Wolves Against Pants, Scene I: Dysfunctional Intellectuals

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A group of intelligent if easily side-tracked college students get together for a study group that descends into chaos.

Submitted: September 11, 2012

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Submitted: September 11, 2012




Setting: An appartment on the second floor of a building, home to Ula, Canagan, and Lowell, college students. Lowell and Canagan are not in the appartment at the moment, but Canagan's brother, Cadfan, is sitting in the common area making perfunctory and awkward conversation with Ula whom he met only minutes ago.


There is a knock at the door, and Ula goes to answer it; then, there is a sound of complaint and another knock before she opens the door to reveal Daciana, Rollo, and their respective studying paraphenalia.


Ula: Where's Horus?


Daciana [dryly]: Not here, obviously.


Ula: Rollo! I'm surprised that you abandoned that post of yours to favor us with an appearance.


Rollo: I know--I should be there. None of the other tutors have the slightest idea as how to handle my traffic, but Vasco won't allow either of us to work there if we fail Professor A's.


Ula: Right, well, Lowell and Canagan are--


Dacina [dryly--always dryly]: Obviously.


Ula: ...surrepetitiously burying the goldfish in a location to remain undisclosed.


Rollo: What?! How did Wanda die?


Ula: She fell victim to the indiscriminate banditry of Time.


Rollo: Oh, gods. You should have let me handle it! [storms past her into the common area]


Daciana: They're burying him beneath Swan's roses.


Ula: Tha--


Daciana: Doubtlessly. [moves past her into the common area]


In the common area...


Cadfan [rising from his seat to greet Rollo]: Ah! Good evening, I don't believe that we've made acquaintanceship. I'm Cadfan, Canagan's brother--


Daciana [joining them]: Obviously.


Rollo: Allow me to make the obligatory introductions. My name is Rollo, and this is Daciana, kin to Ula. [Ula joins them] And this is Ula, roomate of your brother Canagan and their compatriot Lowell--convention be damned.


Cadfan: I met Ula earlier this evening, but thanks anyway for the generous introduction. It's a pleasure to meet you both.


Daciana: How could it be otherwise?


Ula: As soon as Lowell and Canagan return, we'll be at liberty to commence. Alita bestows her blessings on our endeavors--she informed me via text that she's presently detained but will attempt a later appearance. 


Daciana: She's of a certainty squandering her time with that man of hers.


Rollo: Do you really suppose that that's the case? Why couldn't she have let me handle it? But, no! Instead, Alita's in all likelihood--


Lowell [his conversation can be heard in the hallway]: Perhaps, but where would that leave a delphinian parliament? Sharks may have an easier time at propagating fear, but I'm hesitant to dismiss the cunning of the dolphin quite so readily. [Walking in through the door] What if they were instead to dissemble to the effect that the sharks of their own volition choose the lesser of the locations for the construction--


Canagan [following after Lowell]: Ula! A travesty! A travesty! Decry it with me! [he and Lowell join the group in the common area] The world must know of this offense!


Ula: Dare I fan the flames threatening to consume us all?


Daciana: Swan apprehended you during the burial.


Lowell: I'm not sure that I would call it an "apprehension" per se. What does it mean to be apprehended? Apprehended as derived from apprendre as derived from prendre meaning "to take"--were we truly "taken," or--


Rollo: Why didn't you let me handle it? Honestly, you two--


Canagan: It was unadulterated discrimination! Swan is a species-ist!


Daciana: As though that weren't expected.


Canagan: She would deny Wanda a final communion with Mother Earth even in her eternal repose! What person has the hubris to--[looks at Cadfan] Why do you stare at me so?


Cadfan: Sorry, brother--it's the dress. I've not yet cemented this new image of you in my mind, so it's proving a tad, ah, distracting.


Canagan: I am raising awareness of the objectification of women in today's society--it's SUPPOSED to be distracting!


Rollo: Well, if it interferes with the focus of the study group, perhaps you should let me handle it.


Lowell: Ah, but what is it that we truly wish to study here? Might not distraction in itself afford ample opportunity to make observances of--


Daciana: Obviously.


Ula: Not that the idea of two men of this company in drag doesn't have its appeal, but now that we're all present, perhaps we should begin?


Rollo: You needn't have made the interference, Ula. I was about to have taken care of the situation myself.


Daciana: I'm sure.


Canagan: All present? Where's Horus?


Cadfan: Last I heard, he was due to an hour-long session of reprimand at the hands of--


Daciana: Professor H, of course.


Lowell: Yet, might it not be the case that we summon his spirit, his very essence, into our company by the mere mention of his name? I see him, even now, in my mind's--


Rollo: Alita should be coming, though. I say "should" because, as I'm not in charge of her transportation, I've really no way of guaranteeing that--


Canagan: Alita! Ula! How could you invite une victime de la mode to our collective abode?! That hyper-critical Philistine who is--


Cadfan: Canagan, that's really no way to allude to a woman--


Canagan: Et tu, Brutus?! My own kin!


Daciana: No, really?


Canagan: Women are entitled to equality! I will trash-talk any woman with as much vitriol as I would render to a man, you uniformed, anachronistic--


Ula: Friends, Romans--


Rollo: Allow me: Will those who wish to study take a seat, and those who harbor contrary wishes kindly excuse themselves and leave the premises regardless of whether or not they pay the rent for said premises? As one will observe, our tacit agreement to study together predates the financial particulars having indirect involvement in the matter, and, thus, a claim of ownership is not sufficient to merit protest. Furthermore--


Daciana: Oh, do continue. My time has never been so well spent.


Lowell: What a curious expression, "to spend time." Does it imply that we as originators of the phrase feel that time is somehow a unit by which we might quantify the worth of other objects? If so, by what standard are these objects worthy of being judged by time?


Canagan: What a deplorably capitalist notion! Take your decadent, depression-inducing western ideals to the other side of the room you close-minded--[Alita walks in]


Alita: Oh, gods--a roomful of dysfunctional intellectuals.

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