Those Journies to Fall From

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A lost girl finds herself stumbling around everyday pressures.

Submitted: July 30, 2008

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Submitted: July 30, 2008

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Losing your way is not necessarily a bad thing. However, do be careful regarding the thin line between losing your way, and losing yourself.
 
Imagine.
I want you to imagine the most beautiful thing you can. But then; the petals on that lavender flower you once pictured are gone. The sunset is covered by a dark mass of clouds, threatening to storm at any second; the flowing gown trimmed with lace & finished with a bow is covered in a grape juice stain. Your beautiful picture is wrecked.
Every single person in this world embarks on a journey at some point in their lives; a journey that is taken to discover the depths of themselves and determine who they are meant to be. This journey can be painless, or perhaps painful. You never know.
She believes that she has ventured across the universe on this journey. However, where is her happy ending? Who is she, and why is it that she is so full of question and confusion? Her journey seems to have lost its conclusion. How is there a beginning with no ending?
Now to go back to that beautiful image that had entered your mind.
Everyone will tell you that life is what you make it. If you are good to people, then good things will happen to you; what light you bring to others lives will reflect back and lead to warmth in your own life. Everyone will tell you that what you do affects each and every one of your surroundings, and everyone will tell you that you can make a difference. Don’t get this wrong, I fully agree. It’s just that every time she does something incredible, all it does is backfire on her. It’s an opposite to her, really, because everything is so opposed to her.
 
She had, and still has, it all. A great life, pretty perfect with almost every detail. She had amazing friends, the sweetest boyfriend, and a healthy and wealthy family. She was one of the popular ones at school; sweet, caring, open-minded athlete. She could be anything she wanted in the world. But somewhere in all that perfectness, all that layers of good things about her and good things going for her, something went wrong.
It hit, and it hit pretty damn hard. After a year of broken promises, tears, no sleep, and shameless acting, everything came to a stop. Everything had come to a loose string, a broken end. And it all started when things finally worked themselves out, and everything was supposed to be perfect for once. Nothing’s perfect, though; inside, out or in between. The truth is, everyone and everything has at least one crack.
She lost herself. She lost herself like leaves are lost in the wind and bracelets can be lost in the water. She could spend hours by herself, staring at nothing in particular and really not have anything on her mind. It was like her whole world was blank; draining from her by every blink of her emerald-blue eyes. Things seemed unfulfilled, distant, and impossible. When she tried to think: nothing. When she didn’t try, there was something on her mind alright, and it was crushing her, but she had no idea what it was.
School was pretty hard. She was forced to be the same girl that everyone knew and cared for; the cheery, confident girl that knew where she was going. She hated always being stuck, pretending she was something that she absolutely wasn’t. She was good at it though, so no one ever knew.
The next step for her was depression. She was leading herself into a world of hopelessness and loneliness without being given the option to turn back and get a refund. She cried for no reason, and she was always sad. Out of it is the correct term, I believe. Space was her only true friend, but she found it incredibly hard to be alone with her thoughts. She dreaded being with people, yet she intensely hated going to bed, and dreaming. Her depression never led to anything terrible, at least yet. After being caught at one of her worst meltdowns by a coach, she did decide to try to get some help, but her parents would not support this. They were too fooled by the front that she was hiding behind.
At around the same time as the decision about getting help was made, the anorexia-type-behaviour started. She knew better. It wasn’t that she thought she was really fat, at first; it started because she found herself too tense to eat, and that eating took too much energy. Although she knew, each step, that it was crazy, things were getting serious. She had lost a total of six pounds before she stopped giving in. Her head took over, and albeit she was so screwed up, something told her to force food into her. With a friend by her side, she took charge, and started eating full meals once again.
The anorexia-type-behaviour hasn’t subsided, and I don’t think it will for some time. At least, not until her head will clear up, and, honestly, who knows? That could take awhile.
 
I’d like to tell you that this all works out in the end, and she goes back to living a normal life. I’d like to tell you that she comes back and everyone sees the huge bright twinkle in her eyes and smile, but I don’t really feel the need to lie. A year later, things have only gotten worse and worse. Maybe she will be totally fine. Maybe this is only part of her journey. But nobody, nobody, should have to be this screwed up so close to the end of the path.
She lies, she steals, she hurts with intention, and she talks about people behind their backs. She’s confused and heartbroken, depressed and emotionally unstable. She’s everything she never wanted to be, but feels she has no grip on her life, so can’t control her outbursts and intensely awful actions.
So a lesson to learn; don’t forget who you are just because you are beginning a new journey. Where you’ve been and what you’ve done helps you get along the pathway you need to take. Don’t forget who you were, because one day, you’re going to need your past, and you’re going to need the memory of the times when everything was so black and white; straight-forward and simple.


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