Becoming Barbie

Reads: 522  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 1  | Comments: 6

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic

It is possible.....but would I want to?

Becoming Barbie

 

 

The Barbie look, like it or not, is on the rise again. Now it’s a look that is pretty near impossible for me to achieve, being brunette, a bit on the short side and definitely the wrong side of thirty but IT CAN BE DONE.

 

First off, the hair. Now I know from previous experience many years ago when I decided to have one blonde streak put in, that my hair does not like to be lightened. In fact, with normal strength bleach it goes a curious shade of orange, a bit like......no, we won’t go there. So, double strength bleach which is going to produce the right texture. I’ll have to have it cut because mine is just a bit on the long side. A few more chemicals to put those voluminous waves in just the right place. And lots and lots of hairspray, both to keep it in place and to hopefully stop it all breaking off from toxic shock.

 

Now, the face. Oh, dear! This is really going to be some kind of challenge. I’m going to have to go out and buy face cement and primer – yes, you can get both, I’ve seen the adverts – and I’m going to have to set about moulding me a whole new face. Thank goodness for all the make-up that’s around, it can cover anything and produce that necessary plastic finish! Eye shadow, lipstick, and lots of tweezing to get those thin, arched and high eyebrows. Okay, I’m not really liking what I see but I’m definitely making some progress here.

 

I don’t have anything in my wardrobe even remotely ‘Barbie’ish. No short skirts and dresses, and even her casual clothes are figure hugging. So I’m going to have to go out, look for something I’d never wear in a million years, taking plenty of padding to put in all the right places. I guess this is one of the easier parts of the transformation because almost every shop is bursting at the seams with clothes like these. And shoes.....I need shoes, high heeled, crippling ones will do nicely.

 

Now we come to the Barbie posture. Take a look at one of those dolls and you will find it is impossible for her to put her heels on the ground. Her feet are unnaturally arched and they will not flatten out. So to get that posture is kind of simple – get up onto your tiptoes and stay there. Not for a few minutes though. This is a permanent thing. You have to stand like it, walk like it, and just pray that you never have a need to run. You will find your legs quickly begin to ache so much that you have to walk slowly. But it’s not all bad! Take a look and you’ll find you’ve suddenly acquired those long legs so fashionable on all the beaches and catwalks. One thing though; don’t grimace. Embrace that pain and keep it hidden.

 

We’ve pretty much covered the outer appearance so now we come to the last, and probably most important part of the transformation. You will need to acquire the Barbie personality – or should I say lack-of-personality. You must appear ready to please, ready to agree with anything. Asserting yourself is so un-Barbie! In fact, you really should not hold any opinions at all but just blankly reflect back whatever is desired of you. Thinking is SO not part of the Barbie form of femininity. I’m considering a full frontal lobotomy just to stop my opinions sneaking up on me and making an inappropriate appearance.

 

And there we have it! A recipe to become the perfect plastic playmate! But hang on a minute.....I don’t want to be Barbie! And I am really hoping that anyone reading this doesn’t either. ( If you are male, you can always substitute Ken. Most steps are the same but I’m not too sure about the feet.) My advice – be yourself and be proud of it, all your faults and all. Recycle all that plastic into a more realistic mould!

 


Submitted: June 12, 2017

© Copyright 2021 hullabaloo22. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Comments

Kossettes Novellettes

I dont think i could be Ken
Mainly because i have a penis though

Mon, June 12th, 2017 5:52pm

Author
Reply

Ha! Good one, kossettes!

Mon, June 12th, 2017 10:55am

Mike S.

Yeah, there are plenty of Barbie-looks out there--another excellent write, Hully!

Mon, June 12th, 2017 8:40pm

Author
Reply

Thank you, Mike! Some of us just have to accept we're never gonna pull it off and say to hell with that!

Mon, June 12th, 2017 1:57pm

Rehmat Tanzila

Ohh .. that one is great !

Tue, June 13th, 2017 6:47am

Author
Reply

Thanks, TR! I know it came over as satirical but it is actually what I think!

Tue, June 13th, 2017 5:23am

Bert Broomberg

Nice, humorous piece of satire.

Tue, June 13th, 2017 7:50am

Author
Reply

Thanks, Bert! Glad you found it entertaining.

Tue, June 13th, 2017 5:21am

moa rider

Now Mama Hullabaloo, one day I flicked back those golden locks and looked in her ear - she's a bloody air-head! Not worth emulating. Usianguke

Thu, June 15th, 2017 8:14am

Author
Reply

Haha! The resurgence of Barbie -- just look to a certain person's wife! That's what has brought it all flooding back, I think. It was meant to be sarcastic -- I can't think of anything more opposite to me really. Thanks so much for reading and as always, I just love your comments!

Thu, June 15th, 2017 2:05am

Facebook Comments

More Editorial and Opinion Essays