You wouldn't know shit about me whether I blatantly told you or fucked it into the view of your binoculars. Remembering how your stilettos clicked on the pavement to my destruction, and the leash pulled me to follow just days ago. Your words bringing me into a harsh reality, still ringing in my head. My rigid conscience steps back, ready to catapult himself into my arms, to beat me to a bloody pulp for it too. Rather harshly he spits, “she doesn’t give one solid fuck about you kid, because she doesn’t know how and that’s all you are to her, nothing more than a worthless teenage mutt.” With that I’m set, raged in my despair of how you’ve contained me from myself.
“I hate her, acid on my tongue… I hate her,” he pauses, “I want to burden her with guilt of what she has done to you, foaming at the mouth as you tie her up and ravish what is truly yours . She needs to know what it is like to be in your shoes, helpless with no one to save her, before she walks allover you again. I hate this place with so much of myself, I hate the way you feel about her. She makes me doubt, she makes me sick, she makes me feel so much more. Now that it’s slowly churning in you it will only turn to hate, luckily not just for her but for every person that has never had to lift a goddamn finger emotionally and physically for the things they want, need. I want you to tell anyone who is anyone that they can go fuck themselves, not just with sticks and stones kid, weaknesses, like she has done to you.”
“Rack yourself through that. Do it. Might as well file yourself in her cabinet then never try again, because you know what kid”, he says, “you’re just playing the part, growing up will be the costume for the rest of your life if you let people like her order you around.” I’ve been shot, defeated, played too hard then left for dead. He’s right. Living life in which I only have myself to truly rely on, but you can counter it by saying it isn’t so bad while you bind me to your bed post.
…and this is why.
This is why I hate you, because you have the audacity to say it with complete conviction. It is you who has been raised in a perfect family, you who can take every easy road out while hiding your true self and emotions away, and you who has an unlimited supply to anything you desire. I have lied to myself and the people I care about so many times for the expanse of you. If you are sticking around because you still think there is something inside me that can save you then don’t bother, because I have given you more than you can rationalize on how to love me. You have broken my spirit, desperately trying to own me the only way you can.
I know that like a catchy phrase I will remember you always, the fowl taste of your name hanging in my tongue forever. I feel I am losing my faith, and maybe that is why it angers my conscience and scares you. You were never supposed to happen, and I’m a stupid boy for holding up to anything you coaxed me into believing when I knew having feelings for you would let you domineer me. The use of it all has left me bitter, and bold, ready to take each given fuck with a new found kind of dignity. Thank you for all this pain. Thank you.
So the next time you decide to tell me to buck up, and that I over worry or care about things, I will mentally put a bullet in your head like you have done to my heart. Never again I seethe, never fucking again will I tell you how I feel. Now it will be impersonal because you wouldn't have it any other way. If you won’t have me mentally you will have me physically. Just claim your prize, and say you are welcome.
She pauses, the tip of a giant white feather she is holding, limp, against his bare chest. Something about the way he is staring at her tonight makes her uneasy. It wasn't like him to stare through her, right into her eyes, because he was usually a shy submissive. Then, an overwhelming feeling came over her, it was from what she had said to him just days ago. She frowned, not wanting any emotion that was not lust to interfere with this moment. All she wanted was to own her obsession, master it. One thing that could be dangerous when mixed with love for the both of them. She was sure, his subconscience must have gotten to him, but her own was as well.
\"Stay,\" she said. His dark eyes glared down to the floor, his hair masking his forhead, as she sauntered to retrieve the blind fold from the wooden box. Whe she made her way to a stance before him, she lifted his head with one finger to his chin.
\"You will only hear this once. I deeply care about you. I love you. Never mention it again, do you understand me?\"
A grin that arroused the dark dust in her depths spread on his face slowly, a few tears down his cheeks. She stood still, holding herself back from touching him, but she wasn't the one bound against the wall. Before they could make eye contact, before she could see the change from his core out, the one she had yearned forever to see from anyone, she tied the blind fold around his head. It was like his flesh resumed the color of life, wildly, the most broken yet beautiful thing she had ever witnessed. His heavy breathing pulling her out, both thighs slowly trembling, begging, she had to say something now.
\"I am going to punish you severely,\" she said.
\"Thank you Mastor.\"
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