"Well Arnold, I've seen all your movies, so I know that in addition to being an on-screen badass, you're a pretty funny guy. I guess that explains why you agreed to talk to me."
"I don't know about that. I mean, the first part—yes, I am a funny guy. But I haven't agreed to talk to you."
"But … you're talking now, big guy."
"No, I'm not talking at all. It's you, imagining. Again."
"Really? I'm writing to myself again?"
"Yes, Harlowe; this is all you. You'd better put a call in to that shrink of yours."
"I will later, I promise—but can we finish this first, while I'm channeling you?"
"It doesn't matter to me. You'll do whatever you want, won't you?"
"Well, don't you think I should?"
"Of course I do. When I want something, I just reach out and grab it."
"No kidding; I've actually heard that about you, Arnold."
"Hopefully, everybody has. I've come out with a book about it, you know. It's a tell-all."
"A tell-all, huh? What I usually want to know about a tell-all is, what does it leave out? All the juicy parts, right?"
"No, the book is full of my juicy parts. The only juicy parts I left out are the ones that I've forgotten. Lets face it … nobody could remember all the vimen I've fooled around with."
"Vimen means women, right Arnold? I'm trying to translate, here."
"Okay, got it. So, one of the vimen you fooled around with was your maid, right? The one you fathered the love child with … I presume that's in the book?"
"Yeah, that one; I guess I fooled around with her too good. Funny thing is, I've screwed every housekeeper we've ever had, and very few of them ended up with a Terminator in their time machine … but yeah, that's all in the book. It's really a terrific story."
"You think it's terrific? It sounds like it would be a little uncomfortable, airing your dirty laundry in public like this."
"No, really, I'm absolutely fine with it. Sure, the kids are looking for a nice family to adopt them, and Maria is mortified—but hey, she's the one who started telling everybody about it in the first place; getting all pissed off, and all of this. I was perfectly content to keep my mouth shut about it."
"And there's money to be made …"
"That's right, and I love to make money."
"It does make the world go 'round."
"Yes, and I have a divorce to pay for, don't forget."
"Yeah, and I bet it's going to be an expensive one."
"Eh … don't remind me, alright? What else do you want to know, Harlowe?"
"Well, about all these affairs you've been having: I remember in your movie Pumping Iron, you said that the pump you get from lifting weights gave you the feeling of coming, so in effect you felt like you were coming all the time."
"Now, if that were the case, I wonder why you needed to fool around so much. Didn't you already feel like you were coming all the time?"
"Well, Pumping Iron was a long time ago, and I know now that in my youth, there was something I was mistaken about. As it turns out, the reason why I felt like I was coming all the time, was actually all of the sex I was having."
"Oh … that realization must have come as a shock."
"Yes, you can imagine."
"So you felt like you were coming all the time because you were coming all the time."
"Exactly. Go figure, right?"
"Hey, speaking of sex in the old days, care to address the gay rumors?"
"You mean the bisexual rumors?"
"Of course. All of those rumors are absolutely untrue. I've never had to pay for sex. I did sell it a few times, though—back in the day. I liked making money then as well, you see."
"Uh, Arnold … I didn't mean buy sexual, as in paying for it …"
"Like I said before, I've never had to pay for it."
"Hmmm … then how about the the gay rumors? Have you ever had sex with a man?"
"When a woman was available? No. At least, not that I can remember."
"Well, that settles that."
"I'll say that I've always seen myself as a pitcher. As far as who's catching … hey, a strike zone's a strike zone, right?"
"I guess so, Arnold. If we're talking baseball, anyways."
"Oh, are we talking about baseball now?"
"I don't know. I was sort of hoping we were."
"I can't say I know a lot about baseball. Bodybuilding was more my game. That was always something I liked about making babies. Making babies is like bodybuilding. Building little bodies."
"Can't say I ever thought of it that way, Arnold."
"Well as you know, I'm a visionary."
To Be Continued …
PS. Check out my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa (Adult Humor). Ebook is only $2.99 at www.cockandbullpublishing.com and most other online book sellers.
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Book / Humor
Essay / Humor
Essay / Humor
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