Gateway to Hell

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Passage of life..

Submitted: May 11, 2010

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Submitted: May 11, 2010

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Hallway of Time

Half sprawled across a wooden desk; all life drained from this weary mind. Staring out through the window - I could see the leaves on the trees, yellow and brown and glowing, with the autumn sun shining on them. Out there, a world where all that existed felt normal and safe. Thoughts poured in; thoughts that dissected dissection itself. My heart pounding as I drew closer to my writings; this strange entity glaring back at me.

Leave me be! I screamed silently. Too much explaining! Too many words! Impossible to make sense of it all! It takes way too long…. And to what end? A flash of what could have been left me in a heap that spilled out over everything I touched. Pondering over my life I began to feel a sense of hopelessness, and a maddening resentment began to take hold.

Immersed within the force of sadness and longing and surrounded by those poor unfortunate discarnate souls, my physical vehicle lying there helpless, lifeless, staring through me, touching perhaps the depths of my soul. What happens to all those damaged and discarded parts of our being? I thought to myself as tried to move closer to my corpse.

Observing the aura around my body I began to despair… Must I live in fear of my own imagination? Times when I would cry out in my mind; give me peace! Let me die! Why do you keep me half alive in a world that holds no place for me? I’m not of this world; this world of unconscious happenings? No, the real me comes from a different realm. But alone, and wandering in a love-less land, I journey. Thoughts coming at me from all directions; like bullets being fired from an automatic weapon, before exploding into a thousand tiny pieces inside my head. Tempting me with their bright colours, only to lead this desolate self further and further, into the darkest corners of mind, where the ravenous beast and insanity dwell. Times when different parts of my mind communicated, not real communication, just the relentless machine; stuck on repeat. The fear that I might wind up losing my strength and rendering myself powerless at the hands of those creatures in long white coats, held captive in a world devoid of feeling, where everything sounds and looks the same, and where nothing is understood. I could see myself lying there, vulnerable, caged. Each moment feeling like the last, and mortified in the knowledge that this had indeed been my destiny all along. Not the destiny of a spiritual warrior, but that of a helpless animal in the wilderness; having fallen into a trap laid down by the predator; the looming fear of annihilation. They would take my mind, my ability to think for myself; my ability to discern. I tried to resist, but regardless of my direction, I was greeted with the very same picture of the beast. Yes, that was, It was the frightening image of the beast. The movies that played in my head; relentless, tormenting and preventing me from freeing myself from the feeling of impending doom and ultimate incarceration. The torture and the foreboding, there appeared to be no escape. Each time I made an attempt to escape, faces and places appeared, presenting themselves in such a way; convincing, frightening, preventing me from passing and forcing me into submission once more. Why must I remain imprisoned in this house of darkness and torture? What is the purpose of my living in this way, in a world without mercy, surrounded by such tempestuous and brutal conditions. I am lost in despair; pleading to a merciful God. Hoping that each new day would be different from the last; releasing me from this dark and unfamiliar land of which I was now a prisoner, to a simply yet meaningful life of peace and certainty. Previously, I had always felt like a clear and confident being, operating on all cylinders. Discovering and distributing love and forgiveness, practicing freedom from judgement; from attachment to those destructive forces that exist all about us. A teacher of goodness and righteousness - Ah yes a neophyte.. but non-the-less, a vehicle of unconditional love filled with wonder and the magic of having few expectations. Tremendous complexity, yet untouched by this troubled world.

There I was, navigating my being through the various dense energy-fields that lay around in ordinary every-day life. Possessing enough experience, optimism and skill; my protection from the beast lurking within the darkness, waiting patiently for a moment of weakness to occur before taking control of unfortunate and wretched, unhappy minds. The darkness had possessed me. The creature from the underworld had come for me and was consuming me little by little. Devouring my mind and threatening my very existence. With no-one around to guide me; without sufficient protection I was powerless against the gnawing and gnashing jaws of the beast! Where was the life I had known? I cried out, still hoping for a sliver of mercy, of compassion. Still I clung to the idea of salvation. I prayed, silently and out loud. The days, nights, weeks, and months without comfort, rolled on, filling me with the fear that all my efforts would indeed become lost – that I had come too far down this road of grief and despair.

A gentle cloud appeared as if from nowhere, transporting me to one of the chairs in my old office. I sat there in a daze. Memories flooding in… tormenting me and forcing me again, into a place of surrender. What did God have in mind for me? I thought to myself as the light began to dim.

As the night continued to close, I felt suddenly alone again. Wishing that my physical body would expire, setting me free from this world, I fell gradually, helplessly back into the dark, depressing mire. The door closing silently behind me, I watched on, as everything from the world I loved, began to fade into the distance; before disappearing completely from view.

In the grounds, the trees had grown tall. The bushes were thick, and the grass that had invaded the pathways merged with the vines which spread up the sides of the walls covering buildings and other familiar sights. A dense forest had formed about me..


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