There are times when we all have issues and things to get off ones chest like love, loss, hate, despair and my favourite depression. It’s a dark thing depression in my world it is like looking into a mirror and seeing another me who is happy and arrogant and he points his finger at me telling me all the things I am not. I hate him, I call him my evil twin, and he surfaces when I am at my most vulnerable. I am like anyone else in this world; we all like to be liked ...Right! So if I’m not in my mind I close down and go into my dark place where the world is just a blur of faded images and sound has little or no meaning.
Take the other night I was sitting on the lounge cuppa tea in hand and I was watching a TV show in Australia called Bondi Vet he is a guy of questionable sexual orientation in my mind, tall handsome, blonde, but alas I am off the mark, he was helping a pussy cat who was dying, and I cried like a three year old girl, (no offence meant if you’re a three year old girl reading this) and I tried to hide the fact from my wife and daughter. They immediately laughed at me saying I was a big sook, I took it to heart and left the room and continued for another twenty minutes. WHY? Because I was having a moment and if you suffer like I do these, I now call episodes of overwhelming emotion triggered by events in life you will understand. Now I’m a big guy 6’3” tall and 120kg not all fat BTW. And I was a mess. My wife finally asked what was wrong and I said “Nothing” again WHY? Because it will make no difference now as to why I cry just that I was. She walked out in a huff and called my a big sook or a spaz and my world closed in and darkness filled my ears and my mind I wanted to scream but alas my throat was tense and constricted as well as not wanting to upset anyone else further. I was self consumed and in my own way catatonic my mind shut down and I was a shadow, a part of me just existed but that was all. I melted into non existence and there I stayed until my daughter walked in and told me the cat was ok and it’s ok to come out now. I didn’t care about the cat, well I did but that was not the catalyst, the catalyst was my depressive nature at the time and it can hit you when you have had a win or you just got a kick in the face. I don’t know how to explain it to those of you who are always upbeat, I wanna smack you in the mouth when I get like that I can’t stand “CHIPPER” it drives me insane. Ok so why am I writing this? You know I have not a clue it’s like my internal voice is just talking through my fingers and I am watching them, Hi fingers (I just waved back to myself) its almost like I can’t stop now and the darkness although I dissipated is not gone its like drawing the curtains back to let the light in but they hang their waiting to be drawn and enclose me in my internal darkness once more. If only it was a blacked out window I could smash then the dark would be gone forever. But you know then I would not be me, I have often thought about what would I be like without my darkness and danger that part of my life no-one knows not anyone and not even now will I share with you. I am me and that darkness is my safe place to live and it’s where I frolic and make up new stories by myself. Its dark but not cold, dank but not uninviting, yet I would never bring anyone else into this darkness of mine as I could not be held responsible for the outcome. They could be ruined forever or never return to their previous state unharmed. Not physically but mentally and I think that’s why I write I am trying to get the path to my darkness lit for those of you who dare to follow but at the end of the path you will find a cold steel black door the composition of which sucks the light out of you like a black hole! Get too close you might just become part of my world and my dark desires that are mine alone, shhhhhhh tread softly around my mind as it’s just might attract you like the innocent cat and ask to be stroked and played with but at the end of everything it’s not you that own the cat its the cat that owns you!
© Copyright 2016 Ian Dawn. All rights reserved.
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