I feel like I’m fading away. Into some unkown world of my own full of uncertaniny. I want to let go and just see where it goes but I cant seem to do that as its too painful. I wake up everyday and dress up mechanically. I have a lot to look forward to about tomorrow but still there’s an unexplained sadness in everything. There’s no joy in whatever I do. When I laugh I do coz everyone else is doing the same. Or mostly because I know I’m supposed to laugh and be happy. But then its not giving me any warmth. I laugh but I don't know why. I want to cry because I feel empty. I have an unexplained hole in my heart which I can never seem to fill. No matter what I do. It aches so bad sometimes I just want to give up everything and just lock myself in a room forvever. Someplace where I never have to face anything. Someplace where I never have to explain myself. Someplace where everything is certain and there is no insecurity. Its an invisible place only in my mind. But even thinking about this cant seem to be enuf anymore. I want to immerse myself in a book. Or a movie. Fill myself with is so that I don't have to think about anything else. Where has my power of concentration gone? Where has my power to block everything else when I’m reading gone? Why cant I seem to get control no matter how much I try. Why do I feel time is just slipping out of my hand and there’s nothing I can do about it. Why do I feel so alone even though I’m surrounded by friends all the time? I have so many questions but not a single answer!
I have no troubles to write about. I have no worries to cry over. Yet I cry. Yet I trouble myself. For what? I wish I knew. I really wish I knew. I want to dream. I want to have good dreams. Not the dreams from which I wake up thinking that it might happen and I don't want it to happen. I want to dream of inconsequentional stuff. I want to dream about thing’s which might make me happy. I want to dream about bright and happy days even thought I don't like bright days. I want to dream about having everything in control. I want to dream about having all my dreams come true. I want to dream about filling the hole in my heart. I want to dream about feeling complete.
I want to dream about spending days and nights with him. I want to be comforted. To be loved. To be touched gently. To be told that everything is going to be fine. I want to be hugged and to be kissed. A kiss filled with love and not lust. I want to be told that I matter to him. That I’am important to him. The most important part if him. I want to sing songs of love. Songs of everlasting love. Love with no conditions and no expiry date. I want hold his hand and walk away to eternity. I want to be looked at like am special. I want to be able to talk to him in the middle of the nite about the most silliest thing or the most important thing. I want to be told that he’ll be with me through it all no matter what. I want to feel on top of the world every time I think of him. I want to feel like am the luckiest person on the planes every time I look at him. I don't want to look at my friends and envy them. I don't want to look at the phone anymore and think that am alone. I want to look at it and have his face fill my mind. His smile. His laugh. His tender expression. The look on his face when he looks at me like am his world. I want to melt into his arms even before he opens them for me. I want to go weak in my knees every time I look at him. I want to fall asleep in his arms. Most of all I wish ‘he’ had a face and a name.
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Essay / True Confessions
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