After waking up fully clothed and smelling of stale beer, with a tung dryer than a jay cloth thats been left out in the sun , your hit with a massive reality pocket.
In about the next five minutes the door will swing open only to be greeted by an unwanted guest, and we all despise him immensely, good afternoon mr hangover.
In my world this is the man who has emptied my bank account, goaded me into doing stupid things and thrown my clothes on the floor, Used my credit card to buy a take away and left the the stinking congealed contents in my bedroom for me to smell.
What an introduction…….
He is more evil to me if i have places to go and people to see the following day because he still performs the tasks above, but gives you a sense of false hope by allowing you to feel like your okay for the first few hours. We have all had that moment where we've been out on a night out, and woken up by leaping out of bed before our alarm goes off and feeling like a million dollars. Only to find out that the hangover count down has been started, unfortunately the liquid crystal display is blurred and unclear. But when we reach that ten second count down we won't be ready.
This feeling is like knowing your gong to be slapped in the face, and not knowing when it's coming. Plus there are many different hangover side-affects. Such as….. the sensation of your head been crushed in a vice, the feeling that your brain has been detached from the stem and every time you move your head your brain loosely follows. or the horrible feeling that your internal organs feel like they have been replaced by Flumps.
Its funny how as soon as your friends find out your in this state, they turn into f@$%ing Florence Nightingale. "Have another drink " really? "Bacon & Eggs, something really stodgy" thats a great idea, my stomach feels like i can barely hold water, and you think that poring the contents of a farm yard into my ever so delicate belly, along with half a bottle of crisp and dry, will make me feel better?..
Oh i see instead it will give me the worst heart burn possible, and then a hangover will be the least of my worries, "bottle of Gaviscon on stand by please".
The only thing i've ever used to take the edge of hangovers, and i found this out by pure accident. A couple of years ago i fell over playing football, i'd like to say it was a crunching tackle and I rolled across the floor four or five times, but that would be such a lie. whilst running as fast as i could, which i can say thats not very fast at all, i went straight over the football and flew through the air in a horizontal position. And for that moment i laid suspend airborne and defying gravity, only to be reunited by the floor "this was gonna hurt". No major damage apart from hitting my head,arse and back i was okay , my pride was in tatters as you can imagine what sympathy you would get from men you play football with. I was welcomed with such classics as "she fell over", "enjoy your trip" and many more timeless one liners. The next day i woke up i could hardly get myself out of bed let alone walk, and when i did it resemble some poor soul who has just s*&t himself. That day we had a staff night out, which i was going to try to get out of because i was walking like John Wayne. At this point one of my colleagues at the time handed me some ibuprofen and advised along with this and some hard pain killers, this would be fine and i could carry on drinking. And been the responsible adult that i am i did so, went out got drunk woke up the next day feeling wonderful?
I've always wanted to say this its so futile but "here comes the science part" apart from i will not be trying to use Latin words to make it sound better. When you drink your brain swells through lack of water oxygen, and whatever else you crazy cats get up to, ibuprofen is a anti inflammatory this and water before you go to bed after a night out if you remember will take the edge off it unless you've been out all day and night.
Now back to the hangover the final stages, they would not been complete with out the "Spirals" or "The Spirals of shame". The last gift given to us by our friend Mr Hangover, placing truth nuggets of the night before into the back pocket of our mind it sits there like lose change, only to be sifted through the hazy pocket fluff of blankness until bang…. Like a lego block trapped in a hoover, your body goes cold your hands start to sweat and all you can do is prop up your head with your hand as a shameful flash back of the night before hits you. Its worse if your on your own as there i no one to console you in this hour of need, and maybe the tendency to talk to yourself "why did i do that". Now mostly its what you say when your drunk, not as much what you do and we have all told someone we really like we are into them, worse still they are some how related to your friends like there sister. Or you accidentally betray a friends trust by telling someone else a secret that in your drunk state you thought was common knowledge.
Now depending on how wild your night was will determine how long these spirals will continue for.
My advice for the above if your going out don't drink gin as that is memory loss in a bottle. As much as drinking before you go out is cheaper, it will increase the likelihood of the spirals and you may not even make it out. Make sure you have some ibuprofen and and a couple of pints of water before bed. Thats as far as my advice goes as i'm probably the most irresponsible person i know when it comes to drinking. Look after your friends and yourselves and enjoy what the night has to offer.
© Copyright 2016 Harold da funk. All rights reserved.
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