Empty Closets

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I chose miscellaneous for this story because it's about me and it's true. I just wanted to write about what I was feeling while I was going through what felt like hell reguarding my sexuality.

Submitted: December 09, 2015

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Submitted: December 09, 2015

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“When I was growing up, I found people to whom it didn't matter who I was - just the fact that I was a metal fan. The thing about metal fans is we're all so opinionated and severe in our personalities, but there's also a real form of acceptance and equality taking place within the fandom that should translate to other areas of life, as well.” - Corey Taylor

 

 How can one love another if one doesn’t even love herself?

First, I questioned my sexual attraction to the same gender at a young age with confusion. I denied the fact of accepting that I was possibly gay and experienced loneliness. I then found acceptance in myself as being gay. Finally, I’m okay with who I am and no longer question my sexuality. I admitted my sexuality preference to a loved one and received support in embracing my true self. I feel like the happiest person in the world knowing that I’m a part of an absolutely beautiful community of love, joy, pride and acceptance. I now express myself openly and take pride in LGBT. Now, I’m happy. Now I’m going to describe my five stages of coming out in detail as best as I can.

 

As a child I’ve always felt this “weirdness” towards other girls. However, I grew up in a Christian household and attended church all my life. I was a strong believer in Christian ways and still am. Of course being 9 years old and hearing about sins in church frightened me; therefore, I did my best to try not to commit any. Until I couldn’t help but notice how much I couldn’t stop staring at other girls. That scared me and it made me hate myself. How could I? A Christian child, a child of god, a child of my Christian parents. I told myself I must be sick in the head to look at another girl in a romantic way. Consequently, I had this unbelievable cluster of confusion prancing around in my head. I never mentioned it to anyone, especially my parents. I knew better and tried to brush off the thought. It was impossible not to question my sexuality because the more I tried not to think about it, the deeper it dug the hole in my head. Like a blister on an awkward part of your body, this irritated me more than anything. I swear it like was a pimple that just popped up out of nowhere and decided to make itself at home by sticking around throughout my childhood. The questioning of my sexuality stressed, frustrated, worried and annoyed me for 10 years. It was a constant battle in my head of my feelings and confusion. I had endless questions of trying to figure out what was wrong with me and figure out why I felt the way I did.

 

As I grew I started to get really worried. Mostly because I didn’t know if I liked girls or boys and felt like I had to pick one but which? I have no idea. Until now, bisexuality was a foreign word to me. I was only educated as far as knowing of gay and lesbian existing. In brief, I actually decided I was a lesbian for about a year. I had relationships with other girls and enjoyed them. After several lesbian relationships, I started to get these feelings for my guy friend. I then missed being straight and converted back. I received a letter from my at the time girlfriend, Jasira. Meanwhile,my parents had reached the letter before I got to. My parents were furious and I honestly wanted to jump out of my window that night because it was so painful emotionally. When my parents called my name and told me to sit down, my dad threw a letter on the table. He told me to open it and read it out loud. I opened it and read it. I still hadn’t told anyone about my confusion let alone my relationships with other girls so when the news broke, I knew I was in for it. After a long dreadful night of heartache from both my parents and myself included, my mom decided to end the night by saying I was going through a phase. I agreed with her verbally even though inside I knew I didn’t but I just wanted to end the night. I then told my mom the next day that I didn’t like girls anymore and left it at that. After that night, I denied myself more than ever and struggled so much to love myself. I couldn’t stand myself. I hated me.

 

I later discovered that I didn’t have to choose one gender to be attracted to. Imagine my surprise. I was seeking answers online and found some. I learned about the LGBT community and what the B in LGBT meant. I told myself I must be bisexual since I’m attracted to both genders, my own and the opposite of me. I looked more into bisexuality and it felt like finding the missing piece to a puzzle. It fit how I felt about both genders. Learning about bisexuality took away the loneliness I was drowning in. I felt better as if I was finally recovering from sickness. I accepted myself as being bisexual. Now that I had accepted my feelings and who I am, I slowly began to feel better inside. That my sexual preference was totally fine and completely normal. With the help of my therapist I put the fact of religion aside. I asked him how can someone be Christian and gay? He answered back with why not? Then I really began to think about it. He was right in a way, why not? A Christian is suppose to be a follower of God who is all about love and compassion, not hatred and discrimination. I began looking for others who were gay, lesbian or bisexual to see what their religious beliefs were. I came across a video from a channel on YouTube that I actually watch often. An interviewer asked people of the LGBT community if it was possible to be a homosexual and still have religious beliefs. The answer was so simple and open. In fact many of the answers were Christianity. That video really made me think and helped me with my question of if it was possible to be homosexual and still have religious beliefs. Understandably, some Christians wouldn’t agree with this. That was one of my main concerns though that stopped me from accepting myself. Religion is a big part of my life and the religion I believe in has a huge impact on my perspective on life in general.

 

Admitting who I am is something I obviously don’t look forward to telling my parents. I decided that I’m not ready to face them yet. No one knows I’m bisexual other than the people I’ve had relations with. I recently came out to someone very close to me about 3 months ago. I told her that I feel attracted to girls and she thought I was lesbian. I then explained that I’m attracted to both genders, guys and girls. Bi means two so bisexual means you’re attracted emotionally and physically to the gender opposite of you along with the same gender as yourself. She ended up coming out to me too. I thought it was pretty funny to be honest. But then again I kind of figured since she made it so obvious. She told me that she had came out to her parents about being bisexual and that her dad supported her but her mom wasn’t fond of it. She said her dad told her that he wouldn’t care if she walks down the aisle with a guy or girl as long as she’s happy. I know my parents too well to expect a response like that from them. They already gave me their response and opinion that one night. They pretty much let all their feelings and thoughts out about gays. It was clear they didn’t like it and made me feel so worthless. Like I had an incurable disease of something far worse than cancer. Something that I had given myself that wasn’t even a disease in reality. I had a sickness that was all in my head as my mom put it. In truth I had no one to come out to who would support me. My parents, family and friends had made it clear that they weren’t for gay couples and have very strong dislikes towards them. They don’t know it hurts me whenever they make their harsh remarks and negative comments about homosexuals. I feel all better now that I’ve taken a step into admitting who I am. Telling my cousin made me feel like I was an open book. Everything that’s been hidden away inside me was now released and now longer piercing my insides. Like a thousand weights had lifted off my shoulders and gone away. She told me I can’t help who I’m attracted to and that there’s nothing wrong with me. That she’ll support me when I’m ready to tell my parents and family. I felt so relieved getting positive feedback for the first time from someone I care about.


The final stage in coming out is being free. You feel like the happiest person in the world knowing that you’re part of a community that understands how you feel and doesn’t question it or wrong you or shame you for it. You’re glad you went through all those stages of suffering because it meant the ending of a whole new beginning of pride. You celebrate who you with others just like you. You’re proud of who you are. You get to meet so many people who do support and accept you. It’s like the lie you carried around grew up into the truth and no one can tell you that you’re wrong because of something that has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. Being happy is the only thing that matters and if that means you have to go through five or ten stages of struggle and confusion then so be it. Surround yourself with positivity and love. Don’t hate those who reject you and disown you. Forgive and forget and move on. If someone doesn’t approve that’s okay because you’re not asking for their approval anyway. I use to waste my time with worrying about those who I already knew wouldn’t support me when it didn’t matter in reality because being bisexual doesn’t change who I am as a person. I’m just being honest and open with myself because it makes me happy. It’s who I am and no one can change that. The hole inside me is filled with happiness and compassion. Sometimes you just that one person to know who you are inside and out 100% and hear them say that it doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy. Express yourself and take pride in LGBT.


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