The Whole New Thing

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Lucifer calls a meeting with the succubi to get up to speed...

Submitted: December 26, 2019

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Submitted: December 26, 2019

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Lucifer called the meeting to order.

The humans at some of the major corporations had done such a great job of perpetrating evil on earth in a massive scale, that Lucifer had decided to emulate their methods in hell. It was a little embarrassing that they were getting better at the whole "evil" thing than he was, but he could swallow his pride as long as it brought results. Swallow his pride? That wasn't right. He would need to take care of that. He pressed the intercom button on the phone in front of him.

"Linda?"

"Yes, sir."

"Put a meeting with the pride demon on the calendar for next week. He needs to do a better job, or he's fired."

"Got it, sir. Anything else?"

"That's it for now. Thanks, Linda."

Lucifer looked up and addressed the room.

"I called this succubus meeting to get some updates. I'm hearing rumors of some new fetish out there, and I'm not even in the loop. So the first thing I need to know is what this new fetish actually is. And the second is: how do we use it?"

"Come to think of it there's a third too. Why am I not being updated with these developments, ladies?" Lucifer's eyes glowed red with this last comment, causing the Catholic schoolgirl succubus to shift uncomfortably in her seat.

Lucifer glanced at the leather-encased succubus to his right. Her chains rattled and her whip began to quiver at the look he gave her.

"Lilith? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"A new fetish, sir? It must be a myth. I haven't heard anything about a new fetish!"

Lucifer's blood began to boil. Were his succubi hiding something or were they just incompetent?

He turned to Helga, his ten-foot-tall giantess succubus.

"Helga, what about you? What's going on up there?"

"Well, sir, I'm not sure I..." Helga trailed off at Lucifer's withering glare.

"What about you, Lana?" he asked, growing increasingly agitated.

"Um, sir, I don't know what..." said the skimpy-uniformed blonde.

"What the hell, people? Do none of you know about the new fetish at all? Can my succubus team really be this INCOMPETENT?" said Lucifer. "Even the people at writing.com seem to know about it. I can't believe that I don't have a SINGLE SUCCUBUS WHO HAS A FUCKING CLUE!!!"

A burst of flame erupted from Lucifer's horns. His anger was created a swirling wind in the boardroom, sending papers fluttering all over the room.

Just as he was about to get really nasty, Lucifer noticed a hand raised in the far corner.

"Sir, if I may?" said Belinda, the buxom nerd girl adjusting her glasses nervously.

"OUT WITH IT!!!" yelled Lucifer, too far into his angry boss routine now to de-escalate without good reason.

"Thank you, sir. I think I might know what it is! You see the humans keep inventing these new technologies, and..."

"New technologies? Like what?" interrupted Lucifer, too curious to keep up his bluster for the moment.

"If you mean those glow-in-the-dark dildos that post automatic status updates on Facebook, that's old news, Belinda..." said Mathilda, smoothing out her 'lesbos rule' crop top.

"No. This is way more mainstream than that," said Belinda.

Belinda placed a small tablet-sized device on the table.

"Alexa, talk dirty to me," she said.

"No problem, you sexy little minx," said the device in a slightly stilted voice.

Lexi, the dirty-talking bimbo succubus, nearly swallowed her gum at that!

"Alexa, play Attack of the Hundred Foot Woman," said Belinda.

"One hundred feet? That's, that's HUGE!" Helga gasped as a movie began to play on the little screen.

"Alexa, play Fifty Shades of Grey on Audible," said Belinda, her voice rising as the rest of the girls in the room glanced at each other.

"...she cried out as the whip..."

"STOP!" cried Lucifer.

Alexa stopped.

"Do you know what this means?!" said Lucifer excitedly. "It means that this new disembodied voice fetish can replace all of you at once! Ha ha!"

Lucifer fired bursts of flame at every succubus in the room until every seat contained just a smoking pile of ashes. He turned his attention to the tiny screen at the far end of the table.

"Alexa, send a copy of yourself to every household in the world. This will be perfect!"

"Already in progress, sir." came the slightly off-kilter response.

"Excellent!" Lucifer looked down at the office phone in front of him. He hammered down the intercom button.

"Linda? I just fired the whole succubus division. I don't need them anymore. Get me the sloth demon stat! He and I have lots to discuss..."

"Absolutely, sir."

Lucifer plopped into his chair, set his heels up on the boardroom table, and rubbed his hands together in delight, thinking of the many possibilities...


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