday’s Girlie day out! Wasn’t it wonderful? I can hardly wait for the next one!’

……………..
Vee stJohn-Byles 2009


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