1st Draft

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This was my first real go at writing something honest and funny, I hope you enjoy.

Submitted: February 21, 2013

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Submitted: February 21, 2013







I've decided to write my thoughts down as a project to see how fickle i really am. This will be the whole spectrum life; love, friendship, career, travel, loneliness, hobbies, and death. I'm sure i've missed a few things out, oh family, i could go on for ever. 


But today i'd like to tackle relationships. I'm sure my views have changed on many occasions, but these are my thoughts to date. I guess you ask me what makes me so qualified to share my views. Well, apart from living on this rock for 31 years… not much. 


I have experienced love i think? i have been married, i've tried to give my views and help with relationships to my friends, also witnessed both points of view by been the dumper or the dumpee or what ever lingo you wish to use. 


So what is love. I'm sure we have all experienced this from time to time in our lives, unconditional love we experience from a very young age. Such as the love for our parents, unless you have none or came from a very dysfunctional family where somehow the fact they made you got in the way of their timetable. Now i am very fortunate because i love my mother as much as she loves me, i don't need to ask her this as i can see it in her eyes and the way we do things for each other. 


But what about true love with another human who is not related to you, unless you have been living in the deep south. Well this has some very searching questions, for instance; they say opposites attract. How can we find comfort with this, that at some points in our lives, our loved ones may be doing things with us such as hobbies or leisure that they would not enjoy? I know we can say we all do things for love but I have not come by any woman that is not my friend who would be happy to write a song with me. 


I know this is not my be all and end all but it's a passion that i have. And equally I'm sure that watching the box set of sex in the city is not my favourite past-time so… swings and roundabouts. But these are all things we may compromise. Now thats a very interesting word, it can also be followed by equality. In all my years of studying my friends behaviours, and i know this sentence makes me sound weird but we all have done this…


i've never known any of my friends to be in, as we say, an equal relationship - theres always a weaker one. Such as personality, smarts, looks, financial status and so on. I'm not throwing judgement out there but I'm just being honest. We have all been in relationships where we have gone for the safe partner and we have all dated people that are out of our league. They all have the same ending and are just as painful either way.


so i've come up with a relationship experience without having to date people. 


step 1: Collect all your favourite possessions such as: dvd's, or blu-rays if you have them, items of clothing that could be used in a unisex way (jumpers, hoodies, coats), board games and books. Throw half of these away. 


Step 2: Put on weight by being extremely lazy, sit indoors and don't go out. If you do go out, go home half way through the night when it actually starts to become interesting. 


Step 3: Do small things to annoy yourself in a idiosyncratic manner such as leaving half-drunk cups of tea in your bedroom, even if you don't drink tea. Also buy or borrow clothes of the opposite sex throw them all around your room. 


Step 4 : Listen to music you think is futile and not credible. Also tv series. Learn all the characters in sex in the city or, if female, watch football and try and get involved in the january transfer windows and watch sky sports news finding out what team a player is playing for and who they will be sold to. 


Step 5 : Take your mum or dad clothes shopping what ever the sex you are take the opposite because either shop is there to make you feel uncomfortable. From a mans point of view woman's shops are set out like a jumble sale and the clothes racks are so close together you can't help but get in a woman's way and if you have to wait for your partner while she trys clothes on you can stand outside looking like a pervert. From a woman's point of view and this is so funny that top shop don't employ attractive young men to entice you in to a shop where as a mans shop this rule is fair game. Allow your farther or friend to check out the attractive young shop assistant and not listen to a word you say. And try and get excited about mens amazing selection of clothing such as a t-shirt and trouser combo or a shirt and a trouser combo what a selection. 


Step 6: Give up habits that you will finally give up eventually such as smoking drinking whatever your poison is and every time you laps go to the mirror and give yourself a disappointing look. 


I could go on forever with these steps but then after you have done these for 6 months spend another year getting yourself back to what you were like before this all happened. Take time to reflect and see what you have found out about yourself and promise that you'll never allow yourself to get like this again. 


The funniest thing about the whole relationship experience is sex, it goes to show that with out been crude having your needs met by a member of the opposite sex or if your gay the same can make people you would not associate with acceptable. If this fact was not true why would we have embarrassing  one night stands with people we don't like or fancy. People would like to say "it was the drink" i would argue with this i think that alcohol assist but thats because it takes are inhibitions away and makes us more like the animal. Hence fighting saying whats on your mind performing silly tasks urinating in the street and thinking what ever you say is amazing. 



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