life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
something i wrote trying to express myself.

Submitted: February 28, 2016

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Submitted: February 28, 2016

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So as I sit here, trying to figure out who I am, why I’m here, what am I supposed to do.  Something in my head just keeps sticking out.  I don’t know how to explain it, I used to think I was crazy, no sane person hears voices? Right?  Well, yes and no.  I wouldn’t say that I’m completely sane because realistically, who is sane anymore?  So back to the voice, this voice I hear, I know it’s my own.  Something about it isn’t me though. This is a different feeling.  Again I am not quite sure how to describe it. I spoke to this kid one time, I explained the feeling to him... he said the feeling I am experiencing is lack of love.  As in, when I feel this way I just want someone to love me.  I of course countered saying that I have plenty of people around me that love me, he then says to me “it’s not the love of others that you’re missing, you need to love yourself.”  Right, okay so in my honest opinion at this time I kind of think to myself, I do love myself.  Right? Why am I questioning whether or not I love myself?  I’ve felt love I know what it’s like I know how to reciprocate it, I feel like love and I are best friends.  Then I sit here as I write this telling myself you just lied. You do know what love is and you have experienced it, but you lost it or you pushed it out so far you don’t even know how to get it back. So this voice has been repeating to me for a very long time that I need to love myself.  It’s as if I have a mental block.  Okay being on a real level right now, I feel like I’ve been punishing myself… I’m not letting myself experience love anymore because of what I did to the person I truly did love.  I know what most of you are probably thinking, if I really loved them why would I ever hurt them?  Why? I have no explanation as to why.  I’m not going to make any excuses for what I did because, when it comes down to it nothing makes it better.  People always would ask me why, I used to tell them I was lonely or that I was drunk. In reality though none of these was the real reason.  I wasn’t missing love in my life, I wasn’t lonely in anyway. A little back story, the girl I am talking about was living abroad in Australia.  In the beginning months long distance was really hard, but this girl, god she was so amazing.  Even on her busiest days she would make time to call, skype, text, email, I mean this girl was making sure that I knew she was constantly thinking about me. I took it all for granted, I had chased this girl for so long, and when she was with me, I felt like I was on top of the world, my job was fantastic, life was just fucking great.  I had finally won, she loved me.  When we first started dating of course I was the first to say it. (and I said it all the time to her) she wouldn’t say it back for over a year until one night, we were at my place for a party, we are all playing games having fun and shit. now by this time we are both a little tipsy, and I can’t remember who pulled who into the kitchen for a quick make out, but as we are making out I stop and say “I love you.”  She stares at me for a minute and I reassure her that she doesn’t need to say it if she’s not ready, but in that moment she looked at me and says “I love you too.”  Well holy shit I bet you know how my ass reacted to that right.  I was ecstatic, she finally said it. It was right then and there that I knew I would forever love this girl, no matter what.  Funny how life goes right. I still love her deeply, and she knows this.  After all of this great shit I had going in my life I decide to play with fire, a girl at work starts flirting with me.  At first I thought nothing of it I loved my girl and that was it.  Except, there was a curious part of me that wanted to explore “what if.” Stupid, I know. Believe me vie heard it all, “you should have broken up with her if you wanted to explore.” Blah blah blah. I know that now and I knew that then.  It was mere just I didn’t want to be without her, I knew what I was doing which haunts me every day of my life.  Everyone saw how I was acting, and they would say stop, think before you do anything. I thought I had everything handled.  The next day when I woke up it was like reality hit me, everything was so clear.  WHAT THE FUCK HAD I JUST DONE?? By the time I had asked myself this, it was beyond too late.  Now im at a new cross road, tell her and break her heart, or just break up with her.

When you reach a road like this in your life it sucks the easy way would be fine she would never know we would still be together shit would be fine, but I would know I would always know, the guilt would kill me.  I texted her asking if she would skype with me when she wakes up, which she responds “Yeah, I can do that. Is everything okay?”  is everything okay?  I couldn’t tell her I had to wait, I go to work feeling like every step I take is like my last breath, like if I tell her I might just die.  Time comes to finally talk to her. I remember her smile when we both logged on, beautiful like magic. I smile, then she asks me what I wanted to talk to her about.  Now if you have ever cheated on someone you love, you know that telling them isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but I had to tell her it was the only way.  Words were hard to find at first, like I had something stuck in my throat.  I start to tell her everything, slowly as I’m talking I see her smile fade, I’m preparing myself for the worst at this point, she starts to tear up and says to me “I need to go I have a lot to get done today, I’ll talk to you later.”  A few days go by, I’ve been trying to give her space not talking to her, letting her just idk I really just wanted her to take all the time she wanted to, finally I get a text saying she wants to talk. At this point I’m scared shitless but it was like my heart already knew what was coming I felt a spike of pain but quickly hushed it trying to convince myself that everything was going to work out. Who was I fucking kidding. We both log, when I see her eyes I see her broken, as if she’s been trying not to cry.  Without missing a beat, she says to me, “I’m breaking up with you.”  Of course I knew this was coming, but my entire life shattered around me.  I know I shattered hers I fucked her entire world up, but in doing this I destroyed my own happiness.  I knew begging wasn’t going to get her back, but I couldn’t lose her not like this, it was too surreal.  She’s crying I can see that she’s in so much pain, my heart hurts seeing her so hurt, I start to cry pleading with her telling her everything making all sorts of promises.  I knew that no matter what I said I had already lost her, as she’s crying she says her mind is made up and that she’s not going to change her mind.  We end the call both of us crying.  So I’m sitting there right I have tears on my face, I go to my roommate and I just cry, I cry until I fall asleep, and when I wake up I feel numb, I wanted to cry but I couldn’t anymore.  I was lost I mean I didn’t know how I was going to do anything without her love.  This all happened about 3 yrs. ago.  I’ve seen her since, even more beautiful than the first day I saw her. We don’t talk. I don’t blame her. Still I haven’t loved anyone like I loved her since. love is being reintroduced to me again. Not in the relationship form but in other ways.  I love my niece, and she loves me. I know its different but for me it works.  I don’t know how to love myself and that’s the honest truth.

 

 


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