Dear God, Be clear

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
fuck grammar and spelling. feelings cant cooperate

Submitted: April 16, 2016

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Submitted: April 16, 2016

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PART 1

 

Johari Window

 

Johari Window theory said that humans at least have four selves

By the end of our eight month, you’ve opened the fourth window

And by the end of our relationship, I tried to lock the window

But you already got the key

I don’t know maybe you’re a terrible creature\

You’re not human, I think

If you are a human, well, you are the worst human I’ve ever dated

 

It’s like I offered you my naked soul

Don’t you know it takes lots of guts to open all of my soil

Don’t you know it takes lots of efforts to give you all of me

All of me, just like that one line you always sings to me

“even when you crying you’re beautiful, too”

Lol. Bullshit

Well, back to the first sentence of this paragraph

It’s like I offered you my naked soul

Then you saw it,

Then you leave me like it was nothing worth

 

Or maybe I should say that it was like a betrayal

Like I invest billion dollars to a company

And then, one of the employee got fired

Seeing that situation, you closed your company

And run away bringing my investation

 

I don’t know why I haven’t been over you

I don’t know why I even decided to love you at the first place

Or how I risked everything I have to marry you

Like you said you would do anything to marry me

Lol. Bullshit

 

Then the funny thing is that you victimized yourself

You make it like I’m the guilty person

Like this is all over because of me

And give yourself a right to hate me

And it becomes funny because I should hate you

 

I hate you, by the way

I don’t wish to get back together or remain friends

But I cant stop thinking about you

It’s like I haven’t forgiven you for all your mistake

And then you stood there pretend you don’t have any mistake

This is the worst breakup ever

 

But I’m glad we’re broken up

It’s just that I want you to know that you owe me your life

Like you did biggest mistake ever

Like you should say sorry to me

Like you should regret everything you said

Which you didn’t

 

I love you, that much

To the extent that actually love songs start to make sense

Like Bruno mars’ grenade

Well, I actually would catch a grenade for you

But you won’t do the same

But still at this very second, every songs still all about you

The break-upy, the fall in love thingy, the complicated ones

And I wonder if you ever wonder about me,

The victim

The one whose wounds hasn’t been healed until this very moment

 

And just like the ordinary victim in every breakup, I try to find things to keep me busy

Cooking,

Working out,

Watching dramas,

Travelling,

But in the end, those things disssapoint me which will be told at the next section

I don’t know why I cant forgive you

Maybe I need you to beg me forgiveness

Which you didn’t

Which make me still lingering on my computer right now to clear about what’s hurt

 

PART 2

 

Sinner

 

Yes, I’m a sinner

But I do that kind of sin which didn’t do any harm to others

It only did some harms to myself, only

And I regret it, very much

 

But, God, do you know that I’m a kind person?

I would rate myself as very kind actually

I do some volunteer works for the not haves

Then I give my friends a bread

I let my friend wear my shoes when her shoes was broken

I buy my friend some surprising gifts

I never did any revenge to those who’ve hurt me

 

My past is tough, I think

And I think I’m a very strong person

Do you remember how I was bullied in junior high school?

How everytime I walk, I heard someone whispered something bad about me

How every time I went to everywhere, I would see some terror for me

How each of my friends avoided befriend with me just because I’m the chosen one?

Or how I didn’t get any protection from my former boyfriend

Who in the end left me for some other girl

Or how I have to spend 3 years being a hateful person for something I didn’t do

It wasn’t my mistake, you know, God?

I didn’t do anything wrong

Why cant everybody accept me for who I am in the first place?

I still cry everytime I remember how hard it was for me to even buy food from canteen

Do you still remember, God?

 

Or that one time finally I got to taste some happiness

For someone whom I truly loved

And then universe got in our way

And then I had to cry every night

But actually it was somehow worth for I know what the real love is

 

And that time when I entered senior high school

And the seniors start to hate me?

Like, dude, I don’t even know who you are

Even just a few,

It’s still heartbreaking to know that actually some people hate you that much

 

And that time when I try everything but I never succeed?

When I just want to win the third place but universe didn’t let me be in the top five

Or how I walk in every interview but got ignored at the end

Or how I try my best just to become one of them

How I use my own effort to become one of them

And then, there she was easily winning the first place,

In everything

And there she was holding his boyfriend’s arm

When I don’t even have anyone to rely on

And there she was success in every thing she does

And I’m here crying because I failed in everything?

Or this time when I have to spend 3 months only talking to myself

Pretend to be amused by some electronic entertainment

Pretend to enjoy life by stuffing foods to my stomach

And then got in internal conflict a while later

About whether I should continue eat or go on diet

 

It’s like, dear God,

Why cant things be easy for me?

Why cant I own anything I want?

I try to be good

I’m a kind person

Very kind

I never hate anyone or do harms to others

I passed Your test

I’m done being that hateful person without knowing why

I’m done showing off to the world how strong I am

And why cant I taste real happiness even once?

Don’t You say that You are righteous?

Like I’m tired being all alone

I’m tired doing all these formal things to friends I don’t even want to befriend with

I’m tired pretending to be entertained every single day

I’m tired eating any food just to alter my mind from this sadness

I’m done, God

Can You just be clear?

Be clear about what should I do now in order to succeed

Why me?

 

 

PART 3

 

Eating Disorder

 

I want to live like a normal human being

You know, like people

I don’t want to constantly worry about my appearance

My weight

How much my body fat percentage

Or how thin my thighs are

Or if I can see any gap between them

Or cursing my bulky leg

Hoping to be thin and lean without no muscle

Or hating my wide hips

I want to eat like a normal human being

I mean normal, really normal

Like I don’t have to differentiate between cheating day and striving dayt

Like I can seat anything I want and not feel sorry the next day

Not punishing myself with working out until I feel like I just wanna die

Its complicated

It’s paradox

I feel lonely

I don’t have anyone to talk about how I feel

No one, literally no one

You will deny it by saying that I have friends and family

But no, my friends will only tell their own stories that they think related to my problems instead of listening to mine

And my family will tell me that its not a bg deal

That I’m stupid

That I’m attention whore

Boyfriend? I don’t have one

I don’t know why

I transformed myself into what so called the ideal girl for everyone

I lose my weight

I take are of how my clothes coordinate

I pay attention to how my eyelashes look everytime I go to college

I learn to cook

I wear hijab

I increase my iman

But still no one bothers to even say hi to me

I feel confused

If I don’t do this, I might not have one

But I’m tired of doing this

I need someone to talk about this

But in order to get someone to talk about this. I have to do this

You get what I mean?

 

Sometimes, I just regret of everything

I question everything

Like why do I have to develop my mental to this strong?

Why do I have to be this strong woman?

That strong woman whom everyone knows that not any situation can bring her down

That she can survive well by her ownself

That she doesn’t need anyone to comfort her

I don’t want to be that kind of woman

I wish I was the other woman

I wish I was that weak girl you always see crying in the corner

The girl whom everyone feel pity just by looking at her

The girl that always needs and always receives hand to help her

That girl that everyone knows she cant do anything by herself

Can I be like that girl?

I want to

I don’t need this strong mental I have right now

 

I don’t know why life is so unfair

Like I become this strong person so that life can make it as justification to always throw rock at me

Giving me a reason that you are strong enough to get through this

That you are the chosen one

The strongest soldier so that I can give my hardest tasks to you

No, I don’t want that

I want to be that weak girl

 

Yesterday I just realized that I have an eating disorder

What makes me sad is not because I have eating disorder

It’s because there are no single person that cares enough for me to notice that I have it

Or I’m upset because I, myself don’t even care enough about myself to notice that I have it

Like there are no single soul that cares enough for me

 

Do you know what makes me even sadder?

The fact that right now, when I’m typing this words

I, myself think that I don’t really have an eating disorder

That I only try to find excuse so that I don’t have to do workout and watch my diet

I pity myself

 

I never ask for million friends to ake care of me

Just one or two will be enough for me

One or two real friends that wont ignore my texts or reply it just because

I never ask for that so much supportive family

Just that kind of family that will tell me to eat

Tell me to eat so that I wont fall sick

Not that father that tell me to stop eating

Even when he doesn’t know that it’s my only meal in a day

I never ask for a perfect boyfriend

Just one kind soul that kind enough to take care of me

 

But really I pity myself

Its like I have this other self that judge myself

Piercing her eyes and say that I’m so lonely

That I’m pitiful

That I’m terrible

And the other self of me just kinda smile bitterly and say

Oh yeah I know I’m pitiful

And she’s just kinda strokes herself to sleep

Hug herself when tears are racing

Says to herself that everything is gonna be okay

 

I don’t know if I react too much about this

Or should this thing considered as pathetic thing to happen to someone?

It’s complicated, really

 

I miss my old self

My old self before I met you

My happier version of me

Myself before I knew I’m fat enough to be your girlfriend

Myself before I knew I have to lose my weight

Before I knew everything about ant waist

Thigh gap

Perfect measurement or ratio for legs thigh and ankle

I want to go back to my old self

 

I’m not the best umat of all time

But I do pray every 5 times a day

And God, I’m just asking you to help me heal myself

Or maybe bringing something that will make me feel happier

Or else, bring me someone that will make my day brighter

 

I always thought that human can live alone

That we shouldn’t depend on others

Because even your shadow leaves you in the dark

But no

That’s what I tell to anyone

As advice

So that they wont feel upset or surprised when they realize that no one is gonna be there for them

Now I thought that human can live alone

Living terribly

Living pitifully

Just like I am now

Only being accompanied by laptop and bts lyrics that speaks to me

Because I can only type this words

And listening to these lyrics

Because I have no one to talk to

Even myself seems annoyed when I asked her to discuss about this

Even myself, tired of myself

Even myself doesn’t wanna be with myself anymore


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