I had a week and a half to myself no wife no kids no noise and I was waiting for them to come home with the usual mix of cant wait and trepidation. I really wanted to make love to my wife as after 10 weeks I was begining to wonder if she still wanted to be with me, no cuddles no intimacy at all. I crave contact and thrive on hugs and cuddles, she has grown to hate physical contact and is consumed by material things, the gym, reality TV and all things not me. This has been a gradual progression but I felt like I was sufficating last night in my aloneness even with a house full of people. The dark blanket of despair did its best to cover me and I found it hard to breath so I wrote the poem Why?
I felt better knowing I could excersise the daemon within a little but I still ahd a feeling of dread and the pit of my stomach felt like I had swallowed a 5 gallon bucket of plaster. It sat heavy and sickly in my body not allowing me to think of anything, but being unloved and alone, I sat by myself in the room I was in quiet no noise no TV no anything and cried to myself. I have no idea why? I cuddled minni the cat she heard me crying and jumped into my lap for a cuddle and she made me feel better for a while, but again I asked myself why I felt such anger, darkness and dispair. I felt like I was sitting in a void of unknown with no-one to hear me no matter how hard I screamed, and even if they could they dont understand, my wife has no idea how to talk to me anymore, she has deteriated into an uncaring shell that shakes her head at me and says things like "tell me whats wrong" "what is your problem" and my favourite "I just don't get you".
I still fight my Bulimia every second of every day it knaws at me when I eat and if I see something I like the daemon says "eat it all you can get rid of it later" I know its wrong but he wins all teh time. Am I weak am I not a man? Do I deserve any of this, see self pitty is a cancer if you let it get a foothold it will eat you away until you are just a husk left sitting rocking back and forward in the centre of a padded room holding plastic knives and forks. All I want is for someone to hold me and tell me its all ok the little boy inside me never had this at all I was too big and as a child I was viewed as some what of a freak. I was 6 feet tall and 94kg at 12 years old bigger than most adults. I was teased and abused called fattso, fatty, beach ball and many other names but the worst feeling was the fact that even back then I knew girls would not look at me I was huge they were tiny. I was not unattractive just well scary I spose. My hormones kicked in early too, and I developed at an alarming rate I was a man by age 12 with a little boy trapped inside who just wanted to be loved . I now feel hate towards those people who made me feel self pitty and deny me a rightfull mind. I also thank them for making me angry and one day I stood up for myself and they never treated me bad again.
The cloud of darkness I feel around me enveloping me now is the only warmth I feel from anyone and this is why in my mind I feel like this. If you crave human touch and emotion and get none then I am the result, a deeply moody, dark individual who outwardly looks nornal through years of practice and smiles that come natural. I miss my mum its nearly been 12 months and I dont have her to talk to and hug. Life sucks when your head is not right and your emotions run around ain turmoil, like rounding up cats! But Life must go on and day by day time gets faster and faster with a crescendo of death. I dont want to die! but I dont want to live feeling alone!
Thank you for letting me indulge myself inm y pool of wallowing self pitty.
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