Mary Magdalene Interview

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The author Harlowe Pilgrim interviews Mary Magdalene - also known as Mrs. Jesus Christ.

Submitted: July 16, 2012

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Submitted: July 16, 2012



It's Harlowe Pilgrim again, back with another interview. This time we're speaking with Mary Magdalene - also known as Mrs. Jesus Christ - one of the big stars of my book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Pilgrim: Mary Magdalene, lovely star of the written word, thank you for joining me to discuss our new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.
Magdalene: You’re welcome, Harlowe. And you look lovely today, as well.
Pilgrim: Aw, you’re too kind. So, how’s it feel being done with the book?
Magdalene: Well, first of all, I’m very happy that you turned our work into something so … let's say, worthwhile.
Pilgrim: Hmm … worthwhile, huh? Interesting choice of words. I wonder what exactly you mean by that …
Magdalene: Well, I mean laugh-your-ass-off funny, piss-your-pants exciting, and so provocative you’ll want to discuss it with all your friends. And or your shrink.
Pilgrim: All good qualities in a book, I think. Very worthwhile.
Magdalene: Exactly. Anyhow, I actually have mixed feelings about the book being done. It was a lot of work, but doing it was so much fun. And it was great for my husband Jesus to have something constructive to do with his time.
Pilgrim: I’d be surprised to learn that Jesus has a hard time keeping busy …
Magdalene: Yeah, but keeping busy doing what? I’ll give you an example of how he’s been entertaining himself lately: The other day, he gave me a second pair of tits—on my back. And then he followed me around trying to play with them the entire damn day.
Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose that could get obnoxious after a while.
Magdalene: You think? Just this morning, an angel came to see him, and the poor guy left with a penis stuck on his forehead. And believe me—it was not the way the angel was used to having them stuck to his forehead, either.
Pilgrim: (laughs) Good thing we’re gearing up for another book, then.
Magdalene: It’s a godsend. Really, you have no idea.
Pilgrim: I think we’re starting to get some idea. Back to making Jesus Vs. Santa, tell me what was your favorite part.
Magdalene: I really liked the way we got to play ourselves as ourselves.
Pilgrim: Interesting. That’s been a pretty consistent response from all the cast members.
Magdalene: I can totally see why. Although the story was, of course (mostly) made up, the novel could really be a documentary, as far as how our personalities are depicted. What you read is what you get. You did a really great job capturing my essence, Harlowe.
Pilgrim: And you did a great job being yourself. (both laugh)
Magdalene: I may be the best at it there is.
Pilgrim: I’ve never seen anyone play you better.
Magdalene: Thank you so much. And my other favorite part was working with Jess and Kris … they’re really a lot of fun.
Pilgrim: That’s Jessica and Kris Kringle, or Mrs. and Santa Claus, for anyone who’s not yet on a first name basis with them …
Magdalene: Right, and … I have to say … those fucking elves just crack me up every time! Whenever we visit The North Pole, I end up leaving with sore sides from all the laughing.
Pilgrim: They are funny. It was a brilliant idea to include them in the book.
Magdalene: Yes, chalk up another brilliant idea to Harlowe Pilgrim—a goddamned genius, if you ask me. And so handsome.
Pilgrim: Geez, am I blushing?
Magdalene: Maybe a little. No, maybe a lot.
Pilgrim: Uh hum … okay, so … what was your least favorite part of being in the book? Was there anything you didn’t like?
Magdalene: Well, I wasn’t really sure about the nudity and crude sexual humor at first. I mean, history and the church give me a pretty bad time as it is, you know?
Pilgrim: Yeah, I can understand your having some reservations. What's their problem, anyway? Do you have any thoughts on it?
Magdalene: Well, they’re heavily invested in a certain image of Jesus, and I guess they’ve just always thought I was bad for business.
Pilgrim: Wow, that’s rough.
Magdalene: Yeah, but it’s ancient history. Actually, it is ancient history, now that I think about it. Besides, I got the … prize?
Pilgrim: I guess you did.
Magdalene: And my in-laws have always been great to me. Who else’s blessing would I need?
Pilgrim: I’m glad to hear you’ve come to terms with all that, and I’m really glad you came around on the nudity and crude sexual humor—it helped make the book. You have a beautiful body to show off, if you don’t mind me saying so.
Magdalene: I sort of have my husband to thank for that; Jesus Christ has definitely been my personal savior in the cosmetic augmentation department. Gosh, imagine if I looked my age.
Pilgrim: I think you and Mrs. Claus are kind of in the same boat, there.
Magdalene: Yeah, I’d say she’s been taken very good care of. Jessica Kringle knows Santa Claus is for real, let me tell you.
Pilgrim: I bet she does. And I understand that she and Santa are also participating in the next book.
Magdalene: You would know! We were all just talking about how excited we are.
Pilgrim: So, I take it you’ve signed on for more nudity and crude sexual humor?
Magdalene: I’m a little worried about being typecast—but yeah, I’ll be taking my clothes off again in the name of fine literature.
Pilgrim: (laughs) Why mess with success, right? I’ve heard that sex sells … and a little salty language never hurt, either.
Magdalene: If you fucking say so, Harlowe. (both laugh)
Pilgrim: I fucking do. And do you have any parting words for our fucking readers?
Magdalene: (laughs) Um … okay. Girls, marry a guy who can give you anything you want. And guys … better do what you can to be that guy.
Pilgrim: Great advice if you can follow it, Mary Magdalene. Thanks again for the interview, and see you on the set.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Check out my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa (Adult Humor). Ebook is only $2.99 at and most other online booksellers. They have hardcover and softcover copies too, for those who still like turning pages.

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