Forever Wasn't That Long

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: January 13, 2010

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Submitted: January 13, 2010

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“Night baby” I whisper as I tuck my daughter into bed.
As I go to turn out the lights, she asks, “Mommy will you tell me a story?”
“What kind of story?” I sit on the edge of her small bed.
“About you and daddy” I really wish she wouldn’t ask about this. It’s too hard to remember all the good times and not start crying. I miss him too much. But she deserves to know about her dad right? Of course she does. I just wish I wasn’t the one to have to tell her about him.
“Baby not tonight, tomorrow, I promise.”
“Please” she begs looking up at me with his gorgeous blue eyes, giving me the look I can't resist.
So I tell her about him and the poems and songs he wrote for me. Just hearing stories of her dad makes her so happy, and yet I’m ready to cry.
“Do you remember one of his songs?” she asks sleepily.
I bite my lip trying to remember something he wrote for me. “Standing on the edge of who I am and what you need of me / one more promise could be the end of everything / one last dance the best thing that’s ever happened to me / in this world of fantasy you’re the only thing that’s real to me…” I stop. I have to. Holding back tears, I whisper, “Now go to sleep Raven.”
“Goodnight mommy” she says.
Once in the seclusion of my bedroom, I let the tears fall. I can’t hold back any longer. Leaning against the door, I rest my head in my hands.  But it’s not enough just to cry; I need my release.
I go to my bathroom and search for my razors. Finding one, I press it to my wrist.
(Flashback)
“How could you do that to me?” he screams at me.
“I’m sorry. I screwed up…” I whisper.
“Sorry? That doesn’t make everything better! You fucked up Liz and now you have to deal with the consequences!” He glares at me as I’m ready to collapse to my knees.
“I didn’t lie to you Alex!!” I yell as tears start to fall.
“Bullshit!!” he screams.
“Why the hell don’t you believe me?” I stop to catch my ragged breath. “Because one of your drunken friends said shit bout me? That means you should believe them over your goddamn fiancé??”
The baby starts crying from the other room. “Go get your child.” He snaps.
“Raven is your daughter too!”
“Not anymore she’s not”
(End flashback)
I snap back to reality only to find that I’ve drug the razor across my wrist.
“Mommy?” a small voice calls from the other side of the door.
“What’s wrong?” I ask and grab some tissues to press over my wound.
“I can’t sleep…”
“Just a second Raven.” I call and tape the tissues to my arm. Pulling my shirt sleeve down, I open the door. She holds out her arms for me to pick her up. “What’s wrong baby?” I ask again now that I see she’s crying.
“I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“I’ll never know what daddy was like” she cries harder into my shoulder. Awe. I hold her closer as I start to cry. “Mommy, why are you crying? Do you miss daddy too?” She looks up at me.
“Yes Raven. I miss your daddy very much.” I say trying to breathe normally.
“Will you tell me about him?”
“What do you want to know?” I carry her to my bed and sit with her on my lap.
“Anything” she says.
“You have his eyes. Baby, you look so much like him.” I pull back and stroke her long brown hair. I hold her against my chest and whisper to her. “He used to hold me just like this any time I was upset.”
“Did daddy ever love me?”
I don’t answer right away. I’m not sure I really know the answer. “He was so excited when I told him I was pregnant.” She gives me a weird look. Duh, 4 year olds don’t know what pregnant means. “When I told daddy that we were going to have a baby he was really excited. He couldn’t wait to meet you.” She smiles just like he did. “Once you were born, he never left you.”
“Where is daddy now?”
“I don’t know baby…” I sigh.
“Is he ever going to come back?”
“I hope so.” I try to smile. “He’d love to see how big you’re getting.” I hug her closer.
“Why did he leave?”
God is it twenty questions night? I try so hard not to cry and answer, “I guess he just stopped loving us.”
“I love you mommy.” She wraps her tiny arms around my neck.
“I love you too Raven” I whisper, starting to cry. Wiping away tears, I say, “Try to go to sleep now baby.”
“But I want to know more about daddy.”
“Tomorrow”
Reluctantly she agrees. I lay in the same bed that Alex and I once lay in, with Raven at my side. I always hated to sleep in this bed, it just reminded me of everything Alex and I have done. But now with Raven, it feels right. The only way this could be better was if her dad was here with us. But that’s not going to happen, so I’ll just make due the best I can.
I lay on my side with her in front of me and my arm wrapped around her. “Your daddy used to hold me like this every night.”
“Really?”
“Yes baby. He never wanted to leave. He swore he’d stay with us forever…
(Flashback)
“Come here babe” he says to me.
I crawl into bed next to him and rest my head on his shoulder. “I love you Alex.”
“I’ll love you forever” he lifts my chin and kisses me. “I will always love you.”
“Forever?” I kiss him again.
“Yes babe.”
“I have to tell you something.” I sit up so I can look at him. Taking a deep breath, I say, “I’m pregnant.”
He smiles bigger than I’ve ever seen him smile. “We’re going to have our family?” he sits up and wraps his arms around me.
 
If nothing else, I will always have a reminder of the greatest thing to ever happen to me. It may have ended badly, but because of Alex, I now have Raven. I could never imagine life without our daughter. She was the one I’d always dreamed of. She was our dream…


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