Everything was so beautiful in love. But we weren't lucky as the other couples in the world. People think that love is a soothing word. Wrong. It's out of firery passion and doing anything for the person you love. When in love everything either becomes illogical or logical. It solely depends on the trust you have with each other. So tell me, how can people fall in love without seeing each other? Without even meeting them? Is that even possible?
II am a great fan of reading, and there was this site that gives the ability to discuss the things we read. Due to privacy reasons i'm not going to state the name of that site. And from that site i met him. All i knew about him was this at first, that he loves metal, songs with great hatred, he suffered from depression and literally hated the world. I was more interested on his opinion about women. He hated women with "skimpy" outfits, piercings and women who were fake feminists, he said that girls wants guys that cannot be easily taken, and that women who shows their nakedness expects men to be seductive 24 hours a day. To be honest even thought i'm a woman, i agreed with many of the things he said. i grew interested in him and needed more information on him. I found out that with same username he was on different sites. he had many friends, but he didn't like them because not many of them talked with him. Even on the book reading site, he once had removed all the friends, and then sent him small messages saying "Sorry i removed you from my friend list, if you want me back just send me a message" I was surprised to read this, was this man that lonely? Well some of them accepted his appeals and talked with him. I didn't realize i was getting infatuated with him while i researched about him.
I finally got him on messenger, as i expected he wasn't very talkative at first, and as most men he appeared to be a pervert. A pervert as in a pro with dirty jokes, i considered that normal i mean we were discussing stuff in books and everything. He asked me whether i am uncomfortable with all the dirty talk, i said no. We discussed our interests, and as me he watched horror movies, listened to hip-hop and there were many things.
Our pasts are so alike. Well compared to me his past was an utter hell, his home taken away from him when he was little, his father left him when he was born and he and his family were under a financial crisis.
He despised the state of the society in general and hated women a lot. I am a feminist myself but i had to agree on some of the stuff, mostly because it didn't happen in my country. And it came to the point where he told me that he was cheated on three times.
Most of the girls just leeched money off him, another whom he chatted over the net, invited him to come to London which he actually did, but the girl originally had a boyfriend and had cheated on him. It was really emotional listening to his stories, i pitied him, i cared for him, I adored him but i only wanted to be friends with him. I basically looked up to him as he was 3 years older than me. We tend to share more and more darker and deeper secrets which we promised that each of us will take to the grave. Slowly and deeply i was being obsessed with him, i didn't know. But i always waited for him to pop up in the messenger, and i think he knew this too. On November 20th we first chatted with anticipation i guess. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, but it’s impossible to control your emotions when he is totally like you, in every aspect.
Getting to know is the first phase in any relationship, it’s roughly very important to know where your thoughts are getting at, and you need to do it slowly. You might think why i am purposely trying to get involved with a person who says he is a pervert. But the thing is i never thought he was.
As a research psychologist and with many experiences that i had with many of the cases, i could tell he was mentally devastated to the point where he considers himself as a pervert when he is not. The basis is that human mind can change itself to something that never existed, when the society beats you down. And if you are someone who has gone through a lot of stuff like betrayal, abandonment and humiliation for in which you may think for no reason. It is possible that you may “give up” all together and become some artificial being that society wants you to see. In the end you will have many regrets which some may take them as lessons and move on, whilst others might keep thinking about them not going forward. In his case the society battled him down physically and mentally, he became a product of the society itself, realized his mistakes and wanted to change himself or so i thought. But boy was i wrong?
I think my fault lies in the fact that i thought big but i looked into the future, which he only thought about the present. But why i thought about the future is for both of our sakes. I wonder what he thought about, himself?, me Or his sanity?
As I mentioned earlier, we had pretty much in common, sometimes i felt dazed and dizzy. It felt like looking into a mirror, but the reflections were kind of distorted. And i was right, that distortion made us separate.
He realized that i loved him, or i liked him. I guess we were shy to confess with each other, But i knew our love would never be. One cannot take decisions such as marriage on your own. It was not meant to be a surprise, it was a clash. Me who didn’t like relationships, he who feared them. Like and Fear has no similarities. I didn’t like a relationship at the moment, he feared to get into one, feared getting hurt.. again..
At first i was just worried about his health, because due to depression he didn’t like eating and he was always drinking despite his job. He never “worked” while drinking though. He had a sad childhood, where due to financial problems. He was forced to beg for food to survive, bread and salt every day for five years, clinging onto street life, drinking, stealing mostly because he had no choice. The political situation of his country was hectic. And teens had no options except to do such things. Or maybe they did have the choice but couldn’t do them because the “majority” was doing the same thing. Or else all i can blame is the culture.
His family was also battling, his step father and his mother worked at many places to survive, his brother died at child birth. This was the first time i have seen such tragedies happening at child hood. He admitted that he himself a person who attracted bad luck, a person who walked with a dark cloud over his head. And his previous relationships made him think it more, make him regret more.
I was shown pictures of himself, when he was 19 to where he is now. I noticed in all of them, he was not smiling. I never asked why, i think i knew the answer to that question.
I asked him whether he can cry, he said he haven’t cried for 13 years. I was speechless. I also pitied him a lot, but are they fake stories? Can trolls make such depressing stories i never knew. His stories matched the research i did in his country; most of the people lead harsh lives, and such corruption. As i live in a small island, i couldn’t imagine the severity of the problems people have. It’s true that i watch horror movies, but i realized the true horror was in real life not in movies. Apparently he also said that “horror” never scares him, which i found very interesting.
But something told me now he is getting desperate to go fast, either to end the conversation or for something else.
Out of the blue, he suddenly asked for naked pictures. I was shocked, he told me that he was not into women who are like that, but i was very much infatuated with him too. I asked why, and he told me that i was very beautiful and that he would like to see me. I was alert, now things became clear, this man has to be someone who manipulate women for naked pictures? For what? money maybe. The more i tried to reject him, the more in love did i fell. It felt like Stockholm syndrome, i was captivated or trapped by this man because i respected and pitied him. That pity turned into love, which now is mixed with fear and regret.
Everything happened so fast, “love bombed” between us, i told him to hate me if he is in love with me, and he asked me if he could come and pick me up, he said that he would never ever find a girl like me, and that the girls in his country is stupid, and that they didn’t even know what’s in the bible even.
I rejected him, i said that there are prettier women in his country. And that he would be happier with one of them instead of me. I admit that i was very jealous of them. I told him that, that i might not be able to impress someone like him. Someone who has battled corruption, and is now in a good place, doing a great job. And donating to charity at the same time.
He said that he understood the pain that i felt in my life and told me that i am like him. And, that he would teach me how to cook, that he would hold my hand in bad times. And that i am the ONLY girl that he wants.
But still even though my heart is in pain, i had to reject him. My family would never approve this, they would curse if we ever be together. And god knows who this man is, he told me that he hates lying, but now everything he says seems to be a lie. And the worse thing is he threatened to leave me if he wouldn’t send me “pictures”.
He accused me saying that if i loved him, i would think about my own happiness and not about my family. But i had my reasons to say no. The disadvantages of cyber relationships was one of them. But i was also afraid, because everything was going very fast and i had no time to let alone hold my breath.
It looked like a black mail in love.
But i readily took it as a threat. I believed that he couldn’t understand me. Those who may disagree might think that sending a naked picture is no big deal, but i have to think about my security. I have seen my friends getting humiliated numerous times with such things, their tears can only be understood by a person who was facing the same situation, and i felt that situation. I had to flee.
He blamed me, for making him breaking his “rules” that he kept for avoiding women all together. He said that he would never ever trust a woman again after this, because i said “Yes” to him. But previously i had told him that i am not into such stuff. Maybe he didn’t have any choice but to ask me all this, thinking i would refuse him and leave him alone. The problem is i saw through everything he did, i noticed that he has trust issues, i knew he was in pain. I just didn’t have any evidence to believe it.
It is hard, when your first love happens like this, and ends like this, but he himself admitted that he did wrong to women when he was cheated on. He is a really nice person, who had given everything to the person he loved, and got cheated on with his best friend. Maybe asking for pictures is the only option he had to make himself trust me, as he wanted to be with one girl forever after, But i don’t know. Usually after a break up, i heard it’s healthy to be with your friends as they might take the depression away, he told me that he only had one guy friend whom he trusted, but he eventually took money from him and went away. I wanted to know more of his story, but he wouldn’t let me in. I told him, that telling a person all your problems might make you feel at peace. But he refused.
I don’t know where he is now, what he is doing, whether he is a troll, or whether he tells the truth. Some things are not meant to be found, and the internet is dangerous. Not everything on the net is true, everything can be manipulated as it’s based on a network, keep that in mind and protect yourself.
Never trust a person from the outside, but judge him from the inside.
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