If it were my money I would go and buy a huge stuffed animal to put among the pillows on my bed. Then I would save the right amount of it to pay off my college expences, so I wouldn't have to worry so much over it. My mother would never have to worry about her debt ifI just paid that off also. I'd share little amounts with friends, a little bigger amounts to family friends, and fare amounts to my family. The rest would go to people in need, and yes, I know that might sound cliche but it only sounds that way because every one knows it is the best thing to do. You know, thinking about all the possibilities makes me feel this selfless happiness of just being content with my plans if I had such money. Such money doesn't really excist for most, and if it does I wonder why everyone puts their hand out for gold but comes back with copper.
It could not matter so much if people didn't make it seem like it was worth so much. We only want money because it supposedly provides our every desire such as: happiness, safety/closure, education, fancy clean-cut things, a lover, no more lonliness,and a high status. It can only bring truehappiness if you do what you feel is right with it, and not want anything in return. You can do that already in simple gestures. I think the more simple, the more it will have a deeper meaning. Not saying cash and fancy, expensive things can't mean just that, but if it comes from your heart then it is all the same. So why do people want more money, and have such wishful thinking? It is because we are taught that you can get no where with outsome money or valued reputation.
This is where we go blind. This is the part where we find that getting the things you trully desire turns to be like looking for a single strand of blondehair in ahay sack. We were all born into the world the same way, and that way was called ground zero where everyone has nothing to hide. To say I am worthless, not beautiful, don't deserve love or happiness is stupid. Your stupidity is humanity, and your hunamity is beautiful which is why, yet again, you are ...stupid. Can you not see? Nothing has worth because nothing has a soul unless it is breathing, feeling, thinking to some extent. So if I had a million dollars I would want to do the things I mentioned before, but I dont know if I could. I would have to it with a selfless love, and trust me that would be so, so, so hard. Because when your asked the question : Are you doing this from the bottom of your heart and you feel that this is the right thing to do with the money, the paper in your posession, the meaningless thing that everyone wants and has convinced themselves of needing?
Then the vivid picture of starving children come to mind. The painful picture of sick people in need of some cure that has been promised to come....eventually...if given a dollar a day. You think of the homeless men and women that lounge on a dirty corner, and how they seem to have found true happiness when they are saturated in their drugs and not asking for your paycheck. Can you drive home and glance at that stripper bar full of cocaine whores selling their boney capsules, when really they use to be women in need of some extra cash becausethey use to say 'I'm gonna make something of my life.' There is that money again...that thought ofIF you had money....
Imagine what would happen ifI tried to change the thought. Perhaps, changing it to something of a more comforting substance like love...sweet passionate love. The love of when you hold her in your arms as she sleeps and dreams of you...no one but you. Or your pet, cat or dog, it doesn't matter, cuddled up in your lap as you flip through the channels of a cheap, affordable cable service that provides you the basics which was all that you really needed. Your apartment seems a bit spacious yet it suites you, because it represents you and makes you feel that closure...that protection that your mother had given you. The warmth of her body as she held you when you were in your beginning stages of living. Then you think about how warm your mother's bossom was, and look at that, your mind goes back to the stripper bar. A image of a sick woman in a wheel chair, a child has a hand stretched out to you because she is scared, a babies cry...moaning from up stairs...a sqweaking ...a light flickering.
God, it terrifies me, andI don't know what it isI'm so scared of. If it were my money I would have a heart attack. I would be so clueless at first of what to do, but then I would do whatI said I would do. It would be the smart chioce to take, not only for me but for my family, and my friends. And I said if there was any left over I would give it to some cause where it could be used for something good, but if I chose to use ALL the money for some cause, for something good, then it surely would make a bigger dent of difference. Sad thing is, I would be just as happy if I bought a huge stuffed animal that was a bit more cheaper. Then, that night, I would wrap my hands around it and nuzzle my entirety against it until I fell asleep. It would comfort me, since it is usaully before I go to bed that these thoughts plague me without end. Things like this unravel into unlimited questions that I am fighting my demons to know the answers to. If only I had some money for some sleeping pills...
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