Desperation Causes Moral Death...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Well... It is a sad one...
All charecters and events in this [whatever-it-is] -are entirely REAL.

Submitted: November 14, 2008

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Submitted: November 14, 2008

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Well... I first want to say that my english is not that good, so you know.

And it begins....

It begins 5 years ago. There I was a 13 year old girl with nothing else to do, but look for trouble. Actually, I really want this to be a resume, so I'll cut the B*****t....

Back then I was a normal girl, to get the picture - I was a little bit tomboy, I wasn't a big fan of those things called Barbie dolls...Don't get me wrong but also I wasn't a hater either. Boys were the last thing on my mind, I was seeing them as a playmates, just  friends but there it was Him. That Son of A B**c at My school in my hood, on my floor.... It was the end of the spring and the beggining of the summer, almost vacation time. It was hot and we were kids, so we've played, and we ran and also splatter with water. Of course the Game is well-known as 'Boys Vs. Girls'... He was from the 'elder' 7th graders and we were the Kids at the 6th grade. So we kinda ran into each other and wet outselvs and of couse the proper thing one of us had to say was ...Let's say some swears !@#$%^&( Something like 'Go f**k yourself...' and stuff... That was the first day we've met. At this day I hated him the most!

About Him... Well, He was a spoiled kid, and back then he had planty of money, actually his parents had a lot of money, they were rich. His father is from Jordan and His mom is from here... And so He had Everything, always with the gold, the latest cell phones, the playstations, the scooters, the drums, the guitars ...and everything that a 13 year old kid could want. Also had a lot of friends, but you can imagine what kind of friends has a rich kid, hmm?...

Yes, that was Him - flesh and blood. All the opposite of what I like. But as the days were flying by, I wanted to see him more, all by accident, because we live in the same hood. He was driving around with his 'cool' scooter, and I just wanted those 'accidents' to happend more often. And they've happened. I was not admiting to myself that I like to see him...how could this be, I don't like him a bit. I've never liked those spoiled brads! Well, it just was what it was, after a few more months I admit it to myself and I was very surprised. It turned out that some of my friends were his friends and so we started to hang out together at the same places with the same people. He was different from all of the other kids, I don't know how to describe his strangesness. He was just thinking differently. But anyways, He was still spoiled and stupid and He get even dumber when he turned 14 - He started smoking pot (a lot). Running away from school, he changed his school, but still he was running away to smoke pot, to play computer games and to drive his skateboard. At that time I was crushed. I was falling deeper for Him and I was very pissed about it 'cause He was just a...a...living nightmare. A stupid junkie, corection - A stupid, spoiled junkie! He was handsome, cute and stuff, but in a very strange way. Of course there were many girls who liked Him, but not as I did. And there I was at the point, the edge of my stupidness. I had to get His attention, so I've joined the Joint crew and started smokin with them, but unfortunately when I'm high I talk S**t!  He liked me on the outside wich was enough, but I was tryng to look 'cool', so I also got dumber. After that He just avoided me, I actually wasn't his friend in all this commotion, I've forgot how to be a friend to Him. But there was that winter when he finally paid attention to me and started flirting. We were all 'grown up' 16!!! And many people knew that, so they kinda ruined for us. Besides it was hard anyways, 'cause He is too shy with girls. I wanted Him to be jealous, so that He'll want me and I ended up kissing and makiong out with his friends. Smart move, eh?! Well, now I see this as one of the most dumber things I have ever did and of course I feel sorry for that, but it is too late! There were a good times with all that flirting jokes again, but all of his 'friends' (and mine too) were trying to stop everything from happening. Some of those people liked me and they did a lot of bull***t and gossip. And my God, the've done a 'GREAT' job keeping us apart. I don't accuse, I admit that mostly it is my fault, but that is also a fact and a part of the story. Somehow He gave me His messenger, pretending that I have to give Him the mail of our friend. So, I did.

We started chating and to confess, I was extremely nervous about it. The only thig in my mind was 'Finally! Now I am talking with Him, and there isn't anyone between us. It just has to be perfect!' - But it wasn't. I scre*ed up! C'mon I was only 16 .... Whatever, there wasn't anything to say and to chat about, because we weren't friends before and we didn't knew what to talk about and we were both shy as hell. One day when I got home He was sending me an exe document and I accepted it. I wrote Him '?' to ask what is that and he responded 'Open it, and you'll see...', so I've opened it, and it was a bug, something like a virus, but not exactly it's kinda messing with your PC, 'till you restart it. After I get rid ot the that crappy exe and restarted my computer I wrote him again "??" and then he got mad and said "Why're you writing those question marks, don't you have any words to speak?!?!?!?!?!" and then he just removed me from His contacts. As I remember it was the end of October nad later the same year we were at this New Years' party with our common friends. I was with his friend who liked me, but I told him that I like him just as a friend. At the party we talked a liiiiitle bit, He was shy again, and so was I and out friend (who I came with) yelled at Him, because we were jsut talking even though I made myself pretty clear that I like him just as a friend. So my boy was down and stopped talking with me. After the New Year's eve party I've tryed contacting with him, but it was useless, 'cause he wasn't responding my messages. And there it was a calm before the storm...

We had only seen each other out on the streets, and with other people, but all this was just politeness. I was away from the summer and when I got back I've realized that I can't fight with that, I have to try whatever it takes. I've lost all hope and faith but I also grew up a little bit more. I've realized that I don't want him to like me, or to love or adore me, I just want to be a friend, something I've missed doing through all those 5 long years. I just want to know how He is and get to the bottom of all this, 'cause I wasn't paying attention.

And then the fall came. It was September, near 21st when he has a Birhtday ...I wanted to be in touch with him again, so I've said hello onto his Birthday, he added me again at his messenger contacts and I was happy as hell. This time I was trying not to push it so hard. And we were already chating like a normal people, but ... see, again with this BUT... He was felling down, more like depressed, I was trying to mention our senses but it wasn't that good of a try. He was very sad about something and of course that something kept me awake for days. I insisted to know what it was and He told me. His mother was cancer sick at very advanced stage. Uncurable, she was honestly said counting her last minutes. I respected that and felt stupid knowing, what I was going to talk about with Him. So after a few weeks on the 23d of November He told me that He is going to live in England with his aunt, sister and cousins. I was devastated and smashed from those news. He was leaving after one week, and I was inlove with him from a very long time, and this was a very awkward moment to talk about my feelings. So the same night I found out about his departure I jsut started writing a letter, even for a second didn't ran through my mind that later I was going to give it to Him. I wrote that I feel sorry for all that He is goung through and that I like him since we were 13 year old kids,and that I remember all of those stories He told me about his scars on the chin and that I support him. I also wrote him that he is a very special man that I respect a lot, and that he is intelligent and sweet.

Yes, I wrote it and on the very next day I waited for him in fornt of the gym he was going to. Back then he was only going out to buy pot or to work out. I ran after him and gave him the letter, he folded up in his pocket and smiled... I walked with him for a 5 minutes and started asking him a lots of questions I wanted to know...But he was embaressed about all this so he didn't said much....  Then He went to London where he is now for a year. When He arrived there and got internet we started chating all night long, we exchanged pictures of ourselves and I was writing his homeworks on Skype for the college he is in to. I also helpled him with the searches... found for him music, books and stuff, teach him math. Also teached him how to use Photoshop. I was missing school because  of him, I spent all those nights in front of the PC to talk with him, and hell yeah we bounded! This summer when I was on my vacation we've chat and he told me that he is coming back here....I was so freakin' happy about it.... He found a job, saved money and yeah, soon I think he's gonna come home... So what? - Is the question.

We're not chating now, for the last one month, not even a word...why's that??? That bothers me very much, what should I do... We became close (at some point) ....many times he told me that he thinks I am beautiful and very smart ... and..I just don't get it. I think I am a retard... How come I didn't get it for 5 full years? Well, that's a mistery I will probably never get. It wil stay unrevealed...

If you read all this, and now know something I do not now, and something I am missing...Please, I beg of you, tell me what it is, so I can finally asleep peaceful...

It would be helpful if you write an oppinion of any kind, I don't have a problem with criticism, thank you for your time. *Bowing*

And I am sorry again for my bad english \"\"


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