Spam Sketch

Script by: Georgi Daverov


Let that be referred to all who find spamming annoying. You are not alone.


Submitted: January 23, 2013

A A A | A A A


Submitted: January 23, 2013





By Georgi Daverov



Store Owner: in his fifties

Boy: in his twenties


We see the Store Owner behind the desk, busy with a daily routine as the boy enters, caring a shoulder bag filled with leaflets.  


Boy: Excuse me!

Owner: Yes, please!

Boy: There is an open–air slaughter on the square next Friday and I. . .

Owner: Me like slaughter! Love it! (Pause) Proceed.

Boy:  Yeah. Well. That’s.., that’s actually great. I do it with a bunch of friends. That’s truly our premiere slaughter and…

Owner:  Is it in English?

Boy: Come again!

Owner: English. Is it in English?

Boy: Is what in English?

Owner: This slaughter of yours, is it in English? ‘Cause otherwise I’ll be challenged.  

Boy: It’s a silent slaughter, sir.

Owner: Mhm, never been to a silent slaughter before, how much is a pre-sale?

Boy: It’s free pro. 

Owner: Mhm… (Pause) Interesting!

Boy: See, the thing is, we wanna slaughter as many people as we possibly can so I figured we can may be…

Owner: . . .slaughter me? (Pause) . As much as I’d love to I’m unable to attend. Friday is a busy one.

Boy: But…

Owner: My daughter on the other hand (shouting towards the kitchen) MURIEL, my daughter has no plans, I believe. I always thought she was born for this. She has it inside her, you know.

Boy: Look sir, that’s great, but (otherworldly overweight girl walks out the kitchen)... fuck me she has it inside her. What is it, a lamb that’s inside her?

Owner: Told ya!

Boy: Holy molly!

Owner: Told ya, didn’t  I?

Boy: Yes. You. Did!

Owner: Take a look at these flakes.

Boy: Speechless

Owner: Isn’t that an inviting piece of bacon. How about you take a knife, huh?  Slice that big, fat throat, rip the shit outta her insides.

Boy: How about that?

Owner: You wanna give it a try?

Boy: You mean. . .

Owner: Yes!

Boy: What? Like right now?

Owner: Be my guest.

 Boy: I’m afraid free-style slaughtering is not exactly my area of expertise.

Owner: Mark my word, kid. I won’t be judgmental.

Boy: Say no more! (Pulls out two gigantic machetes from under his coat, starts slaughtering the girl)

Owner: (Impressed) Nice one brother,… that’s what I call a blood bath (boy baths with a blood soaking sponge)… she’s loving it, look at her, look at her face,… ops, face is gone… how about a nice ending ,… come on,… chop – chop,… a-a-and a curtain(covers the body). Perfect timing! Perfect timing, you promising young man!

Boy: Thank you.

Owner: Spectacular, spectacular.

Boy: You think so?

Owner: What an outstanding…

Boy: Thank you.

Owner:  …breathtaking slaughter!

Boy: Thank you.

Owner: Seriously, where did you get those moves?

Boy: They came to me naturally.

Owner: What do you mean?

Boy: Well, daddy was a butcher, you see, mother was a swine so…

Owner: It was the surroundings.

Boy: Indeed, he caught her in her sleep with a circular saw.

Owner: Classy!

Boy: My father was all about classy.

Owner: You are a lucky guy, my friend.

Boy: Blessed. However ,(Pause) nothing comes without an effort.

Owner: Of course.  Should’ve been years and years of training.

Boy: You can say that again. I had like seven sisters.

Owner: All…

Boy: …pigs like their mother.  Every single one of ‘em.

Owner: Seven benevolent elephants to master your skill on.

Boy: Wait. I think I have a photo somewhere.

Owner: Oh, don’t bother.

Boy: There it is. You see the one with a lemon in her mouth?

Owner: Yeap.

Boy: That’s my kid sister.

Owner: She looks terrific in that plate.

Boy: Delicious, isn’t she?

Owner: No doubt

Boy: OK. (Puts the photo back into his pocket) Well, anyways, as I said, premier is next Friday so I wondered we could may be leave some flyers by…

Owner: FUCK NO! What are you talking about, leaving flyers in my bar, motherfucker, ‘you crazy? Bitch!

 Boy: ‘You kidding me? I just wanna leave e few brochures by you, no big deal.

Owner: No big deal? You come in here with that sweet slaughter talk, having a chit-chat with me, getting under my skin. You act like a friend, butcher my daughter and shit. All of a sudden you try spamming the place behind my back!

Boy: What do you mean behind your back, I asked you straight away.

Owner: You’re fired!

Boy: I don’t work for you.

Owner: Then you’re hired.

Boy: What?

Owner: It’s God’s rock!

Boy: This doesn’t even make sense.

Owner: Listen you juvenile delinquent, you either leave my bar this instant or I’m calling the authorities!

Boy: How did you call me?

Owner: Yes. (Pause) AUTHORITIES.

Boy: You calling me authorities, you know who you ‘talkin’ to, my friend?

Owner: Was that a line from a movie scene?

Boy: Don’t change the subject!

Owner: It was a line from a movie scene, wasn’t it?

Boy: Stop this!

Owner: Was that from “Hotshots”?

Boy: Just answer the question!

Owner: What question?


Owner: It’s you, I’m talking to you.

Boy: Well, I’m known. (Pause)Every single corner store in that city, forget about it, I’m known all over the fuckin’ world.

Owner: You are? (Pause) Really?

Boy: Shut up! (Pause) What are you doing, walking out on me?

Owner: I’m not walking out on you.

Boy: I said shut up!

Owner: Seriously, It’s my bar, where am I gonna go?

Boy: You don’t walk out on me. I walk out on you. 

Owner: (Pause)OK (Pause) You’ re not walking. Is it “Mean Streets”?

Boy: What?

Owner: It’s “Mean Streets,” isn’t it? The movie scene, you’re doing.

Boy: Enough with the damn movie scene

Owner: “A Fish called Wanda”

Boy: No.

Owner: “The Beatles”

Boy: That’s not a movie.

Owner: There is a movie

Boy: It’s called “A hard day’s night”

Owner: No, It’s called “The Beatles: From Liverpool to San Francisco”

Boy: That’s a documentary

Owner: Does it matter?

Boy: YES, it does matter,  NO, it’s not “The Beatles: From Liverpool to San Francisco”

Owner: Was it “Donnie Brasco?”

Boy: Huh?

Owner: It is, it is “Donnie Brasco.”

Boy: May be.

Owner: God, you suck as an actor. Stick to slaughtering.


© Copyright 2016 Georgi Daverov. All rights reserved.

Spam Sketch Spam Sketch

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor



Status: Finished

Genre: Humor



Let that be referred to all who find spamming annoying. You are not alone.
Share :

Booksie Popular Content

Genres & Types

Add picture

Paste the link to picture in the entry below:

— or —

Drag a picture from your file manager into this box,
or click to select.

Add video

Paste the link to Youtube video in the following entry:

Existing Comments:
Bad selection

Cannot annotate a non-flat selection. Make sure your selection starts and ends within the same node.

(example of bad selection): This is bold text and this is normal text.
(example of good selection): This is bold text and this is normal text.
Bad selection

An annotation cannot contain another annotation.

Really delete this comment?
Really delete this comment?

There was an error uploading your file.