Have you heard the one about the guy who shot the fireworks out of his ass? Sounds like someone’s been to too many KISS concerts.
I saw a news article describing the incident, but we won’t bother ourselves with the facts here. Just the idea that it actually occurred is quite thought provoking.
Imagine how that emergency call went:
“Help! We need help! My friend just blew up his ass!”
“Um … would you mind repeating that, Sir? It sounded like you said …”
“Yes! He blew up his ass! That’s what I said! And that might not be all, either … please, we really need help.”
“Is this a prank call?”
“No! Lady, please …”
“Um … okay. So, your friend just blew up his ass. I … I need to ask you a couple questions, alright?”
“Fucking A! What’s the matter with you? Just send someone, will you?”
“Sir, I have to ask … please stay calm. Now, how exactly did he blow his ass up?”
“Fireworks. Between his ass cheeks.”
“Really? He put fireworks in his ass?”
“Hmmm what? This is an goddamned emergency!”
“I’m very sorry.”
“Sorry? Sorry about what?”
“Sir, I’m afraid we’re not going to be able to do much for your friend.”
“What?! Why not?!”
“Well … unfortunately … it sounds like your friend’s stupidity has reached an advanced stage; it’s likely he’s terminal. We will not be sending anyone out.”
“But … wait!”
“Have a good night, Sir. Goodbye.”
Now, I’ve never even contemplated putting explosives in my ass … and it’s amazing to me that this guy did. And he lit the fuse! I guess his mother never told him not to. Funny, our mothers never had to tell us not to. Somehow, I doubt that Einstein is this guy’s last name.
You’re probably thinking what I was thinking: surer than shit, this story is straight out of a trailer park, somewhere deep in the heart of Appalachia—with the bad judgment being the product of good moonshine and better inbreeding.
But as it turns out, this little show of pyrotechnic prowess was put on down under—as in, Australia. Do they have moonshine in Australia? Inbreeding? Nah …
It’s fitting that it happened in Australia, though—seeing as he was burnt down under. What a place to even have an open flame! What if there was a methane leak? Maybe there was (obviously something went very wrong).
Confucius say, “Man who cauterize asshole shut, find himself in high pressure situation.”
- Harlowe Pilgrim
Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
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