Self Loathing Lament

I wonder why I keep on trying, when I keep getting further behind and no closer ahead.

Just feels like iv been fooling myself with my false progress instead.

Maybe I’ll just make it easy, maybe just play dead…disappear for a while.

Why get up when I can roll over, get buried in my bed and dream of life with less complications and stipulations. Where nothing is ever an awkward situation, there are no people to tip toe around forcing me to divert my eyes towards the ground. I savor the moments I can look perfectly straight at all the world and viewing the beauty with those who can relate to me. Skipping all the aggravations, passive aggressive just isn’t me. I have already lived life feeling unsure and full of insecurity.

Lately I am challenged with temptations, my loved ones trying to guilt me back to that life of uncertainty.

I cannot grow with guilt on my shoulders, I try to fly but I am trapped by boulders.

Negativity is weight and man it can hold you down

Sometimes we stick ourselves in the ground One of my downfalls I feel the need to fix the ones with sadness,ill try to fix then all its madness. I cannot help when I can’t fly; it’s time perhaps i put them on stand-by.

The weight will dissolve then i can say, “Goodbye.”

and Staying tied to this weighted home, just makes me want to stay alone and pick myself apart down to the bone.

Plagued with the idea I cannot shake, that when I leave this house my weakness will be identified and I’ll be exposed

So I turn to stone and keep that bedroom door closed…

Locked, bolted, sealed from within, Progress cannot be made when everything’s held in, my feelings, anger, opinions and my braver side. I keep them isolated, locked up tight so no one can discover my lack of pride.

When I can finally get past those problems, my troubles, worries and fears of outside; perhaps ill stand tall but for now I am still in that room where I don’t have to feel anything at all.

I keep thinking there is a rescue through friends and past choices

Then I review this, “rescue” and I block out all the voices,

I already know what needs to be done; It’s time to stop trying to save everyone. It depletes more energy than a marathon run.

No matter the season, the day or position of the sun, the look on my face can only be described as solemn.

But where is it noted? That bright eyes and smiles must always be emoted?

Who is to say a slight frown needs to be encoded?

Or a face that appears seemingly distraught in fact isn’t sad, angry or mad but simply a mind deep in thought?

Time to decide…Hide? Choose to waist this life of mine?

Whatever monster said, “life is easy!” Needs to be informed that we all know he lied!

But life is like a ride with its sharp turns, surprises and speed. However, this ride comes with crisis, fear and a constant need that changes upon the path of the life that we’ll lead.

However the popular choice we tend to make is to take it for granted and go through life only half awake.

That way is simple, a piece of cake, but what is there to celebrate when a life is lead asleep by choice when life can be whatever we make.

Sadly I can relate

But I try to stay straight, live life like a match and strive for the checkmate.

Ill take it day by day and never forget I lived that way. Almost threw my life away.

Ill keep it far behind, forever in my rearview and head towards that better state of mind. I know that path isn’t simple to find. Even if things sit unclear inside my head and in constant debate, positivity will resuscitate. The path ahead will hold a promise of a chance to change my fate.

Life is a gift that we cannot return

When it seems not worth living, open your mind to learn

That everyone takes a bad turn, even if you crash and burn

Just remember a point when something amazing made your eyes bright and wide

It will help to remind you, that you belong on this ride.