Instinct vs. Teachings

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: IMCisneros
Do we go with what we've known all our lives or do we go against it? What if all our lives we were taught the wrong thing? What if going against it is the hardest thing to do because of the conflict it causes within ourselves?

Submitted: December 26, 2014

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Submitted: December 26, 2014

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Instinct

 

All my life

The house I grew up in was domestically violent.

My sibling and I were abused, yet neglected, by our birth mom.

Although we were liberated from those hands,

We were delivered into a different kind of violence.

A kind where we were innocent bystanders,

Unaware of the violence to our new mom.

As we grew, my sibling was subjected to more emotional abuse.

Some physical.

Because he was "special".

No one knew at the time though.

This continued for the next eighteen/nineteen years.

At fourteen years, I believed that all men treated women that way.

I believed that I was supposed to be treated that way.

So, for three and a half years, I stayed with an abusive boy;

For he was not a man at all.

After escaping the household,

For the next two years,

I would find myself.

Still struggling what I learned.

Normal instinct tells a woman to select a man like her father.

I did exactly that.

When I learned it was the wrong way,

That it was all a lie,

I had to fight to get someone good.

And found no one.

I learned that a man of God was the opposite of my father.

And then, every man I dated,

Were either like my ex or my dad.

It depended on what they did or said.

I tried opening my heart,

But found it impossible.

Because no man followed God.

They were all the same.

Every day,

I struggle.

I don't want to see my dad or my ex in every man.

I want to see God.

I struggle--

To fight the natural instinct to find a man like my dad

For something, someone, better.

Like my mom and I deserved all along.

I thank God

That my sibling never took after his violence.

Being "special" was his saving grace.


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