The life I lead is one of morbid curiosity and as I sit here I reflect on my working knowledge of my life so far.
I was born on a cold night in 1964 to a very middle class mother and father and quickly grew into a huge child that not only grew physically larger than all my peers I grew mentally more aware of my body and that I was much larger than others my own age. I was teased and call all sorts of names at school and by those who did not know me. I am by nature a gentle person but even at a young age I would cry myself to sleep at night feeling left out of events and school activities being considered a freak of nature because I was so tall and large. The only people that did not judge me to harshly were my team mates on my football teams because I was a natural sportsman even at the young age of 7 or 8 yrs. The issues I had thou were my growing need for sexual stimulation although I did not know what my “willy” (as my mum called it) was for it always felt better when I rubbed it on the carpet or my sheets. I had no idea I was masturbating until I was around 12 yrs old because I was a sports man not a lover. I hit six feet tall on my 12th birthday and topped 94kg. I was as big as most adults if not bigger. I was also a fully functional sexual being at 12 and the first time I ejaculated it scared the crap out of me. It was at this time I started to stand up for my self from 11yrs of age onward when I finally cracked at school when an older guy called my fatso and I dropped him with one punch and smashed him to a pulp on the playground asphalt. It took 3 students and 2 teachers to get me off of him and I don’t recall much of it except for the fact that he copped 11 years of hate and self loathing.
My teens were very limited and I played Football 6 days a week so I was fit and tall but with a baby face I was never going to get laid so by 15 I grew a beard and started to date. Now six feet 2 inches tall and 82kg I was in pretty good nick. This happened for years until I finally damaged my knee irreparably during a game and I spent six months in a cast and a further 12 months in recovery learning to walk and make the leg strong again. During this time my weight ballooned to 114kg. I hated myself and thus My mental state took a dive for the worst and I found bulimia and excessive exercise in a bid to shed the weight. I lost 21kg in three weeks and ended up loosing 27kg in total in 7 weeks and everyone loved my again. I was skinny and my old self but now my mental state was and is screwed forever. By the time I was 18 I was throwing up 3 to 4 times a day. O would eat drunk excessively mainly water and then vomit the food back, I always knew when to stop so I could keep something in my stomach but the nagging feeling of emptiness I was creating made the cycle start all over again and I would binge and purge sometimes for hrs on end with cake, biscuits, chips, chocolate or whatever was in the house. I would vomit and eat and the cycle would leave me bleeding from the thought and stomach as well as bursting blood vessels in my eyes and eyelids from the constant straining to vomit. I hid it from friends and family and even my wife for years and it wasn’t until much later that I was found out by my own baby daughter.
She saw me and copied my during the day and when asked what she was doing she told my then second wife she was being daddy when he felt sick. She put two and two together and bingo I was outed. I hated her for knowing and denied it with such faith and vehemence that I even almost convinced my self. But part of me was glad it was out in the open I was now 36 years old. 18 years of being a secret bulimic had taken its toll on my teeth, hair and eyesight. I now know I have a genetic birth defect and a valve in my heart is only a bi not tri valve from one of the major ventricles from my heart. I could have died! The pressure you put on your heart in the act of throwing up is immense and I was slowly killing myself. I know now how stupid I was and still am, yes I still do it not as often but I do stil vomit because I feel ashamed of my body and at 47 now nearly 30 years down the track I cant shake the need to purge the feeling from my soul.
Please if you are starting down the road of an eating disorder please stop now seek help and advice don’t be a stubborn mule like I, if you have body issues seek advice from a dietician or doctor, you need not be alone. Don’t forget I was less than .025% of all eating disorders amongst males in my age group for the time this happened to me and I thought I was alone then girls started dying of anorexia and bulimia in the 90’s and all of a sudden it was big news in 1982 when I first started I was alone. I knew they would think I was mental.
I was never abused physically but had a childhood filled with degradation from so called friends and family that made me try and kill myself that only I to this day know of (and now you the reader) I never told anyone of this act before and I still have the scar on my stomach where I stabbed myself trying to cut out the fat on my body. I only managed to get the blade in 1 inch before I broke down and I tried to cut myself but again I was a coward. I am so glad I didn’t succeed because now I have a family and a life that I cherish. I have been a bad boy in my times but I have a good side that very rarely is seen by others I give readily where it’s anonymous. If I had it I would give it gladly.
I will get around to my memoirs shortly but I needed to do this because as I finish this I go to purge and cry!
© Copyright 2017 Ian Dawn. All rights reserved.
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