It's Harlowe Pilgrim again, back with another interview. This time we're speaking with Mary Magdalene - also known as Mrs. Jesus Christ - one of the big stars of my book, Jesus Vs.
Pilgrim: Mary Magdalene, lovely star of the written word, thank you for joining me to discuss our new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.
Magdalene: You’re welcome, Harlowe. And you look lovely today, as well.
Pilgrim: Aw, you’re too kind. So, how’s it feel being done with the book?
Magdalene: Well, first of all, I’m very happy that you turned our work into something so … let's say, worthwhile.
Pilgrim: Hmm … worthwhile, huh? Interesting choice of words. I wonder what exactly you mean by that …
Magdalene: Well, I mean laugh-your-ass-off funny, piss-your-pants exciting, and so provocative you’ll want to discuss it with all your friends. And or your shrink.
Pilgrim: All good qualities in a book, I think. Very worthwhile.
Magdalene: Exactly. Anyhow, I actually have mixed feelings about the book being done. It was a lot of work, but doing it was so much fun. And it was great for my husband Jesus to have something constructive to do with his time.
Pilgrim: I’d be surprised to learn that Jesus has a hard time keeping busy …
Magdalene: Yeah, but keeping busy doing what? I’ll give you an example of how he’s been entertaining himself lately: The other day, he gave me a second pair of tits—on my back. And then he followed me around trying to play with them the entire damn day.
Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose that could get obnoxious after a while.
Magdalene: You think? Just this morning, an angel came to see him, and the poor guy left with a penis stuck on his forehead. And believe me—it was not the way the angel was used to having them stuck to his forehead, either.
Pilgrim: (laughs) Good thing we’re gearing up for another book, then.
Magdalene: It’s a godsend. Really, you have no idea.
Pilgrim: I think we’re starting to get some idea. Back to making Jesus Vs. Santa, tell me what was your favorite part.
Magdalene: I really liked the way we got to play ourselves as ourselves.
Pilgrim: Interesting. That’s been a pretty consistent response from all the cast members.
Magdalene: I can totally see why. Although the story was, of course (mostly) made up, the novel could really be a documentary, as far as how our personalities are depicted. What you read is what you get. You did a really great job capturing my essence, Harlowe.
Pilgrim: And you did a great job being yourself. (both laugh)
Magdalene: I may be the best at it there is.
Pilgrim: I’ve never seen anyone play you better.
Magdalene: Thank you so much. And my other favorite part was working with Jess and Kris … they’re really a lot of fun.
Pilgrim: That’s Jessica and Kris Kringle, or Mrs. and Santa Claus, for anyone who’s not yet on a first name basis with them …
Magdalene: Right, and … I have to say … those fucking elves just crack me up every time! Whenever we visit The North Pole, I end up leaving with sore sides from all the laughing.
Pilgrim: They are funny. It was a brilliant idea to include them in the book.
Magdalene: Yes, chalk up another brilliant idea to Harlowe Pilgrim—a goddamned genius, if you ask me. And so handsome.
Pilgrim: Geez, am I blushing?
Magdalene: Maybe a little. No, maybe a lot.
Pilgrim: Uh hum … okay, so … what was your least favorite part of being in the book? Was there anything you didn’t like?
Magdalene: Well, I wasn’t really sure about the nudity and crude sexual humor at first. I mean, history and the church give me a pretty bad time as it is, you know?
Pilgrim: Yeah, I can understand your having some reservations. What's their problem, anyway? Do you have any thoughts on it?
Magdalene: Well, they’re heavily invested in a certain image of Jesus, and I guess they’ve just always thought I was bad for business.
Pilgrim: Wow, that’s rough.
Magdalene: Yeah, but it’s ancient history. Actually, it is ancient history, now that I think about it. Besides, I got the … prize?
Pilgrim: I guess you did.
Magdalene: And my in-laws have always been great to me. Who else’s blessing would I need?
Pilgrim: I’m glad to hear you’ve come to terms with all that, and I’m really glad you came around on the nudity and crude sexual humor—it helped make the book. You have a beautiful body to show off, if you don’t mind me saying so.
Magdalene: I sort of have my husband to thank for that; Jesus Christ has definitely been my personal savior in the cosmetic augmentation department. Gosh, imagine if I looked my age.
Pilgrim: I think you and Mrs. Claus are kind of in the same boat, there.
Magdalene: Yeah, I’d say she’s been taken very good care of. Jessica Kringle knows Santa Claus is for real, let me tell you.
Pilgrim: I bet she does. And I understand that she and Santa are also participating in the next book.
Magdalene: You would know! We were all just talking about how excited we are.
Pilgrim: So, I take it you’ve signed on for more nudity and crude sexual humor?
Magdalene: I’m a little worried about being typecast—but yeah, I’ll be taking my clothes off again in the name of fine literature.
Pilgrim: (laughs) Why mess with success, right? I’ve heard that sex sells … and a little salty language never hurt, either.
Magdalene: If you fucking say so, Harlowe. (both laugh)
Pilgrim: I fucking do. And do you have any parting words for our fucking readers?
Magdalene: (laughs) Um … okay. Girls, marry a guy who can give you anything you want. And guys … better do what you can to be that guy.
Pilgrim: Great advice if you can follow it, Mary Magdalene. Thanks again for the interview, and see you on the set.
PS. Check out my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa (Adult Humor). Ebook is only $2.99 at www.cockandbullpublishing.com and most other online booksellers. They have hardcover and softcover copies too, for those who still like turning pages.
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