Why We Should Never......

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
okay, none of us do any of these things but we joke about it all the time so I put some of our crazy ideas together into a three part short story, please enjoy and laugh :D

Submitted: August 08, 2008

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Submitted: August 08, 2008

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Why We Should Never Drink

(Or get high)

(Or have a party with beer and crack…and bonding primer…and pixie sticks…)

Kirsten Moyer

Underage drinking, illegal drug use, attempted robbery, auto theft

Geneva Kouri

Underage drinking, in possession and under influence of illegal drugs, attempted robbery, auto theft

Carol Deaton

Underage drinking, illegal drug use, attempted robbery, auto theft

Sara Hartman

Underage drinking, illegal drug use, attempted robbery, auto theft

Katie Page

Underage drinking, illegal drug use, attempted robbery, auto theft, murder

Emily Lopez

Underage drinking, illegal drug use, attempted robbery, auto theft, murder

Ashley Day
…Being friends with the above idiots

I looked at our police records as of tonight. Wow, what a night. It all started at Carol’s apartment…

“Hey, we’re gonna have a party! My mom left beer over here!” Carol told me over the phone.

“Cool! I’ll call Sara and you call Geneva.” I said back excitedly

30 minutes later we were all at Carol’s apartment. As we entered the door Carol greeted us by putting one bottle of Heineken in one hand and Amber Bock in the other.

It didn’t take long for the 4 of us to become drunken idiots. Hey, we were already idiots so all we had to do was get drunk.

About 20 drinks, 2 cans of Bonding Primer 180, and a few ounces of crack later we were well…

“You’re a happy tree huggin hippie!” Geneva yelled to no one in particular.

“You’re a yellow sunflower!” Carol yelled at the T.V. which was currently not on.

“Yeah, well, we’re all crack-o-maniacs!” I yelled to the furniture which I thought were people.

“You’re a green smurf!” I heard Sara say into the phone.

“Hey who ya yalking tou?” I asked not even taking notice of my scrambled words. I took the phone from Sara and heard Katie’s voice on the other side.

“Are you guys having a party?!? Without me!”

“Yo, Katie,” I said “Hey, where are you…I can hear you but I can’t see you.”

I heard Katie slap her forehead. “I’m coming.” She said and hung up the phone.

I spent the rest of the time until Katie got there looking for her and begging ‘the voice’ to speak to me again.

The door swung open and I heard “PIXIE STICKS!”

I ran to the front door, or stumbled rather, to where Katie, Ashley and Emily were standing. Katie started handing out a huge load of pixie sticks to every one while Carol grabbed some beer from the fridge for the newcomers and sang a song about drunken monkeys on crack living in the ocean.

Emily downed two bottles of beer and gave and evil laugh “I’ll take over the world!!” She screamed and laughed evilly again.

Katie, who was high by now, went over to Emily and they started whispering something about murder.

I heard the fridge open and a scream “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

The room fell silent. We all turned to Geneva at the fridge. She turned with a beer in her hand with a horrified look on her face and said, “Only one beer left,” in an almost whisper.

The silence deepened then a great war cry went from all of the partiers, “MINE!”

Everyone charged toward Geneva, except Ashley, who stood by barely halfway done with her first beer, and laughed.

I cried “Dog pile!” as we all lunged at Geneva toward that beer.

Poor Geneva, looking even more horrified, had to fight for that beer and survive being the bottom of that dog pile.

Carol, as vicious as she is, was too drunk and high to do any real damage to those of us in the pile.

Emily and Katie were screaming ideas to each other over the twisting bodies of their murder plan.

As for the rest of us, well we just wanted that beer.

“Bam!” the door swung open. Everyone stopped in mid-air and listened as the footsteps got closer. Kaleigh appeared around the corner. She walked up to Emily, who was currently in possession of the bottle of Heineken, and took it. She popped it open, chugged down half the bottle, and yelled “PARTY!!”

Everyone helped each other up and was laughing about the whole thing while Katie was giving Kaleigh pixie sticks and Geneva was giving her crack.

Once things calmed down Kaleigh and Carol decided to have a boxing match. Of course they knocked the drunk right out of each other and wouldn’t stop until they were both on the ground black and blue, swollen, and laughing even thought it hurt.

Sara, Ashley, Geneva, and I were having a conversation along the lines of a tie-dye universe and singing ‘Amazing Crack’ when Kaleigh suggested a beer run. Emily and Katie stopped their whispering long enough to agree then pulled their hoods over their heads and continued.

We all went outside and tried to walk. We all had our own cars but we thought it better to steel one and of course a good one.

We walked the neighborhood a little while before our hijackers, Carol and Kaleigh, spotted a new mustang.

While we waited around for the mustang doors to open to Carol saying “Open-says-a-me” in ten million different accents, Emily jumped on my back and began choking me. Thankfully she was too drunk and high that she began laughing and fell on the ground.

Geneva tired of waiting, walked up to the mustang pulled the door handle and to all our surprise it opened. She climbed in the drivers’ seat while the rest of us piled in the car.

The keys were not in the car so our two hijackers plus Emily hotwired the car and we started driving the nearest liquor store.

We were almost to the store when Carol brought up the good point that we had no money and Ashley reminded us we were all underage.

With one sentence “Let’s rob a bar!” we turned the car around and headed for the nearest bar.

When we were all out of the car Katie opened the trunk and handed us things that could be used as weapons, not good weapons but weapons.

Sara led the charge into the bar as Ashley stood by the window to watch.

We entered screaming and flailing ‘weapons’ but no one took notice.

The bar tender rolled his eyes and punching the guy he was serving. In all of one second we were in a full blown bar fight.

Kaleigh and Carol, bruised and swollen from the boxing match, were punching through the pain. If you listened closely enough you could hear them punch someone and scream “ow”

I saw Katie and Emily team up on this guy, who turned out to be a guy we knew, Cory Leslie, and with a couple of blood stains left on the carpet killed him.

Oh, despite the fun we had through that night, we all ended up in jail. Oh heck we had fun in jail!

Oh yeah, Emily and Katie also killed E.J. Emily’s brother. Carol and Kaleigh sent a couple of people to the hospital. Sara…she’s a wild one. Ashley never did anything. Geneva…well she’s right up there with Sara.

>> Jail <<

First off let me say that Ashley unfortunately did not go to jail with us. Second let me describe the scene for you. Sara, Geneva, Carol, Kaleigh, Emily, Katie, and I were all leaning up against the bars of our big cell that was across from the guards desk. We were telling the story of how we got to the bar robbery, of course all of our stories varied greatly because each one was tailored to how drunk or high we were.

Katie’s and Emily’s stories were very concentrated on death and destruction and pain and darkness.

In Sara’s story every one was a different colored smurf.

In Carol’s story…well remember she was the drunkest and highest out of us all…was a combination of every one playing football while cars were exploding and there was gun fire and a high speed car chase.

Kaleigh’s story was so hard to understand due to the laughter and all the ‘dude’s’ and ‘man’s’ and her hitting Carol every time she said some thing.

Geneva and I’s story was really hippie based; really hippie based.

By now the guard was almost rolling on the floor with laughter and we were rolling on the floor with laughter.

After the guards laughing fit he had fallen asleep and now he was snoring so loud that it sounded out the laughter.

We all got on our cots and were just staring into the darkness. I heard some one, grumpy from coming off their high, say “Will some one shut him up already?!” and through her pillow against the bars which, thankfully, got the police officer to stop snoring.

Everything was quiet. A deep silence filled the cell, then laughter. That’s right, in the middle of a dead silence Carol starts cracking up laughing.

Katie turned and stared at her. Carol caught Katie’s glare and stopped laughing abruptly. Not even 5 seconds later and Carol started laughing again.

7 minutes later every one had their head under their pillow or under their covers trying to block out Carol’s laughter. Unfortunately this group of criminals has a very contagious laugh. Within seconds every one was laughing for absolutely no reason. Then Emily gave us a reason. In all of her laughter she rolled off her cot. She went down saying “I’m gonna hurt you, Carol!”

Every one was laughing hysterically.
“Good luck with that one Emily.” I said laughing at her. “I mean you can’t even stay on your own bed!”

She gave me that look and came over and tipped my cot and me in it. Every one went into another laughing fit.

“Okay there’s your revenge Emily.” I said getting back up. I couldn’t help but laugh as I tried to image what that must have looked like to every one else.

Katie seemed to pick up on things and as she was about to say how klutzy I was she fell out of her cot too.

“You were saying…” I said through laughter.

Carol and Kaleigh decided that since the police officer was obviously completely out they would show us something.

They got up out of their cots. Carol had on what should be huge baggy pants but they looked fairly tight.

“Um, Carol, you wouldn’t happen to be, uh gaining weight…” Geneva said eyeing the huge pants.

Carol laughed “No, I got beer!” she yelled.
“SHHHHH!!!!!” We all said to her despite our happiness.

We all whispered “Hurray!” to one another and told Carol to start handing out some beer! She took out the beer and set them on the ground then pulled of the baggy pants to expose her normal jean wear below.

Kaleigh said, “Wait that’s not all,” and pulled out some crack from her pants pocket.

Geneva ran over and grabbed the crack from Kaleigh’s hand. “Crack!” She said delighted and awed by the sight.

At the sound of the word crack Sara and I began to sing ‘Amazing Crack’.

“Amazing crack, how sweet the smell, Was fine but now I’m high!”

The officer made some grunts. Every one fell silent. He started to move and within the time from then until two seconds later when he actually woke up we had hidden the illegal substances from sight and pretended to be asleep on our cots.

The officer’s head was off his desk looking at our cell. He had a sticky note stuck to his forehead that read “incompetent”. Of course it was a description of us earlier at the bar. I had heard the bar tender telling the police over the phone that the most incompetent group of thieves tried to rob his bar. This dude obviously just wrote down incompetent.

Some one snickered at the note. He must have heard and stood up. He walked over to our cell. He paced back and forth for a minute “checking out the premises”. When he was satisfied he turned his back and walked back halfway to his desk then quickly turned around.

Since nothing in the cell had changed he went back to ‘sleep’ on his desk.

Kaleigh made a little tiny move toward the beer and the police officers head popped up glaring at the 7 of us.

No one moved so he put his head back down. We all moved toward the beer this time and nothing happened. We all got closer and closer until we all had a beer in our hand.

Every time the policeman lifted his head we always hid and pretended to sleep. No matter how quick he was we were always faster. That poor man must have thought he was going insane with the things he was hearing but could never confirm.

Once we returned to our normal state of drunkenness our next thought was to escape prison.

Emily and Katie took it highly seriously and worked through most of the night on an escape plan while Kaleigh and Carol tried to dig through the concrete ground with beer bottle caps.

When the sky began to lighten a little Sara sat up in her cot and yelled “Got it!”

The rest of us slowly woke up and asked Sara what she was screaming about.

“Listen, if we want to get out of here this is how we do it. Emily you slip through the bars,” Sara began

“Yes and then I get the keys unlock the cell and we can get out of here.” Emily finished.

“Okay, once we’re out of the cell we’ll run to the kitchen and jump in some potato sacks which they’ll dump out in the alley then we’ll run for it.” I added

Every one looked at me. “What?” I asked innocently.

“Potato sacks?” Katie asked looking at me like I was totally out of it.

“I heard it in a joke once…” my voice trialed off.

“K, Emily, easy and quiet.” Geneva was saying as Emily started to slip between the bars.

“I’m a little stuck,” Emily said about half way through.

Kaleigh came over and was pushing her a little.

“Come on guys.” Carol said and started charging toward Emily.

Emily horrified screamed and slipped through the bars right before Carol got to her. Carol didn’t have enough time to stop herself and ran straight into the bars. “Ow.” Was all she said and then fell back on a cot.

“Good, Emily, now grabbed the keys off his belt and let us out.” Geneva told Emily as Emily moved closer to the sleeping guard.

She ever so gently grabbed the keys and ran back over to our cell where we were celebrating. She unlocked the cell and we all ran out and in the direction we thought the kitchen was in.

James Bond style, we navigated our way through the patrolled hallways. Once we found the kitchen we had to sneak around until we found empty potato sacks.

There were only 6 empty potato sacks so Geneva and I shared the big one. I don’t know how long we had to wait until the trash pick up but it seemed like forever. Thankfully I had Geneva with me so we kept each other laughing.

>> Freedom <<

We were thrown down hard in the alleyway. It was everything we could do not to voice the pain.

Through the loose knit in the sacks we could see the trash men carrying us. They were both white but smudged and stained black. We could tell that they were from the Bronx because they talked quickly under a heavy accent almost to the point where it was too hard to understand.

“Wow man these sacks are pretty heavy, ya know.” One of them said

“Yeah,” I saw the guy pick up an apple from the trash heap “Aren’t we spose to pick up empty sacks?” He said while munching on the apple.

“Yeah your right.” Said the other guy and then doubled over with laughter.

Smack! The second guy hit the first one that was hysterically laughing. “What’s the matter wit you?!”

“Ow, that hurt. Why ya always gotta be so mean to me Joe? Huh? I swear I’m gonna have brain damage from you.” The first one said.

“Oh shut up man, I didn’t even hit you hard Larry.” Joe said.

“Oh yeah, well why I don’t I just go over there and show you hard.” Larry retaliated.

“Oh yeah tuff guy, come on, bring it. Yeah that’s right bring it.” Joe said motioning his hands to urge Larry forward.

Someone in the potato sacks cleared their throat. The two guys snapped back to real life.

“Maybe, ya know, we should kick the sacks, you know, maybe catch some escape convicts?” Joe said raising his hands and shrugging his shoulder.

“Ya” They both agreed nodding their heads and started walking over to where we were hidden.

Joe and Larry kicked Kaleigh’s bag first. Kaleigh kept quiet even though she was in pain.

“Ya so just some trash?” Larry asked Joe. Joe nodded and they moved on to Emily’s sack. Emily did a perfect cat imitation. The trash men shrugged at each other and moved on to Carol’s sack. Carol made monkey noises out of her pain. The men looked at each other and then kicked Sara’s sack. Sara said “smurf” in a hurt voice. The men stared at her sack for awhile before they kicked Katie’s who giggled a little and whispered that tickled. As if that wasn’t obvious enough they decided to kick Geneva and I’s sack too. As I was about to do my best dog imitation Geneva shushed me and said “I got it” and blurted out “potatoes!”

The men started cracking up. “Hey Joe I think we otta lay of the whiskey some.”


© Copyright 2018 Izzy Alden. All rights reserved.

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