Pointless Love?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Does he care? Or is it just another night for him with a girl willing to give him what he wants...

It’s been several months of seeing him. It started one night when I was at a bar with my girlfriends from work. He was sitting on a stool wearing a baseball hat and his usual sport clothing. He was good-looking and I wasn’t sure why I approached him. It could have been the few drinks in my system, but I like to think it was more.

Now don’t go thinking it was love at first sight or anything of the sort, because it wasn’t. I’d like to call it a mutual attraction. We drunkenly talked for an hour before he invited me to hang out afterwards. Please keep in mind I’m not the sort to do what you know is about to happen.

Because neither of us lives alone, we parked our cars in a random neighborhood. After I got into his car, which smelled like candy thanks to his cologne, we fooled around. Having sex was out of the question. He told me he never had sex unless he was in a relationship. Secretly I called it bull shit but as I got to know him, I believed him.

We met up almost once to twice a week depending on our schedules. To be honest, after the first night I never thought he would call me or even text me again. I hate admitting it but I was happy he texted me because he was really good with his fingers. I don’t say this lightly either. Most men suck at female pleasuring. Ben, well he was a different story. His hands were large, along with the rest of him. Six foot three and pretty athletic.

I wasn’t trying to only use him for sex but I also didn’t want to know why he wanted to do this either. I wondered if maybe he liked me more than he wanted to admit. Or so I hoped.

Ben has a nice face, larger lips for a white guy, and sweet eyes. He is also quite funny and likes to tease me. I love getting into his car. I look forward to it; the smell, his smile, him. But in the beginning I wasn’t into him as I’ve grown to be now.

I’m sorry If I’m confusing you. Let me explain more like a timeline.

First couple months I was seeing him, I tried to be the distant “hookup”, then I realized I couldn’t do it. I told him that.
“Look, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m not sure you’re looking for the same things I am.” I had texted him this around the start of October.

He basically said he wasn’t sure he was looking for anything either and that’s where we ended. I deleted his number, and I tried to not think about him for my own good. I mean, how could what we were doing be good?

Unfortunately for me, I was at the same bar again with my friends a couple weeks later and happened to run into….guess who?

Ben. I was tipsy and said hi. We talked and we mutually (again) agreed to “hangout” in his car in the parking lot. Afterwards I felt foolish for allowing myself to do that.
Since then, it’s been that way. We drive around sometimes, finding random places to park. One time we found a good dark location that we have been going to ever since.

Just like before the text I had sent him, I still love going to see him. I like talking to him, laughing, listening to music and dancing. I found out recently he is a really good dancer and has won awards for it. He always asks me to dance and I do (shyly). His laughs make me nervous but then he tells me he is proud I got out of my comfort zone. I know it sounds stupid but I’m glad he makes me do little things like that. He makes me feel better. Of course I don’t have the balls to tell him how I feel. I doubt I ever will.

Maybe one day he’ll tell me he cares about me more than he leads on. Sometimes I think he does by the way he asks me what’s wrong over the phone if I go quiet or I’m not texting him much. I always tell him I’m fine, but that’s bull and he knows it. Yet, he doesn’t push me. I really like that about him. Occasionally when we’re together he tickles me to get the answers out, but that fails because I like being tickled and he just gets more frustrated.

There are also the moments when he’s teasing me where he pushes my hair out of my face, or brushes his hands down my back, kisses me randomly, or smiled at my funny dancing to hip hop music. What am I supposed to think of that? He’s just trying to be nice?

I think it was around Black Friday when we both met at our bar. He was really drunk and I was too. That was the night when, for the first time, we had sex. I wanted it to happen..but not like that. More nights of our usual routine passed, without the sex of course. I’m sure he didn’t really want that to happen and would have stopped it if he were sober.

A week after Christmas had passed and I hadn’t gotten a text from him in a few days, that worried me but I figured he was busy and would text me when he wanted to hangout, or he wouldn’t and was avoiding me. I hoped it wasn’t the latter but then after a week, I began to doubt he would ever text me again. Yes, I know I could have asked him or called him, but I didn’t want to be that girl. Foolish, I know.

Then one night I had been drinking with my girlfriends at the bar we had met so many times. Secretly hoping the whole night he would show up (even if it was awkward).

When I got into my car, I could have cried and eventually did. It was partly the music choice blasting in my car, but Ben had upset me and I hated the feeling because I didn’t feel like I should feel like this especially after what he had told me.. “I don’t think I’m looking for anything in specific..”

I cried more once I thought of that moment a couple months ago, wishing he would just ask me out, or even to just be together without the “sex”.

That’s when I texted him. I pretend it was my friends messing with my phone and I sent him a bunch of gibberish.

Me: jins ieia er
Ben: Who is this?
Me: sorry, my friends were messing around with me while I was texting and if u don’t know who this is then it doesn’t matter.

( I said that last line because I thought he deleted my number and didn’t want to see me anymore.)

“Rose, is that you?”

“Oh my god, I thought I would never see you again. Someone stole my phone a week ago and I lost all my contacts. I was hoping u would text me like you usually do but then you didn’t.” I randomly text him when I’m bored. “ I went to Jordan’s bar every night this week hoping you would show up.”
That shocked me. I didn’t think he cared that much.

I can’t remember what I said after that, probably laughed and pretended like nothing was wrong.
He asked me if he could see me because he had just gotten out of work.
Another reason why I wondered why he never asked to hangout earlier, he works a lot. Like 16 hour days at the airport and the only time he can do anything is after midnight. I agreed and it went back to normal for us.

So, here I am. Still hoping he will proclaim he likes me more than he makes it seem.
I know I’ll never tell him unless he tells me first. Maybe one day he’ll tell me, or break my heart. There’s not much I can do right now. I want to keep seeing him, even if it’s just for the reasons mentioned before. I don’t think I can handle not seeing him anymore.

I’d rather cry in my room and know I’ll see him in a couple days for a couple hours, than cry knowing I’ll never see him again.

Submitted: January 12, 2012

© Copyright 2022 HollyMarie007. All rights reserved.

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