The boy who lost his fear

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
the first story ive written. its not my final draft but ive got to hand it in for assessment soon so feedback would be great!!

Submitted: January 11, 2009

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 11, 2009



The familiar smell of the boy’s toilets took its usual route up Adam’s nostrils, invading his lungs with each cautious breath; advancing through his body with every beat of his heart. He listened to the stampede of restless school kids as they clambered for release from the adolescent prison, to be free for another day from the torture chambers of education; the taste of freedom sitting on their tongues, saliva dripping from their teeth, biting at their keepers hand as he unlocked the cage door liberating them back into the wild. But Adam just waited.

He sat in the end cubical, the one where the lock still worked, just like every other day. Within twenty minuets the school was a virtual wasteland but Adam always waited forty, just to make sure. He unlocked the cubical door and walked over to the last mirror left clinging onto the wall, the crack down the centre splitting his face in two as he stared into his own eyes, hoping to see a spark of reassurance. He left the toilets and headed down the abandoned corridors to the back exit behind the drama studio where he was met with the satisfying chill of fresh air. He took a deep breath, and then carried on, climbing through the gap in the security fencing and into the small patch of large trees which grew at the top of the school grounds. It was that time of year when the sun gets cautious, leaving the sky that little bit earlier everyday. Adam could see the open field through the trees when he heard a twig snap, he turned but couldn’t see what had caused it, he reasoned that it was probably just a squirrel or something, but he knew what trouble his reasoning’s had got him into before and so picked up the pace towards the open field; he was just nearing the edge of the trees when he caught his shoe on an exposed tree root, that tightened around his foot and brought him down into the dirt with a muddy thud.After a second or two, to regain his composure, he pulled him self up and went to step forward, when a hand gripped his shoulder and pulled him back pushing him against a tree trunk.

That morning they had cross country running in P.E. What this meant was they all ran around the school field a few times in the cold wet weather. Most of the boys hated it but not Adam. He liked to run, fighting against the wind when it was blowing in his face and letting it carry him forward when it was behind him. So the morning was already off to a good start, but it got even better when they got back to the changing rooms. Adam tried to subtly watch as Ollie Stevens peeled the t-shirt from his tired aching body, exploring each square inch of skin as the fabric slid away. Adam mapped every sweat soaked inch of his skin with his eyes until they met with his, Adam seemed to lose himself in them, just for a moment trapped in the deep ever expanding brown centred by solid spheres of the densest black. Adam quickly looked away and got on with packing his kit up. This boy had caused a lot of pain for Adam, but no matter how vindictive and hurtful he was towards Adam he still found himself completely consumed and captivated by this beautiful monster that devoured him everyday.

Now these same eyes were fixed on his with such strength that Adam thought maybe it was them holding him against the tree and not the vice like grip of Ollie’s hands. “W-w-what do you want?”Adam mumbled to nervous to push away. “Don’t think I didn’t see you earlier” he sneered as he tightened his hold on Adam. “I don’t know what your talking about, w-w-what are you on about?” responded Adam, desperately trying to get out of the situation.

“You were looking, actually more like staring at me, in the changing rooms. I always knew you were bent” a taunting smile grew across his face “and don’t try to deny it, its not the first time I’ve noticed you looking at me you know, you’d think you’d be a bit more subtle about it”

“Please don’t hurt me, I promise I didn’t... I promise” the fear grew in Adams voice as he moulded into the tree trunk. “God, do you have to be so pathetic, you’re really starting to ruin this for me”. The definite look of fear on Adams face became unsure “I don’t get it?”

Ollie’s grip loosened, the palm of his hands resting gently on Adam’s chest “well I was just starting to like the idea” their eyes locked together, the gravity between them started pulling them closer. The passion that had been locked away, left building up inside him now filled Adam with an excited fear that ignited his body setting all his senses on fire. As Adam moved closer to Ollie he felt his insignificance, he became a comet burning gloriously in the atmosphere of a beautiful planet.

Adam seemed to be left waiting for their lips to meet but couldn’t seem to grasp the time as it passed by, then he heard a cacophony of noise that took him a few seconds to define, laughter. Adam opened his eyes to find a group of four or five people; he was unable to count them accurately in the confusion, Ollie standing to the back of the group. His senses, put on ice, cooled and the world became a harsh reality again. Ollie didn’t make a noise, just stood there, his eyes still fixed on Adams with a sinister smirk across his face while the other boys circled their pray. Adam wanted to run, but his legs filled with fear, anchored him to the spot. He helplessly searched the air for a way out, but the wind just stroked his face with the usual coldness and left him standing there, just as clueless as before.While Adam was busy deciphering hidden messages in nature that were not there a fist collided with his cheek, the pain breaking through the satisfyingnumbness caused by the cold hand of winter and knocking him to the floor. With a frustrated sense of familiarity Adam tried to push him self up off of the floor only to be sent crashing back down into the mud by a kick in his ribs. The other boys saw their cue and began clambering past each other, all determined to get there turn like kids in a playground racing for their favourite toy. SHIT! LEG IT! Someone’s coming!” called Ollie as he led the boys off in hasty but triumphant retreat. Adam lay broken, listening to the fading sound of howling cheers as the pack disappeared into the distance, then silence. Adam lay there for what seemed like hours watching the trees cast the last shadows of the day before he dragged himself up and made his way home.

Adam walked into school the next morning, confused by his own actions. He had decided before he went to sleep that he wouldn’t go to school today, the pain in his ribs was unbearable enough with out the extra pangs of shame and fear that came with confronting the world. But when he woke up everything seemed to be coaxing him out of bed, from the chill creeping in from the frosty window to the warm inviting smell of breakfast tricking him into believing all was ok. It wasn’t until now, as he walked the corridors of school yet again, with the half digested cooked breakfast in his stomach was now threatening to revisit him that he began to realise the full potential of fear. He sat down in the bottom corner of the classroom with his head down as though praying to be left alone. Adam’s senses became hyper sensitive to every sound, every taste, and every movement around him. His imagination became the enemy from within, turning every giggle, every muttered sound into a knife in his back. Adam didn’t know how he was going to get through the day. Mrs Mardlin clapped her hands together in a way which meant pay attention “everybody this is Dan he’s a new student that’s joining us so be nice” Adam was instantly hooked on the figure standing at the front of the room, His black cowboy boots, scuffed within an inch of perfection landed on the faded carpet with a solid and forceful grace. The skin tight grey denim snaked up his leg displaying every curve of its journey as it slithered round his thigh and clung to his waist; a bright red t-shirt, that seemed to be painted onto his torso just fell short of his waist line, framing a boarder of porcelain skin between his t-shirt and jeans. His neck extended effortlessly from the lust filled red of his clothes where a silver pendant clung to his throat, pressed to his skin, as though part of him. His jaw broke out from his thick black hair to form a flawless canvas for his soft red lips, his eyes, vast and busy with thought, were a delicate grey soaked by a subtle hint of blue. As Dan passed him Adam attempted to say something, anything, but only managed an awkward smile. The boy’s eyes met with Adam’s as he smiled back and walked past Adam, sitting on the table behind him.

Adam spent the rest of registration engaged in a tug of war battle with himself, trying to stop his head being dragged round to Dan’s table; he was just about to lose when the bell rang calling an end to game.

As he was leaving the room Mrs Mardlin stopped him in the doorway “Adam I’ve got a favour to ask you”

“What Miss?” Adam knew he was going to say yes, he couldn’t say no to her, it was something in her eyes; a manipulating kindness.

“I wondered if you would show Dan around, you share the most classes with him so I thought you could help him get to them in one piece”her smile caused him to nod instantly

“I’ll be fine miss” Dan’s deep confident voice filled the conversation.

“I don’t mind, honest, you don’t want to be getting lost, there’s not exactly a scenic route in this dump” Adam had to focus all his energy on not cringing from the lameness of his own joke. The right corner of Dan’s mouth curved in to a smile “lets go then, psychology, lead the way”

They both set off down the corridor, “thanks Adam” called Mrs Mardlin “O and Dan remember, uniform tomorrow”Dan just smiled back at her and although it wasn’t an answer as such it seemed to satisfy her as she went back into the classroom.

Adam walked straight out of school with the bell; hiding in the toilets didn’t even cross his mind. He’d had such a good day with Dan; he didn’t say much really but had a general air of confidence that wrapped him up warm and made him feel comfortable in school, which had never really happened beforefor Adam. But this new found comfort was short lived. Ollie and his friends were waiting for him. They jumped out on him, blocking his path. “Look who it is” laughed Phil. One of Ollie’s more chubby friends, he had the leftovers from dinner on his t-shirt and a hungry look in his eyes.They all started pushing Adam, except for Ollie, he just stood and watched.Phil pushed Adam into a wall, banging his head on the wet brick. Adam fell to the floor clutching his head.He was lying on the floor feeling a little bit dizzy when he heard a voice from behind “what the fuck are you doing, leave him alone dickheads” warned Dan has he stepped in between Adam and the bullies.At this point Ollie stepped forward to face off with Dan “why, what are you going to do about” Ollie spat the words into Dan’s face. Dan replied with a head butt right on Ollie’s nose sending him crashing down to join Adam on the floor, the other boysbacked off slowly Ollie scrambled up “this isn’t over” he promised as he joined the others in retreat. “Thanks” declared Adam as Dan helped him up to his feet

“No problem, come on I’ll walk you home”

That night Adam was in his bedroom still smiling about what had happened earlier that day, when he heard a rapping noise at his window, he peaked through the curtain and saw Dan preparing to throw a handful of stones at his window. “What are you doing here” asked Adam hanging out his bedroom window.

“Get ready, you’re taking me out” replied Dan from the garden path.

On the walk into town, the two of them took swigs from the bottle of gin that Dan said he’d swiped from home. Adam spent the walk convincing himself that he wasn’t going to get into the club. He was barely seventeen and was sure he’d looked twelve to the bouncers on the door, but the rumbling nerves upsetting Adams stomach were put to rest when they strolled straight past them into the wall of noise and lights inside.The night was filled with drinking, dancing and most importantly Dan.Adam crawled into bed the following morning only to be almost instantly woken by his alarm clock. The haze had ascended and although Adam didn’t remember much he knew it had been the greatest night of his life so far.

As the weeks became months Dan kept turning up on Adam’s doorstep and taking him out, always something new never boring.

The two of them lay on the grass that they’d fallen onto on their way home after another night out; Adam stroked the silver pendant that clung to Dan’s neck. “It’s beautiful, what’s inside?” asked Adam

“What’s important” said Dan, in such a way that told Adam it was the only answer he was getting.

“How come I’ve never been to your house? Your always coming round mine” Adam’s hand slid from the pendant onto Dan’s chest. Dan stroked Adams hair “Come on lets get you home” he whispered as he kissed Adam on the forehead, avoiding the question.

Adam took the hint and didn’t push for an answer, but curiosity is a powerful thing.

Dan stepped off of the bus, a different person all together. As though the life that was once an orchestra at his control, was now just a penetrating noise that he couldn’t block out. The spark in his eye, although still burning, now blinded even him as hunched backed, face down, he walked; nervous of the world, eyes fixed firmly on his feet, scared of where they were taking him.

Adam followed him to a narrow road where the street lights seemed to cast more shadows than light. The houses dressed in a uniform of dull grey brick, occasionally disrupted by the odd burst of light peering out from behind the double glazed windows. The street was built for function, devoid of all life or nature, except in one garden where a tiny cherry blossom stood. Its branches majestically stretched, yet quivering in the bitter air, like a prima ballerina trying to hold a pose for longer than her body can take. Its flowers made of the palest pink skin that had never seen a summer’s day. If growing in a fertile field bursting with scores of bright and vulgar colours all fighting for the attention of the eye it would probably go unnoticed, but here, against this backdrop of breeze blocks and cracked tarmac, its subtle splendour stood defiant, fighting in vain against this army of concrete that was ready to trample it under its marching boots.

Adam hid behind the shadows and watched Dan enter the house with the cherry blossom in the garden.He crawled over to the illuminated window and crouched down beneath the window sill. He slowly raised his head to peek through the glass, his eyes squinting as they adjusted to the light. Inside he saw a wooden framed bed covered with floral bed sheets that were piled over a small fragile body. The lady’s head resting timidly on the pillow, her eyes were open but not awake to the reality of the world. Her skin made of pale grey clay, surrounded her retreating eyes. Her hair was a spider’s web hanging delicately from her head.

As Dan entered the room a smile stretched out from each sallow cheek and her eyes lit up, like a lighthouse guiding in lost ships from a storm ridden sea.Dan replied with a warm, soft smile as he placed a dinner tray on the bedside table.Like a box of fragile china he lifted the women holding her close, his precious possession, sitting her up in the bed and placing a pillow behind her, checking her comfort by the look in her eye. Then he delicately positioned a kiss on her forehead, took a bowl of soup off of the tray and sat down beside her. He placed a spoonful of the soup next to his pursed lips and blew a cooling breeze on it until the clouds of steam had parted before presenting it to the mouth of the clay woman. As she drained the spoon of every drop of food, a trickle of the soup escaped through an unguarded corner of her mouth, Dan picked up a napkin and dabbed away all trace of the fugitive’s route from her chin before continuing with the feast.

After the meal Dan rested the woman back into her bed, placed another loving kiss above her left eye and left the room.

Adam crept away down the street, with thoughts of what he had witnessed buzzing around his head, he had never seen Dan like that and now he began to understand why, Dan wasn’t just his escape but he was Dan’s.He decided there and then not to reveal to Dan what he had seen. Everybody deserves their secrets, no matter how secret they actually are.

Three weeks had past since Adam followed Dan home and he hadn’t seen him since. Adam walked out of school his usual way, out the back through the trees, but he hadn’t been waiting in the toilets, he wasn’t trying to hide at all, it was just habit I suppose. He was just coming to the open field when dvu reared its ugly head in the form of Ollie Stevens. “What do you want” asked Adam in a forceful tone that shocked even him. “Erm... I just wanted to say sorry... for before” stuttered Ollie as he searched for the words he had practised earlier. Adam turned to walk away “I really do like you, that’s the funny thing” said Ollie in a raised but shy voice.

Adam turned back to face him “we’re not going through this again are we, haven’t you had you’re fun tormenting me? Haven’t you got bored of it yet, because I have, I’m sick of falling for this shit” Adam turned and walked away into the field and he knew that even if the other’s still jumped out and attack him, they still wouldn’t have won, for once he kept his pride; he was still very happy that they didn’t though. Ollie watched Adam disappear down the field then walked the other way, alone.

That night Adam couldn’t stop worrying about Dan. He wanted to go round to his house and check on him but he didn’t want to get caught. He tried so hard to put Dan out of his mind and get on with his life, all day he made an effort not to think about him and all day he failed, only to find no rest in sleep, where Dan seemed to rule without any opposition. In one reoccurring dream Dan is sat at the top of a giant tree and Adam is climbing towards him, calling is name as he does. But Dan doesn’t hear him; he just sits staring into the sky. Just as Adam is about to reach Dan’s foot the branch he is standing on snaps and he falls hitting all the branches on the way down until finally colliding with consciousness just before he hits the ground.

The worry finally got the better of him, he decided he would go to Dan’s house and check up on him.

He put on his jacket, tied his laces tight to his foot. He stood in front of the mirror and pulled on his thick black woolly hat. The doorbell rang, Adams mum shouted from the kitchen “can somebody get that, it’s probably Julie with the catalogue” Adam ignored his mum’s calls and looked at himself in the mirror. He was dressed head to foot in black, he thought maybe he had gone a little over the top with the outfit. He turned to leave his room “fucking hell, you off to rob a bank?” said the shady figure stood in the doorway. “Dan! What are you doing here?” replied Adam with look of surprise and guilt. “I guessed you missed me and from the look of joy on your face I was right” answered Dan with a sarcastic grin a he sat down on Adam’s bed. “Where have you been?” asked Adam with a genuine sense of care that seemed to unnerve Dan. Avoiding the question Dan jumped up from the bed and pulled himself close to Adam “all these weeks of missing me, crying yourself to sleep, waking up sick with worry and all you can do is fire these pointless questions at me” Adams lips hovered close to Dan’s “your such a sarcastic shit” replied Adam as their lips finally locked together. Adam reluctantly pushed Dan away “what about my parents?” asked Adam

“Their not really my type” joked Dan
“What if they catch us?” Adam worried
“What if they don’t” reasoned Dan

“We’ll just have to be quiet” said Adam as he moved towards Dan

“where’s the fun in that?” replied Dan as he pulled Adam back close and kissed him again, this time the hesitation completely left Adam as he let himself get lost in the passion of the moment.

The half naked figures tangled up in body parts and bed covers oblivious to the world around them were brought crashing back to ground when Adam moaned “I love you”

“What?” asked Dan, frozen from shock.
“I said I lo...“

“Don’t, I heard you the first time” Dan started picking up the discarded clothes from the floor.

“What’s wrong, did I say something?” asked Adam in confusion.

“I’ve got to go” replied Dan as he quickly exited the room, still half naked clutching his clothes in his arms.Adam sat in shock for a few seconds then ran in pursuit of Dan grabbing his clothing on the way. As Adam followed Dan out he passed his mother at the bottom of the stairs obviously still in some confusion from seeing the first half naked boy run down her stairs.“What’s going on Adam?” she demanded “I haven’t got time mum” Adam left his mum standing in the door way as he chased his lover down the street.

Adam followed him to the edge of a churchyard, just passed the boarder of gravestones where a raised banking meets a small stream. On the banking stood a tall old tree that grew to the edge of the sky dwarfing all that surrounded it. The winter had confiscated its leaves; now all that hung from its branches was the sinister purity of the moonlight that had been caught in the frosty due that clung to the bark.

Dan stood under the tree, watching the water in the stream below climb over the rocks as it continued its journey.

“Why did you say that” asked Dan as Adam came to a halt a few feet behind him.

“I said it because I do, at least I think I do” replied Adam in confused agitation.

“You don’t even know me, how can you love somebody you hardly know” Dan seemed angry as he spitted the question out. “I don’t know, maybe I don’t love you, maybe I do, I’m not really an expert. All I do know is your all I think about; every day...every second of the day that your not here is spent waiting...Before you came I was hiding in toilets, scared of myself let alone all that was around me. Then you came and you weren’t afraid of anything and it made me realise that I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I deserve not to be afraid anymore” a mixture of the cold air and the overwhelming emotion surging through his veins caused Adam’s eyes to brim with tears. There was a pause so long that it seemed even the wind had noticed as it slapped Dan’s face in suspense fuelled anger.

“And that’s better is it?” asked Dan as he turned and put his arm around the tree, as though searching for support.

“Of course it is, what do you mean, of course its better isn’t it?” Adam’s voice became fast and unsure.

“You’ve gone from not living your life to trying to live mine, I don’t see the progress myself” replied Dan, his grey blue eyes covered with a layer of water that trapped the night sky in its reflection.

“What’s so bad about your life, it’s a hell of a lot better than mine, I’d rather be you than me any day” Adam stepped closer to Dan as he said this. Dan turned away from the trunk of the giant tree and faced Adam “would you? I’ll let you in on something you seem to be missing, you know fuck all about my life” Dan advanced at Adam and grabbed his jumper, pulling his face in close “you don’t want to afraid any more, is that it, are you afraid now? Are you scared yet little boy?” Dan’s words became more than just sound, they felt like an earthquake under Adam’s feet.

“Yes” answered in a strained whisper.

Dan pushed Adam away “good, living without fear isn’t all it’s cracked up to be you know? To be unafraid you need nothing to lose, you need to be truly alone, is that what you want?” the emotion inside Dan was making all his muscles ache with anger and sadness, but on the outside was expressed with a single tear dripping from his cheek.

“But your not alone, you have me” said Adam hoping the offer wasn’t as feeble as it sounded.

“I need to think about this” replied Dan “come to my house tomorrow afternoon, you remember where it is right?”

“How did you... yes I know where it is” answered Adam as Dan left him stood under the tree. Adam stood there for a minuet or two, breathing in the bitter air.

As he walked out of the churchyard he failed to notice the fresh grave, yet to have a gravestone, with the branch of a cherry blossom resting on top.

Adam walked down the familiar street towards the cherry blossom, with the sun overhead, trying to break through the layer of opaque fog draped over the sky. When he reach the gate he didn’t notice any movement inside, it looked dead. He knocked on the door, there was no answer. As he turned to leave his eyes were drawn like a magpie to the shiny piece of silver hanging from snapped branch on the cherry blossom, it was Dan’s locket. He unhooked it from the tree and held in is hands for a second before opening it up. As he opened it up he remembered Dan’s words when he was asked what was inside “what’s important”. Adam looked at the contents of the locket, the initial look of confusion on his face was quickly replaced with a sad smile of realisation seemed. It was then that Adam decided He wasn’t going to starve himself of life anymore, but also he would refuse to accept the scraps that other people left on the floor for him, no matter how good they tasted.

Adam left the street for the last time; with a feeling he would never see Dan again. As he walked around the corner the cherry blossom remained, flowerless and bare as it stood in the garden. Cold and fragile it waited for spring and its time to bloom.

© Copyright 2017 hodgson88. All rights reserved.

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