Behind Closed Doors

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story is true. I hope that by letting others read it their insight into humanity may change.

Submitted: March 24, 2015

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Submitted: March 24, 2015

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Behind Closed Doors.

They say your life can change in an instant, this is so true. Somewherre right now a car has crashed someone is killed. Murder is being committed, rape, mugging, theft and deception.
My family think I am looking for excuses for what our son did. I am not and I state this clearly.
My son sexually molested his best friends little stepdaughter. He did this over a  three year period. The child was only three when he started. I hate this crime with all my heart and soul. It is depraved.
My son is weak and depraved. Yet we all know him as a kind loving person. He lived two lives. As a mother I sensed something was happening within him. I noticed the changes in his nature. He become nervous, irritable, I put this down to his fathers illness.
My husband had been ill for a few years and then it hit him bad. He could not walk for the pain, lost weight, constipated in constant pain.The doctors put it down to back pain. When I told them how worried I was about the weight loss they told me to fed him up.Then one morning I saw his leg I knew it was DVT. This saved his life as it was cancer not back pain my husband had. The specialists said there was no hope for him and send him home to die.
My husband was an atheist whilst I am very spiritual opposites attract, I asked him if I could call a lady I had heard about to pay us a visit. She is a minister in a Spiritualist Church. He agreed. This lady told my husband the hospital had made a mistake and he was not dying .I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and from that day I stopped crying and smiled for the first time in three years.
Our son gave up his studies at University to help care for his dad. We were all devastated. Then one morning whilst I was helping my husband in the toilet I noticed his urine was a weird colour and the smell was so strong. I contacted the hospital and they gave us an appointment to see a
Specialist in the eurology department. It was there they discovered the root of the cancer. Testicula. One of the reasons they could not find the root of the cancer was because it had spread and attacked so many parts of his body. My husband got treatment and his cancer was cured. Unfortunately it has left him unable to walk far and damaged his heart he has two stents in his heart and is now awaiting a hip operation.
Now you can see why I thought this brought on the changes in our son.
Peodophilia is a taboo crime but it is not a new crime. It is one that has not be addressed properly. There is a doctor in Rome who believes it is a chemical imbalance and can be treated with drugs. He is doing clinical trials just now. One of his patients a young father who started having sexual thoughts of his daughter is being treated with these drugs and it is proving successful.
There is a school of thought which I do believe in and that is is in the genetic make up. Just as homosexuality is. But it was kept hidden in the past. No one wanted to bring shame down on their family so it was hushed up. My husbands Grandfather was a peodophile. My mother in law told us what he did to her and her sisters and brothers. Because he got away with it he went on to molest his grandaughters and other children. I asked her why they never charged him she said it was hushed up because they did not want others to know. Bring shame down on them.  They believed what went on behind closed doors stayed there
Our son told us he has had these thoughts since childhood. He was to ashamed to tell us. He had no one to turn to. The internet did not help if anything it made his urges stronger.
I am not looking for excuses, my son was weak just like his grandfather and gave in to these urges. Self Control is something that has to be taught not only to Peodophiles but to us all. I watched a documentary and the man confessed to having sexual urges towards young girls but never acted on it. He was afraid to tell anyone for they would all think he was depraved.  I salute this man he is addressing his problem. He is in control of his urges.
I was molested by my friends father. He turned it into a game and gave me money not to tell. I was eight yrs old. He played hide and seek and took me into a closet took out his penis and asked me to touch it. I had never seen this and did not know any better. He touched my genitals, he never phyiscally harmed me. He gave me half a crown not to tell anyone.
Back in 1963 that was  alot of money and I spent it on sweet and comics.
I never told anyone what he did but I never went back into my friends house. I have found out in the past couple of years that he was abusing his daughters. Again it was all hushed up. We will never know how many cases there are like this,
I know a man a lovely gentle soul who was abused by his mothers boyfriend. He went on to abuse his step sisters as did the mothers boyfriend he showed him what to do to the girls.The mother knew nothing of this it all came out when the girls were older and having pyschological problems. The man I will not name lost his wife and children. When his wife found out she left him and took the children.
His mother like me stood by her son. Like all of us she hated what he did but could not abandon him. I know how she feels.
Our son was sexually molested at the age of four by a woman a neighbour. He never told us. The woman was charged with child abuse. Not to do with my son but others. I wanted to go hunt her down but my family advised against it they said I was looking for excuses.
I do not believe because one has been abused they should go on to abuse.
My heart goes out to all the children who have been abused and I pray every day for them and for the men and woman who commit such crimes.
Our son was charged with rape. We were shocked as he had told us he never phyiscally harmed the child. I was furious, and then I found out from his lawyer ne never penetrated the child with his penis but he touched her genitals with his fingers. This is classed as rape. The papers have all said rape and the first thing that comes to mind is penetration.
I am not trying to make his crime any less depraved.
People have been telling us that in prison they all get together and talk about what they did and how not to be caught. This disgusts us.I asked my son on our last visit he denied. A family member has said that they all go on to reoffend. As the urge is to great. Again this disgusts me.
I know there are reoffenders. Often these men are men who have no family or friends, no one to turn to when the feelings come on. They are weak because they do not know how to be strong. My son had a cell mate who reoffended he told my son he regretted it but he had no support his family who were ashamed of him abandoned him he had no one. Excuses perhaps but circumstances and support do help.
We have centres for addicts, alcoholics, and obese folk because these weaknesses are  being addressed by society and because folk care.
In these centres they get help to control their urges. Many addicts and alcoholics owe their lives to these centres.
I pray that one day there will be centres where peodophiles can go and talk about their urges and get help with them before they act on them.
I remember when Homosexuals were being shunned, beaten up and ridiculed. It still goes on some countries.
 I knew a boy back in 1978 who committed suicide because he was homosexual. He could not tell his parents and believed he was dirty. I befriended him and tried my best to get through to him he was normal and it was not a bad thing. He asked me to go to London with him but I could not as my dad was ill and I had my son to look after. He went to London but never found what he was looking for he took his own life.
I believe we have to teach our children from a young age to tell if anyone touches them where they should not. To let thme know it is wrong and not a game as some try to make it into to.
I have never sat in judgement over anyone. I have a forgiving nature as I place all my faith in spirit and in all the teachers throughout history that preached Love and Peace. I know there are may who see me as being weak. I do not I am strong.
It is easy to fall from Grace and walk in darkness I know for I have been there. I to tried to take my own life when I was 23yrs old because I had fallen into bad company and I was weak. Drugs, alcohol and sex where my companions. I eventually had a nervous breakdown and was committed to a mental asylum where I met my friend who was a homosexual. I met may people there with so many problems one girl self harmed herself as she had been sexually abused by her father and uncles and went on to prostitution and drugs. My heart went out to these poeple and I was made to see that my illness was self inflicted these folk were victims I was only a victim of myself. I learned so much and saw my problems were small compared to theirs.
My problems stemmed when our mother passed over. For six years she battled a brain tumor which ws not operable.Back in 1969 they did not have the medical expertise of today. They gave mum 6mths to live she lived for 6yrs. I was 14yrs old with 2 young sisters one 5yrs old and the other 7yrs old my two older sisters were working one was married.
The last year of her life she was could not walk, talk or do anything for herself. I always think she held on because of me she worried about me as I developed Grand Mal epilepsy at the age of 14.
I was shunned and called a spastic even though I knew I was clever in fact I was in the top five of our year as the cleverest and brightest pupil. I fell away from school and worked in the home helping dad. I was very religous back then and wanted to be a nun. Being brought up protestant dad was against it. My father was an atheist having served in the 2nd World War he lost his faith. My mother held onto hers.I was lucky as my dad read many books and I to discovered a world anew in books.
I wanted to be normal all the friends I had made shunned me. I had no friends, I watched as they all went out and got boyfriends and had fun. I gave myself to my 1st boyfirend and fell pregnant. Married, not for long 6mths knew it was a BIG mistake and left him to come back home to mum and dad. I know now I was looking for the wrong type of love and acceptance. When my mother past away I went off the rails. Hence my breakdown.
Ignorance is the bane of our society. My sons knew how we felt on the subject of Peodophilia as it has been in the news and so many have been exposed. Looking back on it our youngest son who committed this act never  gave an opinion on it and would not join in our discussions on it.
So what makes humans act on urges lack of Self Control.. I am a Humane being not a human being. I am not perfect and I am still working on parts of my life.
It is so easy to fall by the wayside and not so easy to get back up. I had my father to help me and show me I was loved and did not need anyones approval of me.
We gave up our home and friends when our son was accused and arrested. he got out on bail. MY husband could nopt relax he was waiting for a brick or a chap at out door and an attck on our son. We moved away I did not want to move but I did it for them.
We got 4 mths with our son before he was sentanced in this time we got to ask him why and to be honest with us. He told us he had always had these thoughts and was weak to have acted on them. He would not tell us all he had done to the child and I knew he was holding back all the truth. We only got to see all the charges a few days before his sentance as he pled guilty so there was no trial. When I read the charges I asked our son why he never told us all this. He was to ashamed and was afraid we would abandon him like all my family have done.
I was shocked at what he had made the child do and disgusted with my son.  It did say he had not physically harmed the child but that was no consolation. It felt like my wounds had opened up again and I gave into sadness shock and disgust .I would burst into tears just thinking of it.
It still hurts and I still cry as any mother would on their child who is in darkness and is lost. I have regained my strength but have lost that part of me that trusted our son. It will take many years before he will regain my trust. He is in prison serving 7yrs for his crime. We visit  when we can. I asked my son if you loved us as you say you do why hurt so many as he has done for what to harm a child lose all his family his job and friends was it worth it. He said no it was not and has promised he will never do it again. He did say for the first time in his life he felt like a whole person as he had been living two different lives.
It is easy for him to say this as he is behind bars and he has the support of his father and I. We  write to him and in my letters I have asked him to come off the path of Atheism and walk with me on a new path. I hope to open up his closed way of thinking and see there are new paths awaiting.
I pray the evil that has got inside him will be defeated with our help and the help of Spirit. We all have our own beliefs and that is fine as long as they do not harm others. I do not harm anyone I only seek to enlighten and pass messages from loved ones who have past over to their family on this earth plane.
They say out of the darkness comes light I can testify to this. Out of our darkness a light did shine and I saw this light I was not asleep I was awake and crying when I looked up the most beautiful white strands of light which had a silver glow and waht looked like stars sparkling around it appeared. I was dumbstuck. I was told not by words but bby telepathy all would come right and we are only giving what we can carry. I was urged to persue my life in Spiritualism.
There are no Churches near us so I joined an online group that do not charge money for readings we do them off photos. I am found some happiness in this as I love to help others and pass some joy on and also to let folk know there is life after life.
My son does have a conscience and I hope through patience and love to stir his conscience up to a higher level of understanding life.
Being an atheist is not wrong as long as you do not commit crimes against humanity. Just as my father steered me away from religion and onto a new path of understanding a more scientific view of life and humans I hope to do the same for my son.
I have discovered as we all have  humans are capable of so much more. Medical and scientific discoveries are happening everyday. I know far deep into the future humans will be enlightened and crimes against eachother will be a thing of the past but it will take a long time before we see this.
We as humans like to put labels on everything and so many folk steer away from spirituality as they see it as airy fairy or spooky. I do not put a label on what I do. What I do know is there is life after this life and there is an order to the Universe. We all will be held accountable for our lives so do not stand in judgement over others for you yourself will be judged one day and what can you say in your defense. Compassion does not cost anything. To err is human to forgive is Divine.
Where we will end up we do not know as we will be moving house again. What we do know is that we will help our son and try and steer him onto a new path. With support and love we pray he will not reoffend as so many others say these men do.
My husband still holds onto atheism but has consented that what he has seen and heard has opened up his mind. For many years I could not even mention spirit and I was not allowed to visit Churches or persue a career in this. I myself do not know what lies ahead but I do know one thing I cannot turn my back on all I have been shown and learnt.
My passion is healing I love to work with Spirit and pass on their love and healing to troubled souls. They do not profess to cure cancer or broken bones. Spirit heals and sends love down through their healers to those in need.
I do not have an ego but I have met many folk in the Spiritualist movement who do have. They lead two lives.We are but vessels for the higher energies to work through hence the word medium to mediate.
I do not know if I will go back to a Church time will tell. For now I work directly with Spirit.
My prayer everyday is for humaity.  And for my son and the victims of these assaults. I am glad my son was caught for he may have went on to do so much more harm. I have read of men who repeatedly rape children and in many cases murder the child. Is there hope for them? Will they be set free? No. For I say to you all there is a place there are many in fact where we go after this life. I have walked through the darkness and seen and felt these deprived humans who never repented or where not sorry for what the crimes the committed. It was cold misty and a sea of heaving bodies all crammed together begging for help. My companion and guide told me I had to cross this divide to get to the other side.  I wanted to help but was told I could not help them. I felt so sad for all these humans. I have been taken to places where the sun always shines and it is what we would call heaven.. So many places have they took me to and so many of my family and friends have I seen in these places.
For there is not one, two or even three dimensions to this life and the afterlife but many dimensions.
I do believe in reincarnation. I have been shown this. I can recall other lives to. We all journey through life many times. Wisdom for some comes and stays for others it will take many life times before they are truly enlightened. For some humans they will stay in the cesspit of Hell.
I hope to lift my son from this evil that surrounds his mind. I pray through time to succeed but only time will tell.
I would like to see more help for these men and woman so they do not reoffend. Perhaps in the future it will be dealt with and not locked away behind closed doors.
 We ask for no pity and want none. Since this has happened I have had  a deeper insight into people. There are a few who are laughing up their sleeves at us. I saw a woman smirk at me with a sneer it looked as if she was thinking ha ha deal with this. Nasty person. I also saw the same smirk on a family members face and on the face of others. There are some humans who take pleasure in others misfortunes. I feel nothing but pity for them.
If we all took just 15 minutes of our day to sit and reflect on ourselves on our behaviour and how to better ourselves we would be kinder and more loving compassion would win. But we so many of us don't. We fill our lives with mundane problems become aggressive and lose ourselves in our own problems.
My mother taught me never lose your temper meaning never shout at another as it just leads to more aggression. She was so right. Two wrongs do not make a right. She would sit me down and show me what I was doing was wrong. Calmly  she would speak to us and never once did she hit us for doing wrong. She had a deep understanding of life and of human nature.
I have encountered parents and couples who bawl at eachother for something they did wrong. Losing ones temper does not help in any situation I know as I have been in these situations where I was being attacked and bawled at. I kept my calm. I kept my self control and was able in many cases to diffuse the situation. I know there are many folk who did not and will not practise this self control and will go on making mountains from molehills, shouting and losing their temper. I feel compassion for them. We are told teach your children and they will follow by example. This does apply in many ways. For us our son did not listen and went his own way as many of us do.
There are some folk who want to kill our son for what he has done. His death would not solve anything. I saw a post on Face Book Do not experiment on animals when there are so many Peaodohiles in prison experiment on them. This was put up by a person who believes himself to be spirtually enlightened, It was liked by many whom I thought were kind spiritual people. One of the reasons I may never go back to a Spiritual Church.
Our journey through life should be one of compassion and helping eachother. Instead there is jealousy, hatred, greed, crimes against eachother. It will stop but not for a long long time.
What goes on behind closed doors should not stay there.  The doors have to be opened and we have to speak out.
It is never to late for us all to turn around and take a new path a new way of understanding life and the meaning of it.
I have seen with my own eyes what devastation we bring down on eachother because we can and are selfish.
Our son was selfish and weak and did not stop to see what he was doing would harm and hurt so many. If he did he would not have carried on doing it. He was caught up in his own depraved fantasy.
I pray for him to be shown that there is more to this life than he believes. He has told me of his dreams and nightmares. So I know he is begining to feel there is a higher force in life. It is easy to walk down the path of self destuction and depravity once one is on that path. We as a society have to help these people see that there is hope for them if they will take that first step of this journsy and become Humane beings. For every action there is consequence.
We all will be called upon one day for our actions. I carry the hope in my heart that one day there will be more support for these crimes against humanity. Ignorance and greed will one day be a thing of the past.
Only time will tell if my son has learned and will not hurt anyone again. What he has done can not be undone and beating him up or killing him solves nothing. The prison he is in at present is old and there is no support groups for him and others like him. He is to be moved  when there is a place for him to a newer prison where I am led to believe there is help and support for what he has done.
I was told it is not an illness but I believe it is and just like an illness there is a cure. With help we hope to cure our son.
I hope some of you can take from our journey and apply it to your lives.
Support and knowledge is so important. Self Control must be taught from an early age. And nothing should be kept behind closed doors.
My thoughts are with all the victims of crime. But I spare a thought for those who committed these crimes. ?
24/?03/?2015









 


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