If it Means A lot to You.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Listening to "Have Faith in Me" by A Day To Remember.

Submitted: September 05, 2009

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Submitted: September 05, 2009

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  I stepped outside and the surprisingly cold air  hit me, crawling and sliding down my throat and into my lungs. I was rather taken back by the coldness of it all. But I started moving, my feet stepping into the dry grass. I pushed my hands into the safe haven of my sweatshirt pocket. I suddenly wished that I too, could hide away like that. But obviously, I was incapable of this.  I moved slowly and looked towards the line of trees. Their branches were bare. Nothing to hide their bark from the bitter wind. Within minutes, my throat was burning and I tilted my head down as I walked. Watching my feet take two steps in every block of  pale  sidewalk.

I wasn't exactly surprised when no one came after me. That the person that I had once believed in and had told everything and anything to, did not come out to bring me back to the warmth of their house. I guess I couldn't blame them. My feelings were still hurt though. Wasn't it an obligation, not as a friend, but as my own family to insure in my safety? Maybe the rules of family didn't apply anymore.

  With numb fingers, I pulled my hood up and over my head. I took in a deep breath and looked to the sun. Slowly it was dying behind the Earth. Slipping farther and farther out of sight. Darkness was starting to paint the sky. With it, it was bringing with it more coldness.
 
I couldn't help but feel as If I had given up. I hated the feeling. Giving up was the equal to failing. And failing was always out of the question for me. I couldn't help but feel guilty. Guilty for not being there for my family that needed me the most. Guilty for setting half of the family against the other. Guilty for choosing who I wanted to be with over the people that needed me more.

I looked back at how everything was as I walked by my old school. I was close to them. I shared everything with them. But when they moved into town...I felt the weight of our family on my shoulders. Someone had put that on me. As if I could bring everyone together to be closer than before. As if I could do something to keep everyone happy. I was put to bare these pounds unwillingly. There was no possible way that I could love this person like I had before.  Especially when that  person then had the audacity to then say they were disappointed in me. Me and my young and still weak shoulders.


 For the first time I was angry. I was upset about the fact that nothing had ever really been my fault. The distance between us all had been building over time. Because some people don’t turn out the way you imagine them or want them to. The problem had been flying under the radar. But when it was obvious, I was to blame.

I sat down in front of the gas station along the frozen cement. My head was in my hands. I wasn’t sure what I could do. If there was anything that I could or wanted to do in the first place.

Through all of my confusion though, I realized one thing...

 Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but accepting that there are just things in life that cannot be, And with this new look on everything, I got up and headed home. Faster than before. With a lighter heart than before.


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