A Purpose

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
It's a very sad story, but will make you "believe" after reading it! It's an short story for my english class. (:

Submitted: March 01, 2012

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Submitted: March 01, 2012

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A Purpose

 

Happy, I was once happy. The time when you and I were together, the time when thinking about you would make me smile. All these days, all gone, washed away by the rain and all drowned in my memories. I thought I’d get over it, get over you. How I wish I could be stronger, how I wish I never met you.

 

What a cliche, being in love with the captain of the football team. He’s so dreamy, his dark brown eyes makes me float on a cloud every time I think about it. Perfect, is the best description I could give. We spoke once at a party, and until today, we talk everyday. Somehow he opens up to me, tells me everything on his mind and the way he feels. What makes him smile, what makes him cry, every part of him is crystal clear to me. According to his friends, he never tells anyone anything, but with me it’s different. I’m an exception, someone special. I let my guards down with him too, telling him what’s on my mind and the events that bothered me. I use to keep my walls up with every person that I met, but they fall the moment is see his smile. The way he tries to tell me that everything will be fine and that I worry too much, makes me feel important. I’m not afraid to say that I love him. He gives me a purpose to life, a purpose to live. Seeing him and hearing his voice makes me so happy. He’s my one and only.

 

The moon was shining onto the rocks placed in the garden, the flowers were slowly dancing as the wind blew through them, the sound of the wind whispering onto my window pane, everything was perfect. There he was walking down the street, his shadow following the neighboring houses as he made his way through my doorstep. I tried not to race down the stairs, but the excitement was growing in me. As I opened the front door, my heart raced in my chest, pumped so fast as if it was going to jump out. There he was right in front of me, with his dark brown hair shining under the moonlight. The stars were bright as little diamonds in the sky, the smell of the cold breeze passing between him and I, everything was perfect. He texted that we needed to talk and he would come over in a couple of minutes. Him and I, standing here, no one knew who should talk first, or what to say first. I realized that his expression did not seem happy, he looked upset. He was more than upset, something was eating him inside, but he did not know how to express it. Finally, he was the first to talk… How I wish you never did. My whole fairytale drowned with the sound of the first drop of water falling on the ground. The smile on my face dropped as everything became grey and the perfect picture of us together was washed away by this heavy rain. Words can be so hurtful, simple words, just words. As you ran off into the rain, I crumpled onto the doorway, resting my head against the hard wood door. The cold wind blowing through my long dark hair, the sound of every drop of water onto my window pane, was like every bit of my heart falling on my old doorway.

 

“Love” is an illusion, nothing more than a simple word. We all wish to have the happy ending from all those fairytales, it’s a story, a myth, a legend. They say I’m too young to know, I’m 15 years old… I might not fully know what being “in love” is, but I sure know what being heart broken feels like. I can say that I’m not pretty, I’m not tall, and I’m not slim either, the complete opposite of a model. So why would a guy of his stature be interested in me? My heart stops every time he walks by me, the history we have, the moments we shared, for him, it’s nothing. The pain I feel, every time I think of the fact that he does not see me the same way as I see him, it’s unbearable. I disappeared from his memories in a second, everything was erased. For me, he’s still there, stuck in my mind and he won’t go away. He’s like a tattoo printed on my heart, it can’t be erased. Everyday I see him walking the hallways and he doesn’t notice me. I’m just a shadow, a ghost from his memories. I see him laughing and I try to fake a smile. How I wish I could tell him: “Behind my smile, there’s a hurting heart. Behind my laugh, I’m falling apart. Look at me closely and you’ll see the girl I am isn’t me.” Why did I let myself believe he was any different. How can I even think about being with him. I try not to care, not to think about anything. How I wish it was that easy. 

 

I never want to feel this way ever again. I do not want to feel my heart sink in my stomach and the tears rolling down my cheeks. Looking at my friends, with their boyfriends, being happier than ever, kills me inside. It hurts too much and the pain is unbearable, never in my life will I let myself feel this way again. The best solution for me is to have no feelings, I’m as feelingless as a robot. “Love”, is a word, just a four letter word that is part of all dictionaries. With a definition that was probably written by a someone that never got hurt. Never will I get close enough to someone for them to hurt me, I don’t feel anything emotionally. I will block all my feelings and before it gets too far, I will pull away. This is my nature, to have no feelings. I took everything that reminded me of love away from my room. Everything pink or red is lying on the ground in front of my house, so are all romantic movies that once rested on my shelves. It is quite hard not to think about “love”, but every time I do, I smoke. Smoking is my punishment for thinking about anything related to “love”. Whether I think about him or a romantic movie, I smoke.

 

It’s been four months, since I’ve started to smoke. Hard to stop these days, but it is my punishment for being pathetic and thinking about “love”. My friends don’t know how to act around me anymore, except Rose. She’s been with me from the beginning and even though she tries to stop me, she understands she can’t do anything. Four months, it’s been a long time and somehow I still feel the pain. It is hard, faking a smile everyday. I’m lost, I’m confused. I can’t remember the time when I truly smiled. Everyday is harder to live and the pain grows in me. I sink under this world more and more as I live. Trying not to cry and every time I see him, all the feelings I’ve ever felt comes rushing through me. Tears want to come out, but I don’t let them. The more I resist, the better it is for me. On top of smoking, I’ve become really close to my scissors and knives. They calm me down, they take this moment of stress or panic away. The more I think about him, the more cuts appear on my arms and hips. It’s also some kind of punishment. I can’t remember the time when I was happy, the time when everything mattered, but not that much. How did everything fall apart so easily? After him, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and not feel like a failure. I take a glance at myself in the mirror and I feel ridiculous, I feel sad and incredibly pathetic. I look in my closet, next to my mirror, and here are the rest of the Valentine’s Day decoration that I hid from myself. Memories of gifts and smiles from the first Valentine Card I ever got, the first teddy bear I received. I was young and naive, how I wish I could go back to those days. My life is empty, there’s no purpose to it. Why am I here, when I don’t have anything left. I use to know what I wanted, use to know where to go and where my life was headed, now everything is blank. What I want doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t seem to remember how to survive in this world. Smiling became a simple action, not a feeling. What is being happy? What do I have to do to be happy? Avoiding feelings is the only way to prevent myself from being heart broken. Blocking them, hiding them, lying to myself. My arms and hips hurt so much from all these cuts, they seem teared apart by some kind of animal. My lungs must be black as night by now. The worst is my heart, I don’t even know if I still have one. It might have just vanished, when it broke apart a couple of months ago. I can’t be happy, even being with my friends and family can’t bring me joy. What is the purpose of my life? Nothing makes me happy, I feel numb. I’m broken and empty. I’m done trying to deal with this. I’m done feeling forever. I hope this world goes well without me…

 

I found her lying on the bathroom floor, this morning at 11am. She wasn’t at school and I was worried she might have done something to herself. My poor Emma, she couldn’t take it anymore. That stupid Sebastian couldn’t even see how hurt she was, of course he’s a boy and boys are stupid. I walked around the bedroom, looking at the pictures she had of us. The grey walls gave me a feeling of depression, everything was so dark. The poster she made written “Rose and Emma Forever” meant more than anything today. I remembered the time when she and I promised we would never let go of each other. All the times we spent laughing watching romantic comedies, crying over The Notebook, it seemed like ages ago. Next to her mirror was her closet, inside there was a box, a box of hearts, cards, teddy bears and Valentine’s Day decorations. Oh, Emma, I knew you still believed. I should’ve helped her, tried harder instead of letting her smoke, and cut herself. I thought it was just a phase, something most teenagers go through as they say in magazines. I let it go too far. “Not feeling anything” as she says was obviously a lie. Sebastian started her depression, made her heart break in pieces as he led her on. Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple, he’s part of it, but he isn’t the cause of her suicide. Her life seemed pointless, she couldn’t find the way to be happy anymore. She didn’t have a purpose anymore. Her life was empty. I could see it, but instead of comforting her, I gave her space, too much space. How I wish she was still here, so could hold her tight in my arms. Tell her that feelings can’t be pushed away, she just has to grow from it and she did have a purpose to life, she had to stay alive for me. She was my one and only, my best friend, the sister that I never had. I wondered a little more around her room as tears rushed through my eyes. I looked at the back of her door, the phrase: “I know where my heart is, but my head is in the cloud.” was painted in black. It then hit me that I was going to do something about this.

 

“How many of you have cried over a boy or a girl breaking your heart?” She noticed around 50 students raising their hands. Until today, many teenagers struggle with heartbreaks and finding a purpose to life. This is why the organization Give It A Chance was created. Every year, on the week of March 14th, schools will organize an event. Teenagers from all over the world can participate. You can write quotes, stories, and experiences from heartbreak on a piece of paper and stick it on a wall or window, anonymously. Volunteers will be handing wristbands saying: “Feelings” on them, at the beginning of each day. You can also purchase t-shirts written: “I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, but life goes on.” As for finding a purpose to life, schools can organize a concert and let you sing freely. Whether you sing about love, life or friendship, it doesn’t matter. The point is for you to be able to say what’s on your mind. Everyone of you is required to write a letter on the purpose of your life. From one sentence to two pages, everything is accepted. For the ones that don’t know, can simply write “I don’t know”. Then there will be a prize of 500$ for the best paper, judging from all schools that participated. I once had a friend, that committed suicide, she couldn’t find a purpose to her life anymore after a terrifying heartbreak. She pretended like she couldn’t feel anymore, like she was some kind of robot. She couldn’t take it anymore. This is why this organization was created, to help you teenagers go through life. Let you know that you’re not alone and it’s normal to feel lost sometimes, you just have to try and find a way to get back on track. Don’t lie to yourself, and try to overcome the pain. Even though it hurts, but from every heartbreak, we always learn something. Trying to block your feelings is lying to yourself, pushing people away will hurt you even more. My friend painted on her door: “I know where my heart is, but my head is in the clouds.” Which means that she knew she couldn’t hide her feelings, she was just trying to ignore them. You can’t block them forever, they will always come back somehow. Remember that with every problem there’s a solution, look at the bright side. Always think positive. I’m Rosalie Crosby, and I’m proud to say that I’m the head of this organization. Life is hard, take it as a challenge and live for the moment.” said Rose, nine years after Emma’s death.


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