Once upon a time, in a happy little place called the Black Lagoon, there lived a Gill Man named Bob. Bob was a hopeless romantic. He was 6'8" with black eyes, sexy green scales, and a
perfectly manicured pair of claws. Bob enjoyed picnics, romantic walks on the beach and cuddling.
Sadly, as with many nice guys, poor Bob just couldn't get a date. Although he was the perfect gentleman, most people are so close-mined that they just can't get past the scaly outward appearance to see the beauty within. On top of that, he was the victim of countless racial slurs. 'Creature' is not an acceptable term in this day and age. It's 'Gill Man.'
To add insult to injury, his home, the Black Lagoon was razed and paved over to make a tourist resort. The scenic swamps and bogs where he played as a tadpole were now T-shirt shops and daiquiri bars. The peaceful sounds of frogs chirping was replaced by the grunts and shouts of horny college kids on spring break. The Black Lagoon was renamed 'Cap'n Dave's Drunken Lagoon.' What's a poor Creature (I'm sorry, Gill Man) to do.
Needless to say, Poor Bob grew quite bitter. He deactivated his Plenty of Fish account and gave up on love altogether.
One night, in a fit of rage he rose from the depths and attacked a gaggle of sorority girls vacationing from Pocatello, Idaho. His idea was to give them a good scare but, being the sensitive gill man that he was, he wasn't going to really hurt them. The only fatality was a pocket poodle named Fifi who one of the girl's had brought with her. Bob saw nothing morally wrong with this. He normally dined on fish and since fish were both smarter and less annoying than this yipping creature, Bob was simply doing the moral thing by eating lower on the food chain.
I'm sure you've heard of Missing White Poodle Syndrome; the disproportionate media coverage in reporting a missing white upper class female pedigree poodle. Countless numbers are killed in the housing projects every year and go unreported. Fifi, on the other hand, was front page news.
For Bob, this turn of events produced the desired results. Drunken Lagoon was shut down and Bob could once again enjoy the peace and quiet he was used to. The IADC was called in to investigate but Bob was able to swim down to the briny depths of his beloved home and avoid detection.
After a month, the investigation was suspended despite the public protests that Fifi's killer must be brought to justice. The resort was set to reopen in a week.
Bob knew now what he had to do to protect his home. He knew that despite the warnings, it was only a matter of time before some spoiled sorority girl would bring her equally spoiled pet and the reign of terror would begin again. If enough poodles were to be eaten, perhaps the resort would be shut down for good. At the very least, Bob would get a tasty meal. Poodles were surprisingly good with Remoulade Sauce.
He was enjoying the relative quiet until the resort opened just walking around the surface when a glint caught his eye. He then heard voices. No one was supposed to be here for another few days. Bob decided to investigate. Hiding behind a fake palm tree, he spied a young couple walking hand in hand. The young man's Rolex reflected the moonlight drawing Bob's eyes. But it was the man himself who held the creature's attention. Wearing nothing but swimming trunks, the young blond man's tanned muscular body was on full display. Those beautiful eyes. Those strong arms. The bulge in his trunks. Bob was in love. Or at least, severely in lust. He had to have this strapping, sexy man!.
But how to approach him? Bob was painfully shy and wasn't good at lame pick-up lines. He figured it would be best to learn about his new paramour first, so he could more easily strike up a conversation. 'What's your sign' or 'Do you prefer perch or squid' just wouldn't cut it.
So Bob listened in on the young couple's conversation, He learned that the young man was an IADC agent named Shannon Trevor who had brought his beautiful girlfriend, Lauren, here for a date.
"Are you sure it's safe, darling" Lauren asked. "I mean this was the site of a grisly murder."
"Alleged grisly murder," Shannon reminded her. "The IADC found no signs of foul play. Most likely the girl was drunk, let her dog get away and didn't want to tell her rich daddy so she made up a story. Besides, if anything happens, you know I'll protect you."
Despite his supervisor's orders that they close down the investigation, Shannon still believed there was something out there. But things had been quiet and this was the only chance he'd get to have the whole resort to himself and Lauren. And if something did happen, he was a trained agent. He'd be able to protect his girlfriend.
"Oh, my hero," Lauren said seductively as they laid out their blanket and she was rubbing lotion on her boyfriend's firm athletic chest. Shannon smiled. He knew the element of danger combined with the intimate scenery would be a huge turn-on for his girl. They had only been dating for a couple weeks but he knew today was when it was going to happen.
Bob watched the two start to get hot and heavy as he had with countless other young horny couples. But this time, he couldn't just stand by. He was a creature-- sorry. gill man-- in love.
With a howl he ran towards the couple. Lauren looked up at the attacker and like any good B-movie heroine, she screamed her head off.
Shannon was a bit stunned but, as an agent, he had seen many strange things and Bob the lovesick gill man was not the strangest. Besides, he had sworn to protect helpless little Lauren.
"Stay away from her!" Shannon shouted at the creature. "I've seen enough monster movies and I can see that look in your bulbous little eyes. I know you want to kidnap my girl to be your undersea bride, but you can't have her!"
"No!" Bob protested. "I don't care about her. I want to kidnap YOU to be my undersea bride."
However, since Bob never got a full command of the English language, his explanation sounded more like "GURGLE GRUNT GURGLE' which Shannon took to mean "I'm going to take your woman down to my underwater love nest." He was having none of that.
Shannon swung at the creature landing a solid punch right in its chest. If Bob were a human, he would have been laid out on the sand. But, anyone familiar with Gill Man physiology (and who isn't) would know that the chest area of the male gill man is protected by a hard bony protective carapace. Shannon's fist slammed against Bob's rock-hard chest. To put it succinctly...OW!.
Shannon grunted in pain but this only made him seem more manly to Bob. He couldn't wait to ravage the young man, so he performed the courtship ritual that Gill Men have performed for their potential lovers throughout the centuries. He smacked Shannon upside the head knocking him unconscious.
Bob turned to see what Lauren was up to but, as any good B-movie heroine would do, she had fainted as was lying unconscious on the sand.
Bob couldn't believe his luck. Shannon was his! Until today, Bob thought he was destined to be a 400 year-old virgin. Now he was going to get married. Gently he scooped Shannon up in his arms and sang 'Here Comes the Bride' as he walked towards the water. The Gill Man version of the song sounded like 'GURGLE GRUNT GURGLE' which of course sounds remarkably similar to the translation for "I'm going to take your woman down to my underwater love nest." Bob still found it incredibly romantic.
As he slowly descended into the depths he took one last look at Shannon in the moonlight. That strong naked tanned chest was giving Bob goosebumps on top of his warts. Seeing such a virile young man lying helplessly in his arms, drew Bob to tears.
A salty tear fell down Bob's cheek splashing onto Shannon's forehead. This was enough to wake the agent. He looked up to see Bob's monstrous face and the lust in his yellow eyes. There was no doubt that this creature meant to have his way with our strong sexy hero.
Frightened by the prospect of what this beast had planned for him, Shannon screamed but his cries for help were muffled as the Bob puts it's claw over Shannon's mouth until the helpless man soon fell unconscious.
Knowing there was a slight chance, someone may have heard Shannon's cry for help, Bob marched into the lagoon with his newly acquired boy-toy. Shannon looked so perfect; both strong and completely helpless in the Bob's arms. But Bob couldn't savor the moment like he wanted to. He had to hurry underwater where he would be safe and his new bride would be his forever!
Shannon's muffled cries did awaken Lauren. She wiped the sand out of her eyes and spied the creature carrying her beloved into the water. Her man was helpless unconscious with his arms hanging limply at his sides. His precious Rolex (and the rest of him) was about to be swallowed under the depths.
Lauren was kind of the girly-girl Disney princess type. She had always dreamed of a strong man to come to rescue her. She, therefore, makes the perfect damsel in distress for our monster story. She's good at screaming, fainting and looking oh-so sexy in that little yellow bikini of hers. Problem was screaming, fainting and even looking hot wasn't doing her much good right now. Or poor Shannon.
Looks like she might have to kick some ass!
"Hey!" she shouted at Bob as bravely as she could. "Let him go!"
Lauren was wondering if she was going to regret this. She didn't really think this through and she was more than a little frightened at the idea of facing this monster. But she decided that she's not going to let it take her man!
Bob, on the other hand, was quite perturbed. He was setting up the perfect romantic moment and this girl has to come around and ruin it. How selfish!
He turned and growled at her, brandishing his razor-sharp Fifi-chomping teeth. This would be more than enough to make anyone turn and run, but Lauren was determined. She had found a newfound strength in herself and she was liking the feeling. There was no way she was going to be telling stories about the fish-monster that got away.
She grabbed a piece of wood and lunged at the best, ready to do whatever she needed to save poor, helpless Shannon. Bob spun around with the limp man in his arms and snarled yet another warning. This was almost enough to send Lauren running but seeing Shannon lying helpless like that, she knew she'd have to fight to save him. She didn't know if the creature understood that humans can't exactly survive being dragged underwater. Neither could shiny new Rolex watches. Shannon loved that watch. No, Lauren would have to do something.
Although Bob was much stronger, Lauren had the advantage that her hands were free while the creature was busy holding on to his prospective bride. Lauren ran at Bob with the piece of wood, sticking it in one of his eyes.
"Let my boyfriend go NOW!" she cried. Bob growled in pain. He stumbled making a herculean effort not to drop his beloved. Didn't this woman see how much he loved Shannon and how much they were meant to be together? One doesn't find a soulmate every day and Bob was going to risk losing both his eyes fighting for his man!
He growled a third time, much louder. This was a sound that would set the staunchest sea captain's heart on edge and send Davy Jones retreating to his locker. But Lauren just saw it as a perfect opportunity. She pushed the bloody branch right into the creature's howling mouth, plunging it deep down its throat.
Bob cried out in agony, finally dropping Shannon. Swiftly Lauren grabbed her man pulling him up away from the waves. As the creature retreated back into the depths she pulled the unconscious Shannon to the shore. With not a small amount of pride, she realized that she kept the Rolex from even taking a drop of water. Shannon would be so pleased.
"Hey, baby. Wake up," she said softly while still keeping an eye on the water in case the Creature wanted another pounding.. She put her lips to Shannon's and, like Sleeping Beauty, he slowly opened his eyes.
"Oh. My head,' he moaned. "Wait...that creature. That hideous creature! It was coming to take you. What happened?"
"Let's just say that you ended up being the damsel in distress," Lauren winked. "Good thing you're so darn sexy that I couldn't help but risk my life to save you. How are you feeling? You took a pounding."
"I guess I'm okay," Shannon said. "Other than my pride being a little broken at having to be saved by a girl."
"Oh, you'll get used to it," Lauren said as she caressed her boyfriend's bare chest.
"You know, I think I could," Shannon answered as he turned to kiss her. In fact, having a sexy guardian angel like Lauren to save him was kind of a turn-on.
"This spot is so romantic, don't you think?" Lauren asked as her hand made her way down Shannon's chest and under his swim trunks. He could only gasp in agreement, finding he was really turned on by Lauren's new take-charge attitude. This lagoon would always be a special place for them both and hopefully a place to take their children for years to come as they lived happily ever after.
But this tale isn't all romance and happy endings. Cap'n Dave's Drunken Lagoon reopened with all the crass commercialism that would wipe this idyllic scene from anyone's thoughts.
And on a dark lonely night, try listening past the off-key karaoke versions of 'Margaritaville' and the shouts of drunken fraternity boys, If you strain your ears, you can sometimes hear the sounds of a heartbroken creature ---I mean Gill Man--- crying in the depths of the lonely lagoon.
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