A New Idea for a TV Station

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
I am just not into Lifetime.

Submitted: December 22, 2009

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Submitted: December 22, 2009

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There may be something wrong with me, because I am female and I hate Lifetime. For those of you outside the United States, this is a TV channel that aims its programs at women. Women who are convinced all men are rapists, wife beaters, and child molesters. Women convinced that the only way to save humanity is to get rid of men and find another method of reproducing. Maybe cloning, or just try to make like an amoeba.
I didn't always feel like this, partly because when I was single my family didn't have cable. If we did I would have seen Lifetime and probably would never have married. But after I got married, the condo we moved into had cable, and I got to watch Lifetime.
At first it seemed kind of neat that they had a station that geared itself to women. But after awhile I noticed something. If you want to find the villain on any of the movies, just look for the husband/boyfriend. You can bet your last Midol that as you are reading this, right now on Lifetime some hapless yet saintly woman is currently slogging through a brutal marriage to a wife-beater/animal abuser/alcoholic/adulterer/drug abuser/ homicidal lunatic. How did she end up with this meathead in the first place? That is a subject rarely explained--it would actually be helpful if they would explain that part, because then a single woman would know what to look out for:
Attractive Man: "Can I have your phone number?"
You: "Tell me about yourself."
Attractive Man: "Well, I have a degree and make a ton of money!"
You: "What do you do for fun?"
Attractive Man: "Well, I do like to get drunk and torture animals."
You: "Uhh..."
Attractive Man: "Please? All my ex-girlfriends have put out restraining orders on me--they won't give me a chance--hey, come back here! No! no! Not pepper spray again!"
But the Lifetime movies rarely explain.  So by the time the movie ends, most women will be eying their husbands doubtfully. Because frequently these movies come with the tag line, "Based on a true story." And Lifetime plays a lot of these movies, "based on a true story." You will notice also that in these movies, the men are frequently in cahoots:Evil husband beats brave but pitiful wife who bravely calls the police, and a sneering male cop knocks at the door. He sneers at her pitiful tale, before he and the evil husband sneeringly share an evil laugh, twirl their mustaches in an evil fashion, and plan to meet later at the  Evil Man Secret Headquarters for drinks and appetizers before they place their bets on tonight's rooster fight. They agree that the Fried Kittens served at Evil Man Secret Headquarters are better than the Puppy Soup, and the cop leaves, promising not to take any more phone calls from this residence, unless it involves free heroin.
Or, if there isn't a movie, you can watch a talk show. The subjects will be as follows: Husbands/boyfriends who are abusive/cruel to animals/unfaithful/addicted to various substances; eating disorders, self-mutilation, child abuse, surviving criminal assault. All valid subjects--everybody should know about these things. But if this  is all that's going on in your life, you need to turn on the TV and leave town, fast.
Or maybe there's a "comedy" show on, a show so wildly funny they put in a laugh track to tell you where the jokes are. We are probably the only civilization in the history of Planet Earth that has learned to laugh on cue.
Can we stop all this? Please?
Lifetime, you want to make my day a little brighter? Give me something I can use. How about a show where a plumbing expert comes on and tells you, in detail, how to repair/replace a leaky faucet, repair/replace a toilet, or use a snake to unclog a pipe? How about a show where somebody shows you how to change your oil, or how to change a tire?
You want to give me a movie that makes me want to grab a bowl of popcorn and sit back? Two words: Romantic. Comedy. The Princess Bride, Sense and Sensibility, and yes, even Pirates of the Caribbean were wildly popular. They've made bazillions of dollars. Guess why? Because they were romantic. And funny, for crying out loud! Can you do funny? Without a laugh track?
How about a show that helps you with cooking? When I say "cooking," I don't mean one of those shows where insanely expensive ingredients come already chopped and pre-measured in little glass bowls. I don't have any of those stupid little bowls. They'd get broken in my dishwasher anyway. And what makes you think I keep stuff like caper berries on premises? Give me something new and interesting I can do with pinto beans. I got bean soup and refried beans. I'm out of ideas.
My husband has no idea what to do with pinto beans, so he will thank you, too. He doesn't beat me, except at Scrabble. He's kind to animals. He occasionally drinks beer. He hates illegal drugs. He thinks we need to bring back the stocks for men who cheat on/beat their wives. He's not one of the husbands on your station. In fact, I seriously doubt most husbands are like the guys on your station.


© Copyright 2019 Helena Parris. All rights reserved.

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