Wolves Against Pants, Scene IV: Omniscience and Omnipotence

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A group of intelligent if easily side-tracked college students get together for a study group that descends into chaos.

Submitted: September 11, 2012

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Submitted: September 11, 2012




Setting: Daciana and Rollo are in the stairwell of the appartment; it's a narrow space that will open into a pet shop for the flashback.


Daciana: It's Horus. [She retrieves her phone from her purse. It begins to ring, and she answers]: The tutoring center has descended into utter chaos in our absence.


Rollo: What?! We have to return immed--


Daciana: Obviously, but we're about to be detained by an irate--[Swan marches up the stairwell]


Swan: Daciana, aren't we looking bullimic this evening! Rollo, who's failed to live up to your standards to--


Rollo [He points at the plastic baggy in her hand]: Good gods, woman, that isn't--


Daciana: How charmingly dense of you.


Swan: Those fool friends of yours buried some fish--


Rollo: Wanda! Her NAME is Wanda!


Swan: Calm down, you little neurotic--


Daciana: A futile effort, Swan. He's already--


Rollo: O Wanda of the saccharine eyes--I remember the day of your acquisition as though it were--


Daciana: Six months, two weeks, and four days--[the pet shop's interior alights]


Canagan [storming into the store]: Out of my way, plebians!


Lowell [entering]: What exactly is the purpose of a pet--these creatures who run the courses of their lives with such rapidity? Do we as the audience to their mortality--


Canagan: You there! [He marches up to the cashier] Purveyor of commodities of unequivocal vitality! How dare you! How DARE you! It is unconscionable to keep the scions of nature in such cramped quarters!


Cashier: Hey, man, I'm just the cashier!


Rollo: Now that I think of it, they really should've allowed me to--


Daciana: Obviously.


Swan: Wait, how can you remember something you never--


Ula [entering out of breath]: I do apologize for my tardiness--I left Horus' gift card in the app--


Lowell: What does it suggest about your character that such a critical piece of this operation so slipped from your mind? Could it be an enrichment of that aura of humanity you generate merely by assuming the form of a --


Canagan: Ula! Join me in outrage, vassals! At THIS man!


Cashier [to Ula with strained breath]: Help. Me.


Customer [to Lowell]: Hey, babe. Did it hurt?


Lowell: Is it of my past to which you refer? How curious it is that memories can have such an effect on one as to stimulate emotion of overwhelming proportion, for what are memories? Perhaps they are worlds unto themselves, these intangible scenes haunting the mind which itself may impose distortion upon said--


Swan: Wait, did that man just hit on--


Daciana: Tis the acme of naivete to expect Swan to keep up with the tale, Rollo.


Rollo: Very well, then I'll provide commentary. That should suff--


Customer: He addresses Lowell with a laugh of equal parts bemusement and nonchalance: Haha, you're pretty fun--


Canagan: Undesirious of being upstaged by the handsome young upstart misconstruing Lowell's effeminate features and grace for feminine features and grace, he cries: Will someone kindly exile this execrable excuse for an entity from this establishment before his empty expressed excretions enact the extinction of my ears?! Gods, man! Know you not how to woo a woman?


Ula: With her roommates thus occupied, she takes the opporunity to address the cashier: We've interest in purchasing a--


Lowell: As per usual, he is entirely oblivious to his situation which is not so infrequent as his response might lead one to believe. Thus, he remarks after his quotidian manner: How is it that such meagre dialog has an effect so marked upon you, friend Canagan? Could it be that--


Canagan: Responding with undue ire for falsely perceiving hostile intent behind the inquiries, he demands: What are you insinuating you garrulous, wind-chasing--


Customer: Under the erroneous assumption that Lowell is--


Daciana: Obviously.


Swan: That Lowell is wha--


Customer: He turns on Canagan and proceeds to defend the object of his interest: Hey, man, what's your problem? Don't tell me that you're one of those--


Ula: As her roommates are now entrenched in their particular enterprises, she importunes the cashier once more: We've interest in purchasing a--


Canagan: More enflamed than ever, he screams: You dare impugn my social sensitivities you boorish and illiterate--


Customer: Unbeknownst to Canagan, this man's inability to read and write proficiently has been a great source of angst to him. Before our friend can deliver the entirety of his imprecation, he connects his fist with Canagan's person quite forcefully. [He punches Canagan]: Take that you bloody elitist!


Daciana: That's inaccurate.


Rollo: Yes, but if I say that a thing occurs, then it--


Daciana: Naturally. I spoke for the benefit of Swan, of course.


Swan: Hold on! Are you implying that other parts of this memory are--


Daciana: How cute, she appears to be--


Swan: Shut UP, harpy! Rollo, what kind of narrator are you? How much of this was even true?


Rollo: Now, now, Landlady Swan, don't trouble yourself over the nonexistant issue of veracity.


Swan: "Nonexistant"?


Daciana: Very good, Swan. That's known as tautolog--


Rollo: Allow me to explain--I am omnipotent.


Swan: You mean as a narrator?


Rollo: There is nothing impossible for me; ergo, when I say that an event occurred, then it has, verbatim, and becomes truth to you. Whether or not our respective truths entirely coincide is a matter unfit for contentious cavil as both are flawed facsimiles of a truth with which neither of us--


Swan: What does that even--


Daciana: Haven't you a defunct ichthys with which to beleaguer a tenant?


Swan: Canagan! [Storms past them, muttering with renewed fury]: I'm going to wring his perfumed--


Rollo: She really ought to have--


Daciana: Naturally.

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