Suburban Survivalist

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Written for a comedy sketch group--exactly the spoof that it sounds like; no offense to Australians intended.

Requires 4 actors--Aussie Bear, Uncredited Intern, Punk, and Neighbor, Nerf gun, pocket knife handle and pretzel, keys, house, car, empty fridge, medicine cabinet, container labeled Industrial Strength Lye.

Optionally cornstarch and red food dye

Submitted: September 05, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 05, 2012



In the car "driving" into subdivision

Aussie Bear: Hey kids! It's your favorite survivalist, Aussie Bear! Today, we'll be studying SUBURBAN SURVIVAL!

In driveway, car parked within visible distance

AB: The first thing to remember is attitude! With the right attitude, you can survive ANYTHING!

Uncredited Intern: Uh, boss, there's some punk looking at the car.

AB: Get my gun.

UI: Yes, sir!

AB: Hey ya little punk, get away from my car!

AB: Now, see kids, he didn't have the right ATTITUDE.

UI: Nice shot, sir!

AB: Heh-heh, yeah. We should celebrate which brings me to the next point of survival--FIRE. With fire, we can purify water, heat food, and keep warm. That's why you should always carry around your trusted lighter (pocket knife handle). Cheers!

["Lights up" pretzel cigar, begins to cough and choke, signals to end scene]

Standing over punk's body

UI: Um, yeah, he's dead. I guess those were the real bullets, not the tranquilizing darts.

AB: Not to worry--in the wild, you need to learn to make the best of every situation. See these (dead guy's keys), kids? They're called "keys." Natives of the suburbs traditionally carry them around to open up their dwelling places called "houses" which brings us to the topic of SHELTER. Suburban sunlight is brutal, so we should make like the natives and try to spend as much time as possible indoors.

In the doorway dragging the body

AB: Quit standing there and get his legs!

UI: On it, sir!

Neighbor: Hey, what are you guys doing?

AB: Look, kids! Here's a chance to work on our SIGNALLING. Suburban natives can be very close-minded, so you have to watch how you attempt to communic--

N: Oh my gods! Is that Joe?! I'm calling the co--

AB: Get my gun.

UI: Nice shot, sir!

AB: See kids, we can't have the natives sending the wrong signals either. Better go get that one too.

In the kitchen with bodies on the floor

AB: Now kids, after all that exertion, you'll probably be hungry which brings us to our next point of survival--FOOD AND WATER. In the suburbs, the natives keep their provisions in magic containers known as "refrigerators."

UI: Um, sir, the fridge is empty.

AB: What?! I'm starving over here. Hmph, you're right, but not to worry! In the wild, you learn to make the best of every situation.

[Approach the bodies]

In the bathroom with bodies in the tub

UI: What am I looking for again, sir?

AB: Concentrated sodium hydroxide. Hey, kids! Now it's time to learn about FIRST AID. If you're ever hurt in the suburbs, check for medical supplies in the natives' "bathrooms." But remember--if the door's closed, always knock. You never know what you might find.

UI: Found it!

In the bathroom with an empty tub

AB: [flushes the toilet] Fantastic. Well kids, that's all we have for you today about the suburbs. Join me again next time for another exiciting episode of Survival with Aussie Bear!

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