Losing Life

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a thought provoking and retrospective about my life or lack there of.

Submitted: April 13, 2007

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Submitted: April 13, 2007



 With the onset of my anxiety and panic disorder, I started to withdraw from friends and family.  I could not enjoy the activities that I used to enjoy.  I found myself scared to travel and even having visitors or visiting others became an ordeal.  Now that the years are passing a strange occurrence has begun to evolve.  Now instead of me not being involved with others, these people that I considered friends and family have started to pull away and in some cases move away from me.


  I have not heard from my family in years.  The only contact I really had was with my parents, my mother in particular.  I have not heard from her in months.  Then there was my best friend who I have known for many years.  We had a bit of an argument when she said something to me that I considered rude.  She phoned me once after that, but I have not heard from her since.  I keep debating whether I should call her, but something seems to be stopping me.  I think I feel that if she truly loved me like a sister like she kept professing, she would have called by now.


  Then there is the relationship our family has always had with my father-in-law.  Technically, he really isn’t my father-in-law since my mate and I aren’t married but that is what I have referred to him as for 14 years now.  He has recently gone through a life change by putting the family house on the market.  Finally after months of tension and stress he has finally sold it.  Now that he has sold the house, he is considering moving in with his sister for a short time and then moving out of the city all together.  I personally think that both those plans are fatally flawed. 


  He is not the kind of man who likes to be living with other people.  He then wants to move out of town and close to some long time friends of his.  Both these scenarios I feel will end with him unhappy with the situation in one way or another.  I also think that he should stay in the city, since most of his family lives here including us.  I know that we will not see much of him if he were to move out of the city.  I am not the traveling type and with my anxiety and panic disorder, it would make it more difficult.  We have spent many holidays and weekends with him over the years.  Not to mention we would be losing our only babysitter.  Not that my son needs a babysitter now that he is a teenager.  I know that my son would miss not having his only true grandfather in the city, where he could visit him whenever he wanted.


  Then there is the distance that is slowly growing with our son.  Now he has started high school and is experiencing new growth and evolving into a teenager.  He will inevitably want more freedom and will be gone from home more and more.  He is already talking about getting his first apartment and how he wishes it could be now.  It is not that he doesn’t like us, but he has always been independent.  He is talking about driving and his first vehicle.  Then there will be college and he may want to leave home.  Then there will be his first love and perhaps a marriage and children.  These life changes are slowly starting to progress.  I know there will come a day when he will have to leave, but I don’t want to think about that now.  I will just keep it locked away until the day emerges that I will have to face it.


Speaking of moving away and pulling away, my other close friend moved out of the city recently too.  I used to sleep over at her house when we were younger.  We were quite close and remained friends through the years.  I didn’t see her as much as I would have liked, but now it is going to be even less.  Then there is the relationship with my partner.  It seems to have grown into more of a friendship over the years.  We are not as intimate as we once were.  A few months ago he took on a new job.  It is a better job complete with a raise and benefits.  However, it is not without its complications.  He has been working nights for the last few months.  That has been very difficult for me having the panic/anxiety.  It was hard at the beginning.  I have been going to bed alone for months now.  Sometimes I feel like I live alone.  My son is here to keep me company, but he has his own interests.


It is not like I haven’t had friends in the past, but they have always disappointed me.  I have tried to make some friends in the neighborhood.  I have talked and visited with them.  I feel there comes a time when if they don’t make a reciprocal gesture than I feel they are not very interested.  So that has been my life for the last few years.  I feel myself becoming lonely and disconnected in some sense.  I am hoping that life blooms and somehow I will meet and interact with people more.  I miss the contacts and family that I once had.  But maybe it’s time to bury the past and look to the future.

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