Bakery Goods Clem!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Clem and Del's latest adventure!

Submitted: April 24, 2015

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Submitted: April 24, 2015



Clem Gummer was dreaming he was a successful writer (somehow he therefore knew it was only a dream!) and was filled with joy. He almost filled his pants with something other than joy when his eyes snapped open and he realized with a jolt of panic that he was driving a semi which was making a new lane at a 30 percent variance from the highway. That was because it had veered off into muddy field and was heading right for a vertical mountain of stone. He didn't even have time to scream, he just whipped the wheel to the left and the truck started doing loop-de-loops in the wet, muddy grass. His terrified eyes saw the mountain, then the highway they'd left at a high rate of speed, then the mountain again, then highway, ect. He thought they'd never come to rest but finally, with mere inches to spare, the truck lurched to a stop at the base of the mountain. 

Clem wiped his gleaming forehead, as a stream of sweat was making its way down his forehead like a small river, and was extremely grateful the hadn't hit anything. Beside him, Del stirred and groggily wiped the sleep from his eyes, saying,

"Are we there yet?"

"Oh yeah, we're there!"

"Good, I've sure got to go to the bathroom, order me the special would ya?" and he opened the door and swung down, apparently thinking they were at a truck stop they'd talked about going to. He hit the muddy ground and sank up to his ankles. 'Splash!'  "What the fu--" and promptly ended up on his ass. He tried to rise only to slip and plummet back down.    "Son of an electrical bone-dog!" he yelled, before carefully getting back to his feet and managing to climb back into the cab. He looked around at the soaked field where the semi had come to a stop and exclaimed, "Wholly shit, how did we end up here?"

"I was bored and thought I'd liven things up by taking us on a long-haul slip-and-slide--what does it look like? I dozed off, and how the hell did you sleep through it all, sum bitch?"

"I don't know, but you might have mentioned it before I stepped out and went for a swan dive into this shit!" Del snapped and flung his arm, spraying dirty water over everything, including Clem.

"Hey, sum bitch!"


"Like hell you are; look at me!" Clem shouted, angrily trying to shake the mud off.

"Hey, I just went for an unplanned mud swim, when we should be in the middle of blacktop, not this bullshit swamp!"

Clem smirked and replied icily, "Hey, if we had been on blacktop and were still driving and you pulled your sleepwalking bullshit, you'd be one sore sum bitch right now! 'Hey Clem, order me The Dip-Shit Snapped Off Leg, Broken Pelvis Plate, would you?'"

"Ah, ha, very funny, now what?"

"Well, this sum bitch ain't going nowhere, I guess we wade our way back to the highway and look for something else, sum bitch!"


Clem took off his mud-splattered hat, thanks to Del's shaking soakage, and looked at the cars rushing by on the highway through the trees. He had his eye on the run down diner they could see. Somehow they would have to find another vehicle to swipe. 

They had been watching the roadside diner for over an hour, but so far no cars had pulled in to park. Apparently it only opened for lunch and dinner--just their luck.

The parking lot remained empty. Thanks to the unplanned mud bath both Clem and Del were shivering in the cold morning air.

"This is bullshit," mumbled Clem, "Sum bitch; I'm freezing my nuts off here!" 

"Yeah, I'm one cold sum bitch!" shivered Del. 

They were just about to give up and move on to find someplace else when a bakery van pulled in and disappeared around the back. 

"Okay, now we're in business!" whispered Clem. 


They had waited impatiently for about five minutes and saw no activity out front. They dragged their freezing, pain-wracked bodies into the parking lot and around back.

"Sum bitch!" Clem quietly said under his breath as the pain hit him, but they kept hobbling. Del stayed quiet but looked like he was in misery. Clem thought, we must look like Sidney Poirtier and Tony Curtis in 'The Defiant Ones'--we're not chained together, but we're on the run from the law." At last they could see the bakery truck--all was quiet around it, so Clem whispered,

"Come on," and they managed to stumble the short distance to where the truck sat. They were in luck, not only was the door unlocked but the keys were in the ignition.  "Sum bitch, sumpin went right for a change...sum bitch!" he finished, when he saw it was a clutch. "I shoulda known, well get on in!" he ordered Del. No sooner had the begun to hoist their protesting bodies into the seats than they heard,

"Hey, get out of there!" 

They both whipped their heads around and saw a man in a bakery uniform running towards the van. 

"Shit, come on, move!" shouted Clem, and they finished getting in and Clem twisted the key and somehow, with gears loosing teeth due to grindage, and amid a putrid cloud of noxious exhaust from the revving, screaming engine, the van squealed past the angry bulging eyes of the bakery dude and careened onto the highway and soon disappeared into the morning sun.

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