The Daily Life Of Living With A Monster

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I know I shouldn't feel this but sadly I do.

Submitted: February 19, 2015

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Submitted: February 19, 2015

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Song :The monster In Me, by AMV

 

As The day goes on longer all I can think about is how much Hate I hold Inside.I know its cliche, I’m like every other teenager .Sad and Depressed, but like everyone I have reasons for hating myself. Believe me when I say I hate Myself I mean it. Ive ruined so many lives while just trying to be normal.I’m not normal ,I’m just a genetic f*** up. I know that my parents love me for who I am but it still hurts. I can’t even walk down the hallway at school without being criticized.Im Hated by about 90% of the schools population. I always pretend that I don't care but deep down it burns away at my heart. Everyone In my family accepts me for me,Why cant I accept myself then? The  answer to that has always eluded me. I look at myself in my mirror and All I see is a monster staring back at me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way ,I should feel happy and enjoy life. I have everything that should make me happy. A good House, A good life, Accepting parents and a wonderful girlfriend.Although somehow I still feel empty inside.I feel as if my heart is blackened with despair and depression.

I know the things I do to my body are things I shouldn’t .I hurt myself Just so I can feel something. I walk around numb feeling perpetually useless. I haven’t found anything that I’m good for. Except for hurting myself and making my Girlfriend feel bad for me. I love her so much and so many times I have broken that same promise. So many times I have. I just cant help myself. It’s like and addiction that I just cant shake. The pain as I drag that razor across my skins feels amazing. It’s weird to say that but its true. I have developed a masochistic personality. I just can’t help myself the pain feels so good. I have tried to stop but I just wake up the next morning with more. I stay up all night trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t. It would just hurt the people around me more. I sit there and fight with the animal inside my head. Most times I convince myself not to but the urge still lingers. The urge is still there.I fight with the beast until I finally snap. I always end up regretting the pain I feel but I enjoy it so much. 

The animal just started out as a little voice whispering in my head,but now It tries with all his might to control me. Every day is just another struggle. I can’t take it anymore,He haunts my dreams. What were beautiful dreams are now just horrifying nightmares. I just can’t take it anymore.He turns even the most beautiful things into grotesque unimaginable creations.

Ive learned to accept this fate.I know that I have been the one to create this monstrosity. Now I must pay the price, This what my life is like. 

Don’t get me wrong my life is great .My friends are great and caring and my parents are great. My parents do everything to make sure we have what we need. They always make sure there is food on the table and we are well clothed. They love me and my siblings with all their heart. I love them so much I wouldn’t be here without them . My stepdad took My mother and I in as we were as always a family together. Together my dad and mom have had three wonderful children together. We love each other and it’s a great life.I have no reason to hate myself ,I always wonder why I do. No matter how hard I think I just cannot come up with a reasonable answer. I don’t have any reasons at all on why I would feel this way. My parents have never done anything to make me feel this ,none of my friends have done anything.I Have nothing wrong with my life. Except this monster.


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