Barren Lands and Acid Rains
Reads: 244 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 4
Poem by: IamOnly
Oh, I have walked across this barren land
And I know the way like I know the pain
Many times has this cutter stood her last stand
Many times have I stood beneath the acid rain
Some dance to remember, you see?
But some dance to forget their ugly past
But forgetting feels like fighting the a battle on sea,
When your boat is sinking until you stand your last
All I’ve ever needed is for someone to hold me,
Someone willing to put up with this life
Someone to love me unconditionally
Even if my life is filled with constant strife
Is that so hard for someone to do?
Just hold me until I stop sobbing?
Someone only willing to say things that are true
Willing to love me, even though my head is throbbing
All I want is for this mess to end
I want to forget every last memory
And not find out the road has a new bend
At the end, I don’t want to be as hard as emery
These tears roll down my face
Taking streaks of black with them
Why does everything have to be so hard I have to brace?
Why can’t I just go “AHEM?”
Why are people constantly beating me down
Farther and farther into a pit I do not want to go
Some days I feel like I just might drown
I just want to be able to walk to and fro
These flashes of anger fill my eyes
Stinging, burning, thrashing emotions
Everyone only says “She tries”
And I know I am only going through the motions
If I put in too much more, I’ll sink
If I give anymore of myself, I’ll die
I’ll be gone before you can blink
I’ll be gone before you bat an eye
Just please watch out for me
I want to make something out of this life
But I need to turn this life down to a tolerable degree
And hopefully get rid of all this strife
So just look for me, that’s all I ask
Because if I go, how long will the last?
Please, just hand me that flask
And I’ll shrink to the point of no more mass
© Copyright 2019 IamOnly. All rights reserved.
Comments
This is so so so mindblowing, Abbie. You really've real talents. Am not trying to impress you, but I think you are good. The rhymes are great. Your words are straight from the soul. I saw a typo. though. Check line 7.
This is almost a continue of teh last poem I read of yours lost and waiting for redemption. This I loved the feelings and angst and at times hidden anger in it. Nice job
5th line: remove THE. (I'd suggest rewording the same like "but forgetting, a battle on sea."
9th line: I wonder if FOR comes there. "...needed is someone to hold me" also sounds fine!
17th line: Again, FOR is not needed.
"as hard as emery" - in my own opinion, sounds offhand. I see that it is used to maintain rhyme sequence. Well, if possible, try to get something other than emery. It actually disrupts the flow, in my own opinion.
last but two line (or 2nd line in last verse): "how long will I last," right? Replace 'will' with 'I.'
The poem has a mood/tone of lamentation (I can't think of an appropriate word, sorry) throughout. That was consistent since the start till the end. Very good.
To be frank, the poem lacks imagery. You can improve imagery by using comparisons and supplying examples. For instance, hard as emery, is one! (though it wasn't enough). Try to include, if possible, more such.
Hmmm, flow too is not good. You can try what-I-call-as a syllable match to improve it. All you have to do is to read aloud a verse, and see if every line takes the same amount of time to be read. Or, if you are familiar with syllables, try to match, or, at least, approximately match the syllable count of each and every line. Line 1: 20 syllables, line 2: 19, line 3: 18, line 4: 21... You can have like that. Try to match as much and as close as possible. Your lines were "out of phase," can you see?
The rhyme scheme is good. Really good and I can see the painstaking job of yours. Hats off!
9th verse is powerful! There lies the soul of the poem!
Your poem is perfectly fine, Abbie. Really, it is original and unique. However, I do suggest you remove subjects (I, you, he, etc) to generalize the poem as well as to add more flow, and spontaneity; many people, then, will be able to relate to the poem. Like - Waking across the barren land, knowing the way like knowing pain, etc... (Though such a style will not fit for this particular poem, do consider it in your further writs).
The title is good :)
P.S. You don't have to change anything at all. Let it retain its originality if you choose to. But just consider, and employ these--if you like to--when you were to pen the next poem. Poems sure do not need to follow any specific rule. I guess editors do prefer it; or, maybe it will make it more professional a writing? Anyway, I'll leave it for your consideration.
P.S.S. I myself, to be honest, do not follow any pattern, any rules and do not employ whatever that I said. Anyway, I want you to improve and get professional.. That's why I advise you, as if I was being perfect. I'm totally imperfect, ok?
Keep writing.
Take care :)
Awww! THANK YOU!
SOMEONE payed attention!
Ok, I will re-write the poem like this and see how I like it.
Ask my friends, I am a total grammar freak and would usually completely follow every rule to a T, but in poetry, I think everthing goes out the window! I've always said "There are three main rules in writing. Too bad no one knows what they are."
I really do appreciate this my dear:)
I love that finally someone took time out of there busy day to help me like this! It's very rare that i find someone willing to do that!
Thank you SO SO SO much for you time, thought, comment, and well, being you:D
I will definitely consider everything you said in my future writes.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
I don't think I can say that enough times:)
More Poetry Poems
-
-
-
Short Story / Romance
-
Booksie Popular Content
Other Content by IamOnly
Poem / Poetry
Poem / Poetry
Poem / Poetry
Ekeuhie